7. Antarctica

Probate attorney’s fees: $1,500$ divided by 4: $375

 

I hadn’t seen the sunshine in days, and I holed myself up in the tiny cabin for much of the time, trying not to throw up while looking out the dinky porthole over my bed. I figured that a cruise would be a relaxing way to end this whole deal, but this is on a whole different level. Yeah I’ll plan the Antarctica leg, I said. How hard could this be, I thought. You just book the tickets, get on the boat, and enjoy the cruise with a drink in hand as we head down to the bottom of the earth. No big deal. Well, there we were, almost to that damn icy continent, and the majority of the drinks I’d had were gulps of water in between tabs of Dramamine. The views, which were supposed to be wonderful, were obscured by rain, and the sea was choppy. They said it might get a little bit dicey as we cross the Drake Passage, but this was ridiculous. Even as I sat and tried to balance the books, I got little streak marks all along the page every time the waves outside picked the boat up and slammed it down. I had it mostly figured out - just needed to put it all together to see just how far in the red we’d gotten ourselves into. 

 

Direct Cremation: $1,100 divided by 4: $275

 

- Everything OK in there, Check? 

It was Harrison, shouting through the door. To save money we just booked two double rooms - me and Harrison in one room, Ginny and Hale in another room across the tiny hallway. He had been spending much of his time in the lounge and library above deck writing and looking out of the rain-streaked windows, generally staying out of my way as I puked all the way to the bottom of the earth. 

- Just fine. 

My voice shook a little bit before I took another swig of water, shook my head and choked it down like it was a shot of cheap tequila. 

- Look, there’s a talk starting in the lecture hall if you’d like to come by.

- I’ll pass on that one.

 I wasn’t into hearing some old f*g in a tweed jacket talk about melting ice and penguins. The entertainment options aboard this ship were pretty sparse - mostly nature talks and nature movies in between meals in the dining room. No I’ll be just fine here trying to keep my lunch down thank you very much. But appreciated the gesture by Harrison. He had been making more of an effort lately to maybe swallow his pride a little bit and just listen instead of pretending he knew everything already or just plain walking away. I guess we all had changed a little bit in the half-year since Dad passed away. I figured Ginny would have been the one doing what I’m doing now, locking herself in the room, with a chair in front of the door for good measure, and hunkering down before spending minimal time in the great dangerous wilderness. But I hadn’t actually seen all that much of her outside of mealtimes on the ship. She had been browsing in the gift shop, writing long letters in the main lounge of the ship, talking with other travelers - young ones at that! She’s even mentioned taking the rest of her family on a cruise sometime when we all get back and have seen what Dad’s stash really is. I’m half-expecting there to be nothing in this mysterious account. When I first told my buddies what I was going to be doing, they almost laughed me out of the room. Well, they also told me I would die in South America - what do they know?

 

Round trip flight to Sydney Australia, Economy class: $1,567

 

I guess one good thing that came of all this is that I barely, and I mean barely, thought about Wendy. We had just been on the go too much to sit and think about her. And besides I’ve cut back on the drinking a little bit and so my mind didn’t wander in that direction all that often as it usually did when buzzed alone in my house. I had been nervous about this whole process partially because I thought everything would take me right back to where I was all those years ago, everything reminding me of all the little mistakes I’ve made, all the things that went in the wrong direction. But no, things were alright, all things considered. I had to get out of the coffin-like room and get some air, no matter how hard it was to make my way above decks. This was no luxury ship in the calm Caribbean. This thing had more in common with a military-grade battleship, its hull built to withstand contact with and break through chunks of ice in the cold waters of the Southern Sea. A brochure in my room, one of the few useful bits of information that came in the daily newsletter every morning. I had always dreamed of joining the Navy when I was a kid. Like so many other things, that vision got sidetracked. I was too young for Vietnam, too old for the Gulf War. Then there was just always something in the way, something more to do, another day of overtime. I ended up in a long chain of events that has led me all the way to this Moment, rocking and stumbling up a tiny hallway halfway down to the Antarctic Peninsula.

 

Hotel in Sydney (breakfast included): $177x3 = $531

 

Up on the main deck, the lounge was empty, save for the bartender polishing his non-breakable glasses and restocking the refreshments behind the bar. A few stragglers were looking out the windows or reading a book around the lounge, the largest room on the ship. Honestly, it looked more like a ferry than a cruise liner, but it was pleasant enough. At least there was some natural light coming through the windows that lined the lengths of the lounge. It beat the cloudy porthole in the room down below. A grand piano sat unused on the far end of the lounge. A TV played yet another documentary about Antarctica, showing grand glaciers and wildlife that we had yet to see, days into this journey. Nearby I spotted Harrison typing something on his laptop. 

