Hush

Close your eyes. Don't say a word.

She fell from the darkness into a vat of eyes. They blinked in surprise at her presence, then cast her looks of skepticism - of weary disappointment, pity, resentment, hatred, and anger. What are you doing here? they seemed to be asking. And she reached her hands into the ugly mass, stretched her legs towards the edges - but there were no sides to grab onto and no footholds to arrest her fall. There was nothing to stop her from drowning in the sea of sticky juices, the eyeballs that rolled around and around and passed judgment on her every move. She looked left- up- right- down- turned around, swimming in circles and holding back cries of frustration and disgust - but there was no horizon line, no sandy island shore - no ship to save her, to answer her desperate pleas. So she closed her eyes; pressed down her eyelids until all she could see was black, black and stars that shone against the darkening backdrop of the fading night sky.

Then she was drifting - the wind had picked her up and spun her around, sending her through the billowing branches of trees that she could not see. Threads hung from the seams of her eyes, where the tops had been drawn shut and sewn to the bottoms. Black liquid leaked from the hastily punctured holes, torn by a dulled and rusted needle. Was it ink? Her soul as black as her heart.

And when she awoke, her face turned against the wind that softly blew back her hair, a tear traced a silver path down her blood-stained cheek. Her fingers, frozen like ice, were tickled by the razor blades of grass, yet no blood escaped from the tiny, precise cuts. Military formations of white flowers surrounded her body, suffocating her with their sweet scent and brushing her arms, her legs, her feet. Skin clear like porcelain. The sun sank through the smog and lit up the scene around her. But all she could see were shadows.

Holding her hands over her broken eyes, she cried to herself. The tears could barely escape and the salt only deepened the wounds. Her body shook as she lay trembling in the open field, with the skies closing in and thunder in the distance. She opened her mouth to formulate words but only ugly, bitter screams escaped. So she brought her knees up to her chin and calmed her nervous heart - but when she tried again, she realized there was no point in speaking. The thoughts raced through her tired mind but she could not fall asleep - not again. Images took shape in her head - spiraling towers and twisted metal - cold concrete and deserted swing sets - burning fires and smoldering ashes. And her quivering voice rang clear through the empty air - oh God... what have I done?

Reviews

[Lauren Marie]

Wow! This was amazing!
With the first paragraph you had me hooked.
You played with the readers thoughts and emotion, and brought us into a strange world.
Ending with a cliffhanger is only a bad thing if you don't tell us the rest of the story :)
I would love to see what caused this character to be this way!
Great write!
~Lauren

[C.M.]

nice

[Drew Wade]

I really really liked this story. I'm not usually a fan of stories where the protagonist doesn't have a name, but the dreamlike nature of this work made perfect sense for your use of pronouns.

Now, I'm not sure I understood this at all. That's okay, because I don't have to understand art to appreciate it. I'm kind of sure I got the first part, but the ending in the field and with the apocalyptic imagery stumped me. So I guess that's my only criticism of this piece- you have a really amazing story telling structure and it seems almost a shame that you stop where you do. You could have easily made this longer, and in making it longer, made it less hard to understand.

That being said- your writing is impeccable. I couldn't find anything wrong with your style, punctuation, or grammar. In fact, your descriptions border on the truly great. It's obvious you spent a lot of time on saying exactly what you want to say, and it shows. Now, if you didn't spend a lot of time on it, then I would have to say it's definitely a work of genius.

I loved loved loved your descriptions of the military flowers. Even nice things, to the protagonist, take on a menacing glare.

So, to sum up, I guess even though some of it was lost to me, your writing ability more than made up for my confusion. (i am easily confused, too, so no big deal there. haha.)

Top marks. good job. I'm glad I read it.