joanie

I am google-searching for a person I used to know.  Well... that is, I knew who she was, but I didn't actually KNOW her. She lived in the same town as me.  We were roughly the same age.  That is, we were in the same grade in school, but she might have been older (and I was younger) than our class peers.  As far as I can remember, we never talked.  To each other, that is.  

Let's get right to the point.  She was the cutest girl I have ever seen.  Ever.  She was so cute, I can even conjure up her face now, sixty years later.  In truth, I probably only saw her a total of six times.  Maybe five.  But once was in Sunday School where I was able to look at her for a long time.  She just sat there and smiled.  The whole time. I don’t think I ever saw her not smiling. I guess that would be kind of creepy now, but then, in the throes of hormone-fueled adolescence, it was, uh, enchanting.

I don't think she spoke a word.

The town we lived in was actually not much of a town.  It was a coal town, company-owned.  I am guessing at that point (past the heyday of coal mining) there might have been 30 families total.  And even at that, she lived in a remote part of the town: across the tracks, near the river, and separated from the rest of town by, among other things, the town dump (which, for description purposes, was always smoldering with spontaneous combustion).  Why there was even a house in that part of town remains a mystery.  I once went over there as a passenger in a friend's parent's car, but I didn't see her... just some movement of the curtain that I have always imagined was her looking back at ME.  The house was a rather squalid affair (but, in fairness, none of the houses were that great).

I am guessing we were about 13 years old... middle school and we took the school bus to a city about 5 miles away.  But she was rarely on the bus.  That was because, I think, her older brother would drive her to school when she went, but I don’t ever remember seeing her in school. Ever.  

I actually don't ever recall seeing her in high school either, and I largely forgot about her except for this: at our 30th reunion (which up until that time was the only reunion I attended).  Of course, I was largely distracted by all the acquaintances there and all the self-aggrandizing I had to do with girlfriends past, and with competitive males. But there was a rather strange looking woman sitting at a nearby table with I am assuming were friends.  Not that any of us looked great... well, actually, some looked rather fabulous and almost unchanged since high school... but the strange woman was dressed all in black, had dyed black hair, and lots of makeup.  Overweight.  This, to my knowledge, was before goth was a thing.  A little scary, actually.  She was goth.  At about age 50.

I never figured out who she was.  But I started to wonder if she was the same person as the cutest girl I have ever seen.  I don't know why I made that leap; but maybe in my head I was thinking that I could finally rid myself of my quest.  In any case, I still don't know who goth-lady was.

Here's the final thing, though.  Twenty years later, in preparation for attending the 50th class reunion, I read the pre-event booklet of contributions and see that the cutest girl has died.  In post reunion email gossip I actually hear she might have frozen to death.

So I keep looking her up on google, but so far: nothing.