            - Feeling better are we?

            - Not quite. I just had to get out of that hole down below. 

Harrison chuckled. He took a swig of something brown and icy from a cup on the table that was bolted to the floor in front of him.

            - Any left in there for me?

            - Hang tight right here and I’ll try to go grab you something. 

He got up and walked across the lounge and laughed to the bartender. He pointed back towards me and the bartender laughed too. I looked out the window and I saw nothing but white, but the wider space made my head feel clearer somehow. I held on the solid sides of the chairs and braced myself for another rise and fall of the ship over another wave. Harrison came back with a non-breakable glass also filled with some brown liquid mingled with a small stream of gassy bubbles. 

            - Whiskey ginger. Maybe the bubbles will help your stomach a little bit.

 

Meals in Sydney, Australia: 150$

 

I raised my non-breakable glass and tipped it in his direction. He looked back down towards his laptop. I took a small sip and coughed a little bit, closed my eyes and swallowed. The ship rose and fell again.

            - You know, they say if you look forward it helps a little bit.

            - You’re not feeling any of this? I don’t know how you can stand it.

            - I’ve been on my fair share of choppy waters. Samuel has a sailboat and we’ve gone out on it sometimes.

I looked out the window at nothing in particular. Harrison tried to catch my eye.

            - You know, I’m not looking for your approval or anything. You don’t have to like it or whatever. 

            - That’s not it. I guess I’ve just been having a hard time shaking some old images out of my head. You and Hale. I’ve always just seen you guys as the little ones. The rugrats. The kids. You know? I guess maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about. Now you’re a bigshot author, writer whatever, and Hale’s been to more places than I can name. Meanwhile I’m sitting here just looking at you and thinking about how Mom got you a new pair of Wrangler jeans when you were little and you thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. “Wangalos” you just kept saying. I guess you had seen some commercial on TV with a cowboy or something. You sure liked those didn’t you.

Harrison laughed and closed his computer. 

            - These days I like cowboys for a bit of a different reason. But you know, you don’t have to change any sort of image of me. Look at me however you want to. That’s part of family isn’t it? The memories?

            - It’s not just memories. It’s something that I never quite got over. I’m sitting here drinking a whiskey with you for Christ sakes.

            - Just because the old times are gone doesn’t mean that they didn’t happen; that they aren’t there in your mind anymore. At least I hope not. Otherwise I wouldn’t have a career. My writing is built on the idea that things that have already happened, even if a long time ago, are part of what make us… us. We’re always changing, but we always keep a little seed of the past inside of us. And from that, we grow upward and outward. Hold on.

Harrison jotted down a note in his notebook. He closed it and looked outside. 

            - Nothing like a long boat ride to just relax and make you think things over. Anyway, let’s just enjoy our last few days of this crazy thing OK? We don’t need to spend every minute analyzing everything we’ve ever thought about each other. That was Hale’s idea back in Asia, right? Why not just have a couple glasses of good drink, eat some good food and take in the… uh, view. I’m going to go put some things together down in the room, do a little bit of editing, then maybe get a nap in before dinner. 

 

One way flight to Nairobi, Kenya, economy class: $1,048

 

I was feeling a little drowsy, even off of just a glass of whiskey. But I was determined to stay out of the room. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my eyes for a little bit. When I opened them, a woman was sitting at the table next to me, looking just as rough. Even so, she was a sight, her hair a little bit messy. She caught me looking over at her, and she looked back in my direction.

            - Hell of a storm we’ve been going through here, but the professor says we’ll get through it soon. We are making landfall tomorrow.

            - You went to one of those talks huh? 

It wasn’t the first thing that I wanted to say to her.

- I mean, do you want a drink? They say that whiskey ginger helps smooth things over. Or that’s what my brother told me. He is a writer. He got this for me. 

I didn’t know what I was saying.

- I don’t know what I’m saying. Let me start again. Name’s Check.

She laughed and pointed down to a non-breakable glass of her own.

- Interesting name. 

- What brings you down here to the bottom of the world? I thought only crazy people did this kind of thing.

