SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, SAID THE DRAGON TO JACK

SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, SAID THE DRAGON TO JACK

A Poem by Mike Lamb
"

A mock children's book

"

"SO YOU'RE GOING TO DIE," SAID THE DRAGON TO JACK,

"CHOPPED UP INTO BITS WITH A SLASH! AND A HACK!"

 

"WHO'D DO SUCH A THING?" SHOUTED JACK IN SURPRISE,

"I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES AND I'M SICK OF YOUR LIES!"

 

"THE JOKE," SAID THE DRAGON, "I'M AFRAID IS QUITE TRUE,

"FOR I'VE SEEN THAT THE FUTURE DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU.

"THE DETAILS ARE VAGUE, AND THE METHOD'S UNCERTAIN,

"BUT NO MATTER WHAT, BE EXPECTING THE CURTAIN.

"IT COULD COME FROM A FIRE TO COOK YOU LIKE STEAK,

"AND WHEN YOU CRY HELP! YOU'LL BE THROWN IN THE LAKE.

"YOUR SKIN WILL TURN BLACK AND THE FLAMES WILL DIE DOWN,

"BUT SAVED YOU ARE NOT, FOR INSTEAD YOU WILL DROWN!"

 

SAID JACK TO THE DRAGON, "DON'T TELL ME THESE THINGS!

"WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE SET FIRE TO YOUR WINGS?"

 

"CALM DOWN," SAID THE DRAGON, "THERE'S MORE WAYS TO GO,

"YOU MIGHT QUIETLY DIE, OR MIGHT PUT ON A SHOW!

"IT MIGHT BE JUST CLUMSY, OR TERRIBLE LUCK,

"STRUCK DOWN BY LIGHTNING, OR HIT BY A TRUCK!

"TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND JUMP OUT OF A PLANE,

"THEY'LL SAY WHO WAS THAT GUY? WOW, HE WAS INSANE!"

 

"ALRIGHT LOOK, FLYING SERPENT," SAID JACK TO THE BEAST,

"I DON'T THINK THAT I CARE FOR THIS TALK IN THE LEAST.

"IT'S OFFENSIVE AND RUDE, AND YOU'VE CLEARLY NO TACT,

"SO SHUT THE [email protected]#? UP," TO THE DRAGON SAID JACK.

 

"IS THIS MAKING YOU MAD?" SAID THE SNAKE WITH A SMILE,

"FOR IT'S QUITE A LONG LIST, WE MAY BE HERE A WHILE.

"SO LISTEN YOUNG MAN, AND LISTEN UP GOOD."

"DO I HAVE TO?" SAID JACK. SAID THE DRAGON, "YOU SHOULD.

 

"YOU EAT TOO MUCH BACON, YOUR HEART MIGHT EXPLODE.

"YOU COULD POISON YOUR LIVER FROM LICKING A TOAD.

"EATEN BY WOLVES OR MOLESTED BY BEARS,

"GET AIDS FROM A MONKEY OR FALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

"YOU MIGHT EVEN GET HANGED IN THE CENTER OF TOWN,

"ABDUCTED BY MARTIANS OR SHOT BY A CLOWN.

"MAKE UP A SYNDROME AND GIVE IT YOUR NAME,

"OR DIE FROM A COLD, WOULDN'T THAT BE A SHAME?

"STILL UNDECIDED? THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER.

"HERE'S AN IDEA, TRY NEW SUPER-CANCER!

"BUT CANCER'S A TRAGEDY, NO WAY TO DIE.

"SO WHY NOT GIVE SOMETHING MORE SLAPSTICK A TRY?

"HEAD CRACKED ON A TOILET FROM SLIPPING IN POO,

"OR KILLED IN A DUEL WITH A MAD KANGEROO!"

 

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" SHOUTED JACK, "I'M SICK OF THIS TALK!

"I'M HEALTHY, YOU HEAR? NOT AN OUTLINE IN CHALK!

"THE WORLD'S FULL OF GRAVES, BUT THERE'S NOT ONE FOR ME!

"YOU DON'T KNOW OF MY LIFE, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SEE!

"YOU DON'T SCARE ME DRAGON, THOUGH TRY AS YOU MIGHT,

"DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO COWER IN FRIGHT?

"THERE'S NO WAY THAT I'M DYING, IN FACT, I FEEL FINE."

 

"WELL YOU'RE TALKING TO DRAGONS, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A SIGN?"

© 2010 Mike Lamb


Author's Note

Mike Lamb
ignore font type/size/etc. as these details may change at random

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Reviews

oh my goodness graciousness this is so funny! slip in poo, haha!

Posted 8 Years Ago


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r
I've seriously reread this around ten times. ♥

Posted 9 Years Ago


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Baz
This is simply a spectacular piece of writing, in my humble opinion. You have got everything in this poem: interesting and funny characters, a proper storyline, superb attention to rhyme and meter, and to top it all off - a killer punchline. I have to say that there are many "good " pieces of writing on the Cafe, but very few "excellent" ones. This one falls into that category. Truly wonderful.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Congratulations you won the competition! You deserved to win you were clearly the winner!

mamabear x

Posted 10 Years Ago


WOW! I absolutely love this. Well done it is brilliant. Keep it up

mamabear x

Posted 10 Years Ago


Jack is making his way up my favorite character list.

Posted 10 Years Ago


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r
OMG I LOVE THIS. It is AMAZING. It's funny and creative and wow. Instantly, I loved it. xD

Posted 11 Years Ago


I enjoyed the font, it is a bit confusing but it works very well for me.
and I thought it was quite funny.
I'm not sure Jack always speaking in CAPS worked as well though, I understand the dragon but maybe start off slowly before having him start raving.

that's about all my thoughts, this was very nicely done.

Posted 11 Years Ago


i like it a lot, but way too hard to differentiate between speakers. you should set each new perspective/character to a new paragraph. eh?

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago



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679 Views
9 Reviews
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Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on September 11, 2010
Last Updated on September 11, 2010
Tags: Dr. Suess, dragons, death, dark comedy
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Author

Mike Lamb
Mike Lamb

greenville, NC



About
Artist, writer, and a drunken lunatic prophet. I am the author of Jack's Inferno, a dark comedy bizarro/horror novel about Hell, previously published through Wordplague (now defunct). I am also a pro.. more..

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