Unknown hero

See how I battle terrorist and save my country

It was a bright sunny day. I was reading a book on my front lawn and I was really engrossed in it. When suddenly a
well-dressed man, possibly in his forties, threw a bag on my lawn. I barely got a glimpse of his face as he was wearing sunglasses and held a handkerchief over his mouth as he ran away. I called him out but he did not listen. He jumped into a red car and sped away.

Curious to know what was going on, I looked at the bag for a moment, wondering if it perhaps contained a bomb. I took the bag to my room but did not have the courage to open it. It was much heavier than expected which made me wonder what could be inside this mysterious bag. I started to put the bag on my table, but I heard a police siren so I hid the bag under my bed. I tried to calm myself before facing the police

Two young men dressed in black uniforms jumped from the police car and rang our door bell.

I barely got the door open before they demanded, "Did you see a red car around here?"

"No, no, what -- what's this all about?" I stammered nervously to police.

"These bank thieves stole three million rupees and fled."
"Well, yeah, I did see a red car zoom down this way and around that turn at the end of this street."

The uniformed officers jumped in their car in hot pursuit.

I went to my room and carefully opened the bag -- there I saw three million rupees. I had never seen that much money together before. I saw a sheet of paper folded on the side. I took it out and read it. It was written: I am Manoj Kapoor of the Indian secret services. Two men will come to your house and ask about me. Don't tell them about the bag I gave you but tell them where I went. They are terrorist and are going to fund terror with this money. The last part ran a shiver down my spine but I did not understand why he wanted me to tell them where he went. I was relieved that I didn't give them the bag. Then suddenly the bell rang.

 It was the two men they told me they found the car in the middle of a river but could not find any money or any person in the car. They asked me if I had seen a black bag. I said that I hadn't. I went up to my room. I was scared and didn't know what to do. My aunt was not at home -- she had gone to buy grocery but was supposed to come thirty minutes ago. I was alone at home. I picked up my mother's picture. I did not remember her, both my parents died in the Mumbai bomb blast in 2004. Just three years old, I was found in the cleaning room hours after the attack.

 Suddenly my room window opened and behind the curtain a man was trying to enter. I picked up a stick to defend myself, I was afraid it would be enough against a terrorist. I hid behind the door as the man crept in. Then he pushed back the curtain and I saw his face. He had a beard and was quite tall. I felt as I had seen the man before. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, ''I am Manoj Kapoor, your father''. He showed me a picture of him with my mother and me.

Before I could say anything the phone rang. I picked it up and someone said, '' I have your aunt -- bring me the money and Manoj Kapoor at square street corner in one hour and don't try anything smart or else.... ''and hung up the phone. I did not know what to do. I had just met my father and now some terrorist wanted him but I took the bag and headed to the address with my dad.

 When we reached there my aunt was tied to a bench and had a blindfold. There was nobody in sight or so I thought, A fourteen year old kid, Rajeev had seen some men tying a woman to a bench. When they saw him they threatened to kill him so he ran away. After ten minutes he returned and hid behind a small building and waited.

I  saw a black van coming towards us. It had tinted windows so I was not able to see inside.Then the back door slid open and a man wearing a mask came out with a rifle. I tried to run but then he shot my dad on his leg. I went to help him as he fell to the ground. The man snatched the bag from me and smacked me on my head with the rifle. I started loosing consciousness.

When I woke up I was tied to a wooden chair. For a few seconds I could not remember anything. I tried to move and started panicking. My head was paining. Then as I saw my aunt in front of me. She was crying. I remembered everything. I looked for my dad but could not see him. Behind me there was an empty seat with cut pieces of rope. Then suddenly the door was slammed open and my dad came inside with two rifles and blood stains on his white shirt. He said '' we can go home now.''. Then just as was coming inside to open our ropes a man came inside and knocked him to the ground with a metal chair ending my hope of survival.

My dad, aunt and I were then tied with metal chains and were informed that we would be shot down at three thirty pm as they could not take the risk of keeping us alive for any longer. It was already five minutes past three and were only twenty five minutes left as the clock kept ticking all my hope of surviving got lost. When there were only ten minutes left, I started praying to god. This was the most difficult time of my life.