- Speak for yourself. I’m here with my daughter. She’s studying Antarctic wildlife and got a grant. I’m unclear on the details and trying to pry it out of her, but every time she talks about it it’s a little out of my league. But she asked me to come along so here I am. 

- College huh? So I’m sure she’s been in a lot of those nature talks. 

- Definitely. They’re having one right now, but I wasn’t in the mood for a nap.

 

5 Day Serengeti Safari (meals included): $964

 

A joker too. She looked down at her non-breakable glass and shook it around. 

- Oh I’m sorry, I was going to offer you a drink but I got, you know, sidetracked and all.

- That’s OK, I was just drinking a tonic.

- Do you want to add a little something to that? 

She looked at her watch. 

- I don’t know why I even wear this thing, it’s never right anyway. But why not? I’m sure they will be in that lecture for a little while longer.

I took the glass and went to the bar. I came back with two whiskey gingers. When I came back she smiled. 

- Whoa there partner, cutting straight to the good stuff.

- Does me right enough.

I cheersed her non-breakable glass.

- So where does your daughter go to college?

- California, actually. It’s amazing - neither of us had never even been there, and out of the blue she said that she was accepted to a school way out on the other side of the country. I was proud and all, but it was a strange feeling, not knowing what exactly was happening with my daughter anymore. I guess that’s part of growing up - we never quite stop do we? Seeing her grow and change has been the strangest process, but also one of the most rewarding, even if I don’t always know what exactly is going on.

- I guess not. And her father? Maybe she told him about it.

This was the wrong direction. She looked down at her glass and smiled, but it was a forced smile. I tried to right the ship.

- I’m sorry.

 

Kenya and Tanzania visas: $100

 

I fidgeted around for a moment and she looked up at the ceiling, as if she was going to say something sad but thought better of it and she shook her head instead. The ship rose and fell over a wave again.

- You couldn’t have known. Her Dad hasn’t been in the picture for years. He calls in every once in a while but what does he know? He doesn’t even know that we are here on the bottom of the damn earth right now. He left us in a s****y situation some time ago. We had just bought a house, but then he got fired from his job. When things got stressful, he was usually so calm and collected, but that time, it wasn’t so easy. He went out and… well he didn’t come back. Now I’m sorry.

 I was sitting there listening, looking straight at her. She wiped a tear from her eye.

- Still gets me. But here we are, and we are having an absolute blast. In spite of everything. I’m actually really happy and proud. I really am.

- No, no, now don’t worry about it. I’m sure you are. Sounds like you’ve been through some things.

- Really I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you this stuff. I usually never do this kind of thing, especially right off the bat with someone that I just met. We were just having a good time laughing over a drink, and then boom, my emotions get the best of me.

- No worries at all. Sounds like you deserve some happiness. Someone to treat you right. That’s a hell of a story. And it calls for another drink. 

- You know I really shouldn’t right now with the sea kicking up like this. But I’ll hold you to that drink for another time. We’ve got plenty of it. Time that is.

She laughed and moved a stray bit of hair away from her face and looked at me A beautiful move.

- Alright I’ll be around.

She waved and walked off, back towards the stairway that led down to the cabins. Damn I didn’t ask for her name. The one vital piece of information and I blew it. Even so, I felt something kick up deep inside of me that I hadn’t felt in a while. I had a feeling I’d see that woman again. I hoped so.

 

One-way flight from Nairobi, Kenya to Tromso, Norway, economy class: $924

 

The sea had gradually grown calmer over the next day as we neared the Antarctic Peninsula. The sky didn’t clear up though. It was freezing rain and snow coming in all sideways as the ship navigated past mountains of ice-like buildings to the right and left of us. White, all of it, interesting at first because it was something new to look at, and then fading one into the next, hardly worth another glance. It was like looking out at a cement wall again and again, different shapes of them. It reminded me of a drive through a run-down old town, all these structures in various states of repair. Maybe once they were great, but now it looked like they were all crumbling into the water. Each time we neared another big ice chunk, the captain came on the loudspeaker in the lounge, and then the people on board would rush this way and that with their cameras, the clicks of all of them adding a weird soundtrack to the mostly silent surroundings. Ginny was one of the people in the group of people running from side to side on the ship, and it was all I could do to look interested as she passed me again and again.

            - Can you believe it? 

I could. I had seen the same sight several times already that day. I didn’t know what was so hard to believe. It had been hours of this, from the first time they announced the arrival of an iceberg early in the morning before breakfast, all through breakfast (smoked salmon and pastries again), and then the main morning activity. Looking at ice. Taking pictures of ice. Talks about ice. Everything but pouring alcohol over a glass of it. That would have to wait for later.

