A smooth bump in the road:Callie

A smooth bump in the road:Callie

A Chapter by Call Me Blu
"

Callies point of veiw

"

My day began like any other. With a swift slap in the face and a drunken voice screaming my name. Lovely right?

"Callie! Callie Mari Benigan! Get yourself up right now! I need my breakfast!" Mam shouted. I could smell liquor eminating off of her sweat.

"Comin Mam!" I shouted right back, forgetting she was leaning right over me.

"Don't yell at me you lazy good for nothing little scoundrel! Your lucky you aint on the streets with the way you always yellin."

Gee I thought wonder where I got that from

I climbed out of bed just as Mam was stumbling from my room in her hideous floral robe and her rats nest hair pulled tight into a multi-colored bun. I looked in the mirror and realised I wasn't much better off. My blond hair was tangled and my worn t-shirt had holes everywhere. I leaned closer to inspect my face. Is fourteen to early for wrinkles?

I pulled out jeans and a t-shirt and changed. I put up my hair and pulled on the red baseball cap with the gold C that I had had forever, yet nevergrown out of. I ran out of my room and into the tiny hall that held the bathroom. I listened into the door and heard no sounds of vomit. Bacon and eggs it is.

Just as I was finishing putting out the plates, Mam stumbled in holding her vodka bottle and smoking a cigarette. She sat down and solashed the orange juice I had put out with her vodka. I ate fast and dumped my plate into the diswasher. My hand was on the doorknob when I heard Mam call,"And jusht where do ya think your goin?"

"To see Even! We have a project for school!" I shouted

"Well you jusht hurry on back then!" Mam shouted. With that I slammed the door behind me and left Mam in a yelling fit about her head hurting to much for that stuff. I ran down gthe hallway and down to the lobby.

Free at last I thought as I ran through the door and down to the park where Evan was waiting sitting on the grass. His pug Manson was sitting at his feet.

"Hey!' He said as I walked over,"You escaped for the day?"

""For now at least" I said between pants. I sat next to him and reached out to scratch Manson's ears.

Evan laughed, but he never took his eyes off of Callie. He suddenly grabbed her arm and turned pale as a ghost. Callie looked at him questionly and was about to speak when he raised a shaky finger and pointed behind her. Callie turned around and screamed...



© 2011 Call Me Blu


Author's Note

Call Me Blu
Tell me if you want more. With the next chapter it is from a diffrent point of view, so you should figure it out quick.

My Review

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This is good. But a few thing:
-the "aint" should have an approstrophe between the n and the t.
-if you're doing the "in" instead of the "ing", then you should put an approstophe at the end. Ex: yellin'
-"Gee I thought wonder where I got that from" should be "Gee, I thought. Wonder where I got that from."
-nevergrown should be never grown
-I think solashed should be sloshed
-diswasher should be dishwasher
-if you're going to make the mother have a sort of drunking accent, that's fine. Just italize it.
-gthe should be the
-above, when Callie is talking to her mom, she says "going to see Even" it should be "going to see Evan".
-"Free at last I thought" should be "Free at last, I thought"
-"for now at least" should be "for now at least,"
-At the end, you changed POV. You went from "I" to "Callie"

Other than those, this is very good! I'm waiting to see more!

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Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

"I pulled out jeans and a t-shirt and changed. I put up my hair and pulled on the red baseball cap with the gold C that I had had forever, yet nevergrown out of. I ran out of my room and into the tiny hall that held the bathroom. I listened into the door and heard no sounds of vomit. Bacon and eggs it is." A good example of what can happen a lot, especially when using 1st person. Try not starting two sentences with the same word in your paragraphs. Obviously, this is impossible to do every single time, but this will force you to change up the sentence structure. Try starting sentences with verbs or adverbs, or adjectives. This will definitely help you with your style adn keep the reader from getting bored. Also, "heard no sounds of vomit" should be "heard no sounds of vomiting."

"solashed" I know this is a silly mistake (you meant splashed, right?) but you want to avoid leaving even the silly mistakes in your writing as much as possible. These little mistakes take the reader out of the story, which takes away from your writing as a whole.

"ran" you're using this verb a lot. Try using different ones, like "raced" or "jogged" just to keep the reader from getting bored by reading the same word over and over.

"Evan laughed, but he never took his eyes off of Callie. He suddenly grabbed her arm and turned pale as a ghost. Callie looked at him questionly and was about to speak when he raised a shaky finger and pointed behind her. Callie turned around and screamed..." you switched from 1st person to 3rd. Was this intentional (I'll read the next chapter to see if there was a reason) because it threw me off.

This is clearly a little rough, but you have potential. I'm interested. A good intro, but a little fast. You might want to slow down the pace a little and introduce characters more, let us get to know them. For example, how does Callie feel about her mom's drinking annd yelling? Who exactly is Evan and what is their relationship? Things of that nature. But a good start. Just work on it a little more, maybe add in some detail. Perhaps let Evan and Callie have a conversation to let us get to know them before ending the chapter. Good job, though. I will definitely read more.

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Posted 10 Years Ago


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QC
Hm, it's a little rough, but definately has potential! You have some spelling errors. For example, you put "your" when it's actually suppose to be "You're" but other tha that, it's pretty much golden! :D

Leaves me wondering what the hell is going to happen next! I like that this is sort of different: Callie's mom is an abusive drunk who's less than desirable. Really, really good, Blu! I wonder what's got Evan all scared....

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Posted 10 Years Ago


This is really good! There are a few typos and grammatical things, but I saw that you don't want them corrected so I'm not going to point them out. The only thing that bothers me is the very last paragraph, when suddenly you aren't in first person anymore. You need to stay consistent with the POV. Other than that, this is a great start to your story!

Read, Write, Review Group

Posted 10 Years Ago


This is good. But a few thing:
-the "aint" should have an approstrophe between the n and the t.
-if you're doing the "in" instead of the "ing", then you should put an approstophe at the end. Ex: yellin'
-"Gee I thought wonder where I got that from" should be "Gee, I thought. Wonder where I got that from."
-nevergrown should be never grown
-I think solashed should be sloshed
-diswasher should be dishwasher
-if you're going to make the mother have a sort of drunking accent, that's fine. Just italize it.
-gthe should be the
-above, when Callie is talking to her mom, she says "going to see Even" it should be "going to see Evan".
-"Free at last I thought" should be "Free at last, I thought"
-"for now at least" should be "for now at least,"
-At the end, you changed POV. You went from "I" to "Callie"

Other than those, this is very good! I'm waiting to see more!

READ, WRITE, REVIEW

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think that you are good but here are a few things I noticed:
Line 1- turn the period after other into a semi colon
Gee I thought wonder where i got that from- turn to "Gee, I thought, Wonder where I get that from.
And jhust where have you...- just
I ran down gthe hallway...- the
Free at last- needs comma afterwards


I loved it, usually I'll just skim if I don't like it that much and I read it all! The ending was in the perfect cliff hanging spot i love your use of detail. Keep it up:)

Posted 10 Years Ago


yeah i wanna read more i wanna see what she was screamin about lol. i will tell you though that if its some tragedy waiting to happen you may want to build up a little more. i like the way you have the reader hanging on to see what shes screaming about but it may be getting to a climax way too early without taking the neccessary steps to build the reader up and get some suspense going. just a suggestion. but i dont have a lot to base that on considering i have no idea what she was screamin about lol

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on December 28, 2010
Last Updated on January 10, 2011
Tags: leaving, me, behind, find, begining, chapter, one, no


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Call Me Blu
Call Me Blu

At the end of the rainbow



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