Don't Look

boxers,tank; button up, jeans. converse, black. grab the longboard from the corner, find some sort of deodorant (remind yourself to try to clean when you get back) pass the mirror; DON’T LOOK! shes there ready to fool you. you need a shower but you make excuse that your already late; storm out the door. friends, soccer, a cute girl to flirt with. a typical day in a typical high school senior guys life. you eat like a pig and laugh at stupid perverted jokes. while you complain about doing it, you like to work out; you like the feeling of beating your friends asses on the rugby pitch. you like getting dirty and its even better when it rains and the pitch is just pure mud; its made for some of the funniest rugby and soccer games you have played. but this illusion doesn't last for long. you say goodbye to friends, leave the cute girl to your friend (who will thank you later when he tells you that they are dating now), decline when your best friend offers you a ride back; use the excuse that you have work tonight and you cant be late (even though with that bike you would definitely not be late, in fact you would probably get there early and with a few girls drooling over you to boot). instead you head home. your roommate is passed out on the couch; no school tomorrow, senior skip day. reluctantly you go to take a shower. you don’t look behind you at the mirror as you undress and you don’t look down your whole shower. dress quickly and run from the room with the lies. this is why you hate showers. in your messy room again (is that bag of chips on your floor moving?!). boxers, no shirt. socks, white. hair is a mess; you need a haircut. its this thought that makes you look in the mirror on your wall. you see a boys room, messy with soccer and rugby clothes and equipment everywhere, a longboard in the corner, stolen two dollar vodka on the desk next to a pack of cigarettes that is only missing one( you tried it for your 18th and never smoked another). in the middle of that room though is a small girl, with hips and curves. dyed red medium hair that is styled like a punk skater boy (shaggy and messy). she is wearing bright green boxers and white socks, shirtless. "what is this? some worthless girl thinks she is a boy? what a joke. your mind fooled you all day you stupid girl” mind is screaming at you. and in the mirror the girl disappears as she sinks to the floor, hands on her head as if she wants to rip apart her scalp. you were never a boy today.the picture in your mind wasn't you, you just fooled yourself into thinking it was;i told you not to look….

Reviews

[therisa]

Braylin, I wish I could give a hug and tell you, this will go away, but we know better, you and I. What you wrote, describes my own experiences, growing up as a boy, when I am, really, a woman, wanting to escape her masculine prison. I wish more of us, wrote and shared our experiences, what it is like, to be trans.

[braylin smith]

unfortunately yes i do know better. and i too wish that more of us wrote, maybe less people would feel alone in this if more people told their experiances

[therisa]

Maybe, this is the start, which becomes a tidal wave for change and eductation.