 

Hotel in Tromso: $115x3 = $345

 

My main activity for the day was looking out for the mystery woman from the day before. I tried to spot her at dinner �" there wasn’t that many people on board I thought. But the dining room was full at our assigned seating time and nothing. I thought about her all through dinner, her hands constantly shifting her wild hair back and forth. Her having to put up with a dick of a guy. Who would leave a woman like that, with a kid to boot? I had been distracted as Ginny talked with Hale and Harrison about - what else - ice, as I pretended to be engaged but looked over at the door. 

            - And that’s why it’s so important to be on board with new green initiatives.

            - But electric cars are so much more expensive.

            - You’re really saving in the long run. And just think about what we will be looking at, possibly for the last time ever.

            - I think that’s a little dramatic.

            - And what about all the other things we’ve seen in the last few months. All of that will change too! Those poor animals…

            - Well I didn’t quite think of it like that.

It went on like this or something like it for a while. How could I have forgotten to ask for her name? I’ve been out of this game for too long. Now a whole day had almost passed and I was wondering if I had missed my chance for good. God I hoped not.

 

Northern Lights chasing tours (2) $120x2 = $240

 

A horn sounded from outside. The ice passing by the window slowed down and eventually stopped, and we were in the middle of a lot of it. A voice came through on the loudspeaker. It said that we had reached our destination for the day. Of course, most of us were already prepared for this Moment, sitting around in the lounge with life preservers on like a bunch of jackasses. 

But the prospect of getting off the boat for just a little bit was exciting. Ginny and Hale had booked us on some sort of excursion, which turned out to be the only way to do anything for the few days that we were going to make landfall. I tapped the vials of ashes in my jacket pocket, which was zipped closed. Thank god for equipment rental. I sure as hell didn’t have anything warm enough for Antarctica, even though it still was the last days of summer down here. I barely made it through Norway.

Ginny and I had prepared the remainder of the ashes before we left, hers in some frilly little pouches, and the ashes for this leg in the vials that I had used back in Sydney all those months ago. They seemed safe and secure, but I kept feeling them anyway, knowing that they were the last of the ashes outside of the urn at Ginny’s house. It sure beat that crappy old box we had been carrying around. Whose idea was that anyway?

- Please make your way to the lower level. Your tender is waiting.

We walked down past the hallway where our cabins were tucked away, down past the darkened staff’s quarters, down all the way to the rumbling lower level of the ship. A large door was open and already freezing air was blowing in from the gray outside. A man tried to take my hand and help me over the sort of threshold leading to where the tender was docked by the side of the ship. I swatted it away and ducked into the little orange boat, me and my ridiculous lifejacket banging through the door. 

 

Meals in Tromso: 130$

The small boat was rocking worse than the ship on the open water. I immediately put my head in my hands and hoped that the extra Dramamine that I chugged down would kick in soon. It didn’t, and I nearly threw up on the floor.

- You know, you really ought to just look straight out of the front of the boat. 

- If you say one more word to me about what I should do, I will knock you all the way to the shore.

- Alright, your funeral.

It was Dad’s funeral, really. The last part of it. I did all I could to keep my food and water and everything down, clutching the vials in my zipped up jacket pocket. Finally, after rocking by the ship for what seemed like forever, the driver kicked on the engine and the boat kind of steadied out and we were heading to the mainland finally after days of feeling unsteady.

- Would you look at there. The shape. The color. What a magical place.

It was more of the same at first. Gray hulking building-like ice blocks. But then the ice became more blue than gray. It had melted into odd shapes. This one had a rounded top and was hollowed out on one side. Another had an arch through it, and I could see more of the odd shapes on the other side. The little boat zipped through the field of ice, and at some point I lost track of where the big ship was. We were really doing this. 

I hadn’t bothered to check what excursion the others had gotten us into, but it seemed like this was the opening act, this sailing around in the ice, looking at ice, taking pictures of the ice. I didn’t bring a camera. I just looked off the side of the boat. It was strange feeling so small in these ghost forms in the water. A landscape like I hadn’t seen before. 

 

One way flight from Tromso, Norway to Siem Reap, Cambodia, economy class: $1,188

  - Check, get over there.

It was Ginny with the camera

- This will go great in the scrapbook I’m making. 

- Your what?

- Just smile.

