Creme

 

I leap into a teacup for the evening

        swim in the stars, float on the moon

sing to the sun, dine with the sea

        An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible; peaceable

         Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes

 

I cast out honey-lemon dreams, cradle sugar in my palm

          Dance with the East, Converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes

 

I hear the notes of love float among the tide        

          Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

Author's Note

structure? punctuation?

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I love these lines and the great imagery. I gave it a go, to give you an idea - take out the unnecessary punctuation and play with the structure:

I leap into a teacup for the evening

swim in the stars
float on the moon

sing to the sun
dine with the sea

An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible
peaceable

Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes



I cast out honey-lemon dreams
cradle sugar in my palm

dance with the East
and converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes



I hear the notes of love float among the tide

beats of crimson hearts
unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

that does look nice , neat and beautiful. Thank you for the suggestion, I think I will get on that

[Lyn Anderson]

You are very welcome. I think it is a very beautiful poem.

[jmt8921]

Great stuff. There's nothing I would change, I like it just the way it is. Leaping into a tea cup makes me think of Alice in wonderland. It's like a journey in imagination with all these impossible, beautiful images. Three thumbs up.

[Angel's Lady]

I love this! How wonderfully delightful and how absolutely whimsical! You have written such a delicate little poem that just catches the eye and makes my fingers want to snap with the flow and rhythm! Great write! Good job! Thanks for sharing this with the rest of us!

[SM Davis]

It flows beautifully until the last two lines of the poem...

Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind
(the way you have this structured the beats bind...but what is it they are binding?)

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..
(who are you kissing...up until this line...you've beautifully given imagery that is introspective...meaning about you...) can you see where I'm going with this?

I give you these because again, the continuity is broken here somehow. I won't rate this...so as not to bring down the ratings you've already received.

[lilain]

The structure was great. You brought the desire of sweets to my lips. Well written!

[Legion]

Coffee or tea. It's all good with a little creme in it. :) I like this. Love the imagery it invokes within. These two lines really stand out to me:

" An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible; peaceable"

Great write.

[darkmusicbaby88]

I liked the structure and I did not find any punctuation errors. I really liked this poem, it brought vivid images to my mind.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

WOW absolutely amazing... you captured sitting back and enjoying the view in such a graceful and spellbinding way... my first read of your work and might I say impressive, I look forward to reading more.

[Rambling Prose]

Absolutely BRILLIANT! My mind's eye enjoyed this whimsical journey through the 'day in the life' of the creme of the crop or is that cup? (smiles)

I'll never view drinking my tea in quite the same way. You've transformed the mundane 'sip' into a delightful, delectable, palate pleasing delicacy.

Simply magical...

[Treasaigh (The Solitar..]

Wow!! You are such an amazing visionary! This is beautiful! It was like hearing the words of my own heart being read out to me. I'm putting this in my library, I just adore it so.=)

[Noah]

absolutely loved it, structures for the weak, punctuation- a mere afterthought. your better than both of those ;P brilliant luv