As ten minutes past a man came into the room with a gun I was in tears I could not control myself. He pointed the gun at my head and put his finger on the trigger. I could hear my heart beating. I looked at my dad then closed my eyes. I had heard that people have flashbacks from their lives right before dying but I just sat there. I did not want to die. Then boom I heard the gun shooting but I didn't feel any pain. I wasn't dead. I opened my eyes and saw the person who was going to shoot me lying on the ground with a bullet hole in his forehead. I looked on the opposite side of the room and saw a boy, my age, holding a pistol in his hands shaking and was starring at the body. I could not recognize him. A minute past in silence. Then he opened our chains and told us that he would answer all our questions once we escaped.

We went out of the room. He seemed to know where to go and we followed him. As we approached the gate my hopes rose. Then we saw guards at the gate and the two men who were pretending to be the cops. They had the black bag they put the bag in a small room beside the gate and entered the main building. The boy who said his name was Rajeev told us how he had seen my aunt being tied to a bench and watched us being kidnapped so he followed the van on his scooter, entered the building, found us stole a gun and ...... he did not continue after that.
 
Rajeev had a plan to get past the guards he told us to sit the white van that was parked right beside the gate, take the bag and wait outside the gate until he returned. While he distracted the guards. He ran in sight of the guards shouted and showed them the gun he had, at this without much thought all the guards ran behind him and he ran away from us.

We sat in the white van. The keys were already inside as Rajeev had said, took the bag and waited outside the gate, five minutes later I getting really worried when suddenly I spotted Rajeev sprinting towards the van and chasing him were armed men and the guards. I thought that he would easily make it but as he was about to reach a man pointed his rifle towards Rajeev and shot a bullet straight to his leg. He shouted in pain and fell to the ground. He started crawling towards the van. I felt as if they were gaining on him. I realized that he wouldn't be able to reach to the van. So without thinking I got out of the van towards Rajeev and started dragging him to the van. We were almost there when another bullet was shot this time straight at Rajeev's chest and he fell there dead but before dying he told me to go as keeping the money away from the terrorist was more important and those where his last words. I was reluctant to leave him there but the men had almost reached me so somehow I sat in the van and we left.

Author's Note

How is it, any suggestions

Reviews

[barleygirl]

WOW! What an amazing & shocking story! I can feel that this is a true story, as your telling does not sound exaggerated or false in any way. This is a great job of telling your story in English, which probably isn't your natural language. But this would need much work to be a story that's easy to read & follow. I had to re-read several passages to get it straight.

I would be willing to work on your story to make it more clear to read & understand, if you want such help. I never offer this to other writers. I would only do it becuz your story is so powerful & told with genuine feelings. Your story deserves to be told well.

If you want to work on your story, the first thing that would make it more readable is to divide the writing into paragraphs, instead of a long block of writing all run together without any pauses. Another thing that would help us visualize what's happening, is to have more description of your surroundings in each of the places where this story plays out. Help us SEE, HEAR, SMELL, how this situation feels.

The best writing is when you have a gun to your head, you hear a gunshot, then you realize you're not dead. That is very well written & you brought the reader thru that almost exactly how it must've felt to you, making it very vivid picture of the scene. You could take this much time with each bit of action & this story would be 3 times longer, but more powerful & easier to follow. I hope this helps.

[Dust That Drifts Throug..]

Divide the paragraphs. This is a good and shocking story.

[DB Heinemann]

Kinda sounds like a 12 year old is telling the story just from the past tense verbs and cliched "It was a bright sunny day," etc. Not entirely a bad a thing, just a heads up that's the voice I'm getting.
I also find it strange your protagonist didn't open the bag on the lawn. Like, if it was a bomb, he could have exploded his house right there. Not very smart.
It'd also likely be more beneficial if he read the note before the cops showed up at his house. Also, the reveal of his father is a little awkward. I feel like your protagonist should recognize him from pictures or something. Or Manoj should have mentioned in his note that he was his father or your protagonist should have recognized the name or something.
Also, how did the terrorists know the kid had the money and his dad? And it seems kind of strange there's no dialogue between him and his dad before they decide to go get some terrorists. Like no, "where have you been? They have my aunt! What do we do?"
And how do they know what Rajeev saw? That's a bit of a clunky introduction to him. You might want to save mention of him until after he saves the family.
I think overall, the plot is pretty good but the details are too absent. Some dialogue would really help with this. The ending which could have easily been at least a shock became anticlimatic when told in such a mechanical, matter of fact way with no dialogue or nothing. And there's no explanatory conclusion where the father explains what's been up, etc. Like I said, plot was decent. But gotta work on those details. And don't make it sound like it's some person retelling it. Make us feel like we're really there as it's happening. Describe it in real time with dialogue and descriptions and emotions. And have the father explain himself. Those are my two main complaints. Otherwise, not bad.