I did. And Hale and Harrison put their arms around me. I was sandwiched in the middle, and by the time I figured out what was going on, Hale was making a face next to my face. 

- Whatcha thinking about?

I was thinking about the picture, what else? Why do we have to interrupt every moment with a picture? Isn’t looking out what we paid to come to do? Or did we pay to look at it through our screen like another damn nature documentary? 

- Oh just enjoying the show.

The boat pulled around another ice sculpture, this one twisted up towards the sky, and we were in a more open stretch of water. A cold wind came upon us and it felt like the meatpacking plant. I huddled up in my rented gear and looked up at what seemed like a differently-colored part of the sky but was really a massive glacier. We were approaching the continent now, and although there were still chunks of ice here and there, it was somehow more sparse than it was a little further out. Here was just the massive gray wall of ice, the gray-white sky, and us, zooming along the black and gray water, everything containing a thread of gray.

- This glacier signifies our approach to the continent. 

Well no s**t, I could have told you that. Nothing that big could just be sitting out in the water.

- How big is the glacier?

- Over 5 kilometers at its broadest point.

How big was that in real numbers? It seemed pretty damn big, this sheet hanging down from the sky like a white curtain, wrinkled and torn. It was blue in some spots and had arches and caves dark near the surface of the water. The water itself was glass-still, save for the white and gray wake of our little boat, zipping along the side of the glacier. There was a crack and a snap and the captain of the boat swerved sharply from the glacier’s face.

 

Hostel room in Siem Reap $35x4: $140

 

            - Pardon the move, everyone. We are about to experience a calving event. Watch closely, ladies and gentlemen. The glacier moves and expands at a meter per day, so here we usually get some chunks breaking off.

More numbers that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. There was another crack, but apparently, we were far enough from the face of the glacier now since the captain turned us around to look directly at it. 

- Here it comes now.

We looked up and the cracks and snaps got louder and closer together until it was just one long large thunderclap and then a groan and then a piece of ice the size of a house separated off the wall, twisted just a bit and fell sharply toward the water like an old building being demolished. It made a huge splash on the water’s surface and I braced myself for a wave, but by the time it reached us, there were only a few soft rolling movements and a round of applause from the people on board, as if the captain had put on the show for us.

- Magnificent isn’t it?

- Well dang, my camera couldn’t focus on it. 

- How often does this kind of thing happen? 

- Is that where the icebergs come from? I could recognize some of the lines on the icebergs in the water as having broken off the glacier.

- Did you get a picture of it?

 

Meals in Siem Reap: $110

 

The captain kept his distance for a little while longer until we could spot the actual land coming up on us near the face of the glacier. It was a spit of rocky land, and what do you know it was gray and black.

- We’re now approaching the mainland. Here we’ll get a great chance to actually walk along the surface of the earth’s last frontier. Keep a lookout for penguins.

- Oh, look!

 There was indeed a huge flock of penguins right there, all of them squawking around.

- It’s just like the movie.

- Why is it all white right around there?

- It’s a layer of droppings.

All of these little birds, just walking around in their own s**t. The boat pulled up close to the land, and then there was a rumbling sound as the bottom of our boat scraped the rocky shoreline and we came to a stop. The captain put out a little plank so that we could walk out onto the rocky coast. Nothing but gray and black and blue all around us. But it would feel good to be on a surface that wasn’t moving for once.

I stepped out onto the plank, wobbled a little bit, and then did a little running step onto the gravelly coastline and it crunched under my shoes. I felt like I was still rocking, my body still bracing against the motion of the ocean. But we were on solid land. I took a few steps.

- How about that?

- We made it guys.

- Stand over there for a picture guys.

I turned and smiled again and then looked back toward the spit of land that stretched out ahead of us, rising slowly into a rocky hill just in the distance. I could see why this land was never settled by humans. Who would want to stay here?

- Should we get this over with everyone?

 

One way flight from Siem Reap, Cambodia back home, economy class: $749

 

But only Harrison was next to me, jotting some notes in his notebook. I looked down and in his scribbles, I could just make out the word “desolation.” I thought it was appropriate. Hale was squealing on her way towards the flock of penguins on the rocks near where we landed. Ginny was fiddling with her camera. She was frowning at the screen.

- It doesn’t quite come out right does it?

She pointed the camera toward the penguins and I could hear the prerecorded camera sound playing again and again as she slowly approached. The boat captain stopped them from progressing further.

