Responsibility

Sometimes I just want to post things where myself and others can find it if i ever lose my notebook.

Without limits, what cause do I have to strive?

With no enemy or threat, which direction do I aim my bow?

I assume full responsibility for my life. That is to say I am to blame for my birth, my life, and my death.

For being born was not a choice unto me, but how I consider it was and is.

If I decide I should never have been born, or simply disagree with living, I always at any point in time have the option of suicide. By my being alive it is safe to say that I have not found so much to disagree with as to come to that yet.

Choice is a necessity - not making a choice, ie: not deciding, is still a choice made. So when presented with a choice you always have a the responsibility to choose and the result is always entirely dependent on your choice.

My birth is no exception.

Every day I am faced with the choice of my own birth, and how I react on it dictates the rest of my day and indeed my life.

For every day I can choose to opt out of birth and kill myself if I disagree with living so. By my and everyone else's current state of being alive, I can say we all agree with living.

If you don't - do it.

I wish to die, but I agree too much with living.

Rather, I wish to live in death. That is not to say I wish for an undeath such as a vampire, zombie, or other cliche construct. What I mean is that I wish to experience, with all the senses given to me in life, the nothingness that is death.

I want to hear silence neverending, no ringing in my ears, no heartbeat,

no long faint echo of the last sound - I want a silence that always was and will be.

I wish to see with no eyes a void with no things, no light.

I wish to experience death with never having lived.

Ahh, the crux.

To experience I must live, to be in death I must forfeit life, but to say that I wish to experience death it is necessary that I have lived, and in life lays the blame for this desire.

For if I never lived, I would not I, but what I would become from would be in the state I wish to experience. It is cruel that I am not what I became from.

Thus I believe the only satisfaction I can hope to achieve is through wringing out the desire for death in this life. To think on it, desire it, to wait expectantly for it, and to enjoy the excitement at the thought of it.

Without fear of death why do anything which is not immediately pleasurable? 

A man who does such and dies young may be said to have enjoyed to the fullest X% of his life.

Another man who takes care of himself, his future, and through "good" fortune lives a long life may be said to have enjoyed to the fullest Y% of his life.

I am entirely convinced that X>Y, that life is by default more suffering than enjoyment.