[aLittlePain]

Ishaan,

Firstly let me commend you for a solid effort, I admire that you have told what appears to be a a sombre but true story, for me that made the story more compelling. I want to add that I am utterly impressed at the great effort it must have taken to write this in English, considering it is not your first language I take my hat off to you!
It did take some extra effort from me to get through parts of the story but it did not take away from the emotion/grit of the story itself.

*Like many reviewers I would suggest breaking the your writing into paragraphs. It's an important tenet to storytelling that gives the story timing & rhythmic flow and effect. It's also easier on the reader as they progress.

*I would also recommend setting the scene a little more, create an atmosphere where the reader can visualise the plot as it unfolds (describe the surroundings/place/mood) That's something you could practise perhaps?

*Try and create flow through your sentences with connectors; some basic examples are furthermore, however, but, yet, while... Using connectors or conjunctions create more natural flow as sentences create paragraphs.

*A helpful tip; when writing dialogue do so in separate paragraphs and use " " quotation marks.

Again a solid effort Ishaan, the story is compelling if not shocking at times, I encourage you to keep writing but also accept the kind offer from barleygirl to help your writing grow!
You're young and I can tell you have an enthusiasm for writing, so continue to learn and grow.
All the best.

Ngā mihi maioha (warmest regards)
Rachel x

[Amelia]

I really like the plot of the story. Piece of advice: add more imagery. Place the character with some emotions and have good details that the reader will imagine themselves at that very moment. Also, with the first sentence, "It was a bright and sunny day", is a bit blunt. Again try to add more imagery. For example, look at my first chapter of my book. The imagery in the beginning is very detailed and you can get some ideas from that (don't plagiarize tho). Good luck with the story!

[Lorraine Montez]

Great imagination! Somber, but exciting situations. Full of drama and valor and suspense. Keep writing and tell us what comes next!

[Corvus]

Can you add more detail to certain parts like the first 3 paragraphs. Also, more descriptive words would help too with the writing. I also don't think the main charter would just accept the man as his father so easily. Yet other than that its is a good story, and what dod you think about mine

[Avinash]

Good effort..keep writing.

[John]

Well, how do I start? I like the story in itself, but there are some pointers that you really need to work on so that it flows together.

First of all, start using connectors! Your text goes from sentence to sentence but they're not tied together. Some suggestions include the usual: but, however, also, not only that, etc.

Also, put the dialogue in separate paragraphs denoted with "", so that it makes the text easier for the reader to follow!

Finally, make better use of punctuation. Some of your sentences run too long while other paragraphs are fragmentedm. Try to find a balance.

Best of luck!

[Stefano Segnan]

I second most of what JayG already wrote, especially that it looks like telling a story to a friend. It lacks the atmosphere necessary for a story. For example, all the "suddenly" you utilised, didn't feel so at all.
Furthermore, I found the lack of commas quite bothersome to read, you should pay more attention on that.
Lastly, but I think somebody already mentioned it, there's too much "then", "and then" and similar. Those signal an uneven evolution of the story, leaving behind too much of the character development for the general story.
The rest has already been said in the other comments. Just keep practicing and writing, the story is good, just improve it with other elements.

[Writing Angel]

as i only have a few suggestions i really admired the turns a si wonder of this was real..yet maybe be a little more descriptive about the feelings of fear...mayb the horror of your dad being wounded..just a suggestion.
also a little better wording.
as i am 15 i must say your writing skills are amazing and you are very creative... great work