- It’s a nice view isn’t it? But let’s not disturb them here. This is a breeding ground and could be highly sensitive.

I had a feeling some of the other passengers might be sensitive about stepping in some penguin poop. I took a deep breath. Salt and cold, clean air, earth, water vapor like fog. Being here made everything seem pointless. I felt like I needed to get back on the boat, surprisingly. I had spent days wanting to get off the boat, but right then I felt like I needed warmth, and not just the kind that comes from heat.

- Let’s go ahead and spread these ashes out everyone. 

I flagged the others down and they crunched their way over in my direction. Hale was raving.

- This is the most incredible place I have ever seen. So untouched. So natural.

I reached into my jacket pocket and gave them the vials. Inside it was also gray and I wanted to get this thing over with.

- Alright everyone, this is it, so make it count.

I did a little fake laugh to try to lighten the mood. In Rio I had held onto the ashes a little while longer. I had thanked Dad for sending us to the top of that beautiful mountain, for giving us a little taste of what it might be like up in the sky But here was a different story. The penguins off to the side wouldn’t shut up. The wind picked up and seemed to swoop down and press down on us like an actual physical force.

I looked around at Antarctica. This was the end of everything. Gray, dead. The only life around annoying. Everything seemed temporary. Pointless. And if all this melted down then what really would we be losing? Cities, people, all of them going anyway on their own time. Everything passing away slowly, like a glacier smashing its way through a continent into the sea. 

- So Dad, this is it. This is what we came for. 

- Congratulations guys.

We formed a little circle over the rocks by the shore. The black water lapped weakly near our feet. We huddled together a little bit. I uncorked my vial and poured the ashes down onto the ground and they fell into the spaces between the rocks below us, blending in with the gravel immediately. I wasn’t sure what would happen with the last of the ashes. I didn’t expect a light show or something, but I thought it would feel, well, different.

Hale closed her eyes and poured her vial out onto the ground, and then Harrison followed. Ginny of course was last, and when she poured out the ashes she squatted down onto the cold ground and patted the earth as if she was trying to stay connected to that dust she poured out onto the ground. What we came to do was finished, just as the rest of the crowd walked back towards us and the boat, everyone here patting each other on the back, congratulating themselves for this great accomplishment, this achievement of paying a lot of money to go to a place where nobody has wanted to go until they had enough extra money to blow to go there. I had had enough. It was time to get back on that damn boat and get to the bar, far away from this black and gray beach. 

- Are we ready?

 

One way flight from home to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, economy class: $867

 

I noticed that nobody else had said much of anything either. Maybe the Moment was too big to say anything. Anything we could have said would have dissolved into the cold wind around us. Hale broke the silence.

• Everything is so huge. I’ve never felt smaller, like a piece of earth. Like I’m one with the earth. Do you get what I’m saying?

The fact that everything here was huge just made everything seem insignificant. Was that what people wanted to feel by coming here?

            - Well that’s really something Hale. I’ll be waiting on the boat. 

I sat on the empty boat, looking out into the empty landscape, waiting for the rest of the travelers on this excursion to arrive so we could sail away again. When we finally did, my feet were getting numb in the tight rubber shoes that they gave me at the equipment rental desk. More pictures of ice. More lifeless forms rising out of the black water. I thought, if there was a hell, surely it wasn’t a fiery place. 

We pulled back up to the side of the cruise ship, still waiting in the middle of a whole field of icebergs, though their positions had maybe changed, or maybe the ship’s position had changed. The inside of the cruise ship was the same I threw off those boots and returned my jacket to the rental desk, walked up a couple of flights of too-steep stairs and went straight to our tiny cabin, got under the sheets, and napped.

 

Rio de Janeiro Hotel $112x3: $336

 

When I woke up, it was dark out of the porthole in the room. I got up and shuffled out of the room, wondering what time it was. There was a lot of activity on the main deck. I decided to skip out on the big meal. There would be more after all on the way back towards the real world. There would be more stops on the Antarctic Peninsula as well, but no more excursions that I was interested in. I could see plenty of Antarctica from the warm confines of this bubble of civilization thank you very much. 

I ordered a bourbon at the bar and I brought the non-breakable glass outside into the cold night. Standing by the rail was Professor Tweed, smoking a cigarette. This surprised me. I shuffled up next to him and joined his gazing out into the darkness. The icebergs around the ship glowed white in the moonlight.

- I didn’t know you could smoke on these things.

- Nobody’s stopping me.

- What brings you out here?

