Chapter 1

Hi. If I'm being completely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing or why. But if you've somehow found your way here, reading everything right from my mind onto this computer I almost never use. This is going to be completely raw, unfiltered, and the most truthful thing you will ever read.

My entire life I've always struggled with expressing, or even knowing what I feel, I never knew how to express my emotions or even understand why I'm feeling what I am. I've never been able to vocalize how I feel or what goes on in my head to anyone. My thoughts are screaming to be heard and they're angry I won't let them out. I can only seem to express it when I'm alone at nights and thinking on the spot, thankfully I'm a fast Typer so I can keep up with my thoughts. So, I guess let's begin.

I guess I should start in the beginning. My mom had me young, too young- 14 years old. She went through her own things growing up, but that's her own story to tell. Because my mom had be at 14, she had no idea who she was and had so much trauma which led to depression, anger, pride, insecurities, and a killer fight or flight instinct- she had no idea how to love, she had no idea how to be a mother, and she had no idea how badly she needed to heal. I was her first born, the first daughter. Everything was usually made to be my fault. I grew up basically begging my mother for attention and her approval. I never felt good enough for anyone or anything because of that, and I became a huge people pleaser throughout my life. I used to be so hidden from the world by her, I wasn't allowed to have my own opinions, I was always told how I felt and what was wrong with me. My mom also had 5 kids by the time she was 19, and I helped her take care of all of them. I would help cook, clean, change diapers, helped with all the motherly duties at a young age. Eventually I became the mom figure after my mom finally left our abusive father and was a single mom working 12 hour shifts every day. I felt so alone and had no idea what to do, the only thing I really knew how to do was how to take care of people, so that's exactly what I tried to do. I never had friends in school either, so along with being bullied the few friends I did have walked all over me. There were only a handful of people throughout my life that had genuine intentions with me. I'm ashamed to say that I was so blind and stupid that I took advantage of the good ones I did have.

When I had my first relationship was when I was 12 years old, with a tall emo, cringy 14-year-old in the grade above me. He reflected onto me how impulsive I was, how much I followed the people around me just to seek approval. I thought my first breakup would have been my last, I told myself I would be smarter and stronger. But god, I really had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into.