The Last Journey

A first stab at a Pantoum as suggested by "you know who you are"....

 

Across great divides travel weary men,

And women with babes in arms,

Dusty and worn from trials of life,

Diseased and bloody and torn.

 

And women with babes in arms,

The caring face of humanity,

Diseased and bloody and torn,

Stripped of worldly possessions.

 

The caring face of humanity,

Squinting, eyes shielded from harsh light,

Stripped. Of worldly possessions

They care not.

 

Squinting eyes shielded from harsh light,

By weather beaten hands,

They care not ,

For no pain or discomfort concerns them.

 

By weather beaten hands,

Helped aboard, all are safe now,

For no pain or discomfort concerns them,

Now they can rest.

 

Helped aboard all are safe now,

A last journey,

Now they can rest,

Soon to become young again.

 

A last journey,

Dusty and worn from trials of life,

Soon to become young again,

Across great divides travel weary men.

Reviews

[Fran Marie]

A well Crafted Pantoum both in form and content

with the ending stanza repeat of the first stanza ~

Ties and rounds this Pantoum up quite nicely~WelL DonE!~

Fran Marie

[Tessa]

wow, this is such a crappy poem. you are such a crappy poet.

nah, i'm just messing with you. haha

i really liked it. the rhythm of the first stanza is magical. so sad...

[Emily Rose]

Hurrah! Quite a good job for the first try at a pantoum! There are bits of it that need some fixing, though. First of all, it would make infinitely more sense to substitute "Across" instead of "cross," because "cross "is a verb and you already have a verb in the sentence ("travel") so "across" would make much more sense and bring a lot more clarity to that line. Also the "at last" after "care not" seems a little out of place. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say there; in fact I suspect that you might just be trying to lengthen the line. This is not entirely necessary, especially not in the pantoum style; sometimes shorter lines are just what you need to make the poem flow, so don't be afraid to delete and make changes. Also, in your line "no pain or discomfort concerns them," the line's second use reads "no pain or discomfort bothers them." I assume that this is a mere error of editing (perhaps you changed on of the lines to the verb that you liked better and neglected to change the other) but I figured I'd point it out.

I'm always saying this, but in a pantoum this is even more important: you REALLY need to be careful with your punctuation. You use a very clever period once after "stripped" and it changes the line nicely, but if you're going to use one period, then you need to use more punctuation. Be CONSISTENT! Using only one period and one comma and failing to properly punctuate the rest of the poem is a sign of laziness, and that's not something with which you want to mar a perfectly good piece of art. Pantoums were the medium through which I first discovered the power of punctuation, and from what I can tell you're beginning to discover it, too. But, to that end, you need to use this tool with great care and respect; punctuation is not something to be taken lightly, after all. It can change the form and the meaning of a line in a very subtle, but undeniable way. ... Sorry. I'm a little sensitive about punctuation, but especially when it's used in a pantoum. You get what I mean.

Despite my rambling, this is a wonderful first effort and it should definitely be commended. You show great forsight from beginning to end - the last stanza is my favorite, and that one is the hardest to bring together since it's made up of all recycled lines. Bravo!