- Oh sometimes it feels lonely in there. I’ve done a few of these long-haul educational cruises, and it’s all strangers, everyone mingling and getting to know each other, and then when we get back into port, it’s back to everyone’s normal life. Back to bad habits. I just hope that I’ve gotten through to some of them.

- You got a family back home?

- My oldest is in college now. Wants to get into oil of all things. Ha. That’s a twist. 

- I bet there’s good money in that.

- Oh. I don’t doubt that. It just seems so small is all.

The professor took another long drag from his cigarette. He was looking out at something in the water. I looked sideways at him.

- So you think that being here isn’t lonely? This place doesn’t have anything but ice in it.

- Look closer. Out there in the water. I’m not sure if you can see it, but it’s there. The slightest of movement at the surface right now, but it’ll happen soon. A pod of whales over beyond that iceberg. Just over there.

- Whales, out here? How many? What are they doing? 

- Can’t say for certain right now, but this might be their feeding ground. Their territory. It’s one of the miracles of science. Out of the vast ocean, thousands of miles away, humpback whales can find their way to the spot where their family taught them to gather and feed, to stock up on blubber, just to make the long migration back to warmer waters later on again to mate. They have their offspring up near the equator and travel back and forth, each step perfectly timed. If they had their offspring here or during their migration it would be too cold, too dangerous. If they always stayed in the warmer safer waters up north, they would miss out on the huge amount of food in the colder waters down here.

 

Meals in Rio: $200

 

I looked out at the water. There was a stirring out in the distance, and then a black form rose out of the water, just for a second, and a small spray of water spurted above the surface. A second later, another one, and another. I looked back toward the boat, over to the professor.

- Well damn.

- Fascinating, and lucky to see it late at night, away from the tourists. Some people pay a lot to go out on an excursion to see what you just saw. Consider it my treat. 

He jabbed his cigarette butt into the metal railing of the ship, made sure there were no more embers, and dropped it into a cup of water that was next to his feet. He tucked the cup discreetly into the trash can by the door, turned back and winked, and went back inside, giving a handshake to a passenger just inside. I turned back around and looked out into the blackness. The stars were out now, the seas calm, the water blending seamlessly into the sky as though it were a part of it. I tried to spot the whales again but I couldn’t make them out anymore. 

Maybe there was something to that. All those whales, coming together from thousands of miles away, back into the freezing waters in this rocky ocean. Maybe that was the best way to go after all, a lifetime of going out into the world and returning, going out and returning, from the warm safety of their breeding grounds to the riskier feeding grounds at the ends of the earth, wherever those might be. 

I heard the door slide behind me again, and there she was. She found me. It was the woman from the lounge. She leaned on the railing next to me and looked out at the ocean. She looked beautiful in the moonlight, and the breeze blew a strand of her hair down into her face. She took the same hand she was holding her drink with and put the hair behind her ear.

- Enjoying the view?

- What’s your name?

- Excuse me?

- Your name. I’m sorry. I didn’t catch it last time.

- Cutting right to it again aren’t we? Ha. You can call me Mag. Check, right? Pretty nice night out here, would you say so.

- I would now. You just missed the show �" a pod of whales just out there. I can’t see them anymore. But trust me they were there. 

- Oh I trust you alright.

She winked and squinted out into the black, watery night sky. A cloud of mist was approaching from out in space somewhere. 

 

One way flight from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil to Ushuaia, Argentina economy class: $590

 

After just looking out into the night, Mag spoke up again.

- So what did you get up to today?

- A funeral.

- A what? 

- My family and I spread some of our father’s ashes out there. It was the last step in a crazy little mission we’ve been on. It’s a long story.

- Well this I’ve got to hear. I’ve got time. We’ve got a few days left out here.

I was glad about that. I felt like I could tell her about everything no problem.

- You’re pretty easy to talk to you know that?

- Is that right?

- I’m serious. We’ve been doing this on every continent, spreading our Dad’s ashes around the world in the hopes that we can honor his final crazy wish. I used to think that maybe there was some money involved, but now we’re just pushing through to the end and we finally did it. I haven’t talked to hardly anybody this whole time outside of my family. And now I run into you on the ship and… Well, you’re just easy to talk to that’s all.

- I’m told I’m a good listener.

We looked out into the night and the mist closed in tighter, blocking the view of the ship a little more. Mag shuddered in the cold a little bit. I noticed and took off my outer layer and reached it in her direction.

- You don’t need to do that.

- Oh just take it. I have another layer on. You’ve got half your drink left.

The mist cleared a little bit, and there was the moon. The moonlight hit the mist and for a split second, we could see a rainbow through the fading vapor cloud. A moonbow. I had no idea that could even happen.

- Well look at there. Aren’t you glad you stayed out?

- I am now.

She looked over again and smiled. She shook her head and looked back out.

-What am I doing out here? What are you doing here Check?

- Not doing anything, promise. 

I raised three fingers in a scout’s pledge and she laughed.

- You have something better to do?

- Oh just a daughter that I’m taking a once in a lifetime trip with.

- I think I saw the professor head back inside. Isn’t there some new information about whales that she can ask about?

- I suppose so. But I should check on her.

- Of course. Do what you have to do. But hey, when you’re free…

- Let’s say tomorrow morning, coffee in the lounge.

- Coffee huh

- You have a better idea?

- Coffee is good.

- Good

- Good.

We laughed. It was the awkward laugh of two people who wanted to say more to each other but still wanted to hold a little bit back. For now at least.

- Thanks for the jacket. Looking forward to that good coffee tomorrow.

She turned and went through the sliding glass door, looked back, and laughed again. I looked back out to sea and took a sip of whiskey. The moon reflected off the black water, the edges of the circle ragged from the ripples in the water cast from the chunks of ice glowing around us. Somewhere in the black, I could hear a stream of air blow from a whale just out of sight.

 

10 day Antarctic cruise (all inclusive): $6,895 x2= $13,790

 

When I went downstairs, Hale was walking in the other direction. She still hadn’t figured out who gave her the money to finish this leg of the trip. I probably would never tell her - better to keep it a mystery. Besides, I had a little bit of money saved up. She had been doing much better, and maybe my gift would help keep her good streak going

- Funny running into you here? What’s up?

- Just getting some shut-eye. A big day.

- I heard there was a moonbow off the deck a little while ago.

I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about.

- Sounds unique.

-Where were you? Hanging out in the lounge?

-Something like that. I met someone and we were just talking. I don’t know what it is, but I think there might be something there.

- Well look at you, Mr. Chester. Who knew you had it in you?

I rolled my eyes and I laughed at her.

- I’m serious. I’m going to try to get her number and call her after the cruise, no matter where she is.

- Dang Check, look at you! You don’t even know where she lives? What if she thinks you’re some sort of creep? 

-Yeah well I haven’t gotten that far yet, but we have some more time on this thing. 

- Well either way Check that sounds amazing. I’m happy that you’re happy. You deserve it. See you at breakfast tomorrow?

            - Breakfast tomorrow. Definitely.

- Love you, Check.

- I love you too.

 

One way flight from Ushuaia, Argentina back home: $1,259

 

I went into our room and changed. I sat down on the bed, and for the first time on the whole cruise, I felt comfortable, like I was going to be able to rest. The waves had settled. It was quiet outside the porthole.

I thought about the day, this leg of the trip. Hell, the whole journey. What a change. I wasn’t even going to do this trip before, and now look at me. I’ve traveled to every continent. Let’s see someone else top that.

People grow up. At least that’s what I hope. Hale had a bit of a rough start, but she’s coming around. Or maybe I’m coming back around to her. I thought about Mom, about her smile. She always told me that I couldn’t say my name right as a kid. I couldn’t put the sounds together to make Chester. So it was Check Check for a long time. But classic Mom and Dad �" smoothing everything over, she said she liked the nickname better. And now the whole family is that same way.

She just accepted me for what I am. I’d been playing a victim my whole life and I’m finished with it. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to make things right. It’s time to start the rest of my life again.

 

TOTAL COST (not including incidental spending): $25,878

            I turned off the light and laid down in the bed. I realized the waves hadn’t completely gone away. Instead of a sickening, violent crashing motion, it was more of a gentle rocking. I heard “Blackbird” playing in my mind. It was Mom’s voice. She was rocking in her chair with Hale in her lap, just the tiniest baby at the time. As she rocked and sang, she looked out at the wind blowing in trees far in the distance, her smiling face looking down on me as I sat on the steps looking out as well. Dad held baby Harrison, and Ginny read books with her back against the wall. An old feeling washed over me. It was a feeling that I hadn’t had since sitting on the porch all those years ago before everything started to feel so hard. It was the feeling like everything was right. And with that feeling coming over me, I slept better than I had in a long, long time.