Is This Really As Good As It Gets?

A twenty year old with OCD struggles to take chances.

I ask my mom if I'm okay for the fourth time in fifteen minutes. I had been driving home when I saw someone on the sidewalk riding his bike. I passed him but then I suddenly had the image of me swerving my car right into his bike and killing him. Why would I think something so horrible I ask myself. What if these were my true intentions? My mom tells me it's the OCD. She reassures me constantly. However, I still convince myself that I'm some kind of monster. That I'm going crazy. I go up to my room and when I shut the door I take out my phone and go to google. I type in "OCD, I think I hit someone with my car." I am immediately flooded with articles and forums about OCD and people having these exact same thoughts. I am relieved and this compulsion has been satisfied for the moment. I go downstairs and smile to myself and tell my mom everything is okay. Then I get the thought "what if you did hit the biker though and he's sitting there hurt. You fled the scene." And then I repeat the compulsion all over again. 

That's basically a day inside my head. I think I'm a monster when really, if I stub someone's toe, I sit there apologizing about it for the next ten minutes. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was sixteen, but looking back, I realize I've had it my whole life. One of the biggest challenges for me in school was getting on the bus every day. I was convinced there would be a crash or another kid would sneeze on me and I'd get a disease and die. Some days it would get so bad, my mom or dad would have to drive me to school. I am now twenty years old and live at home. I don't have a job because I'm scared I can't handle it. Yet here I am, one day away from moving out and into a dorm where I will be attending college. I think it's starting to hit me that I can't do this. If I couldn't get on a bus, how am I going to live with other people? I try to go to sleep but wrestle with my thoughts all night long. What if everyone thinks I'm a freak? What if I cry because I'm away from home? I'm scared and the fear is overwhelming. I was going to go so I could pursue film. All my life I've loved movies. I found that film was a way to express yourself. What if one day I could make a movie about OCD and the challenges of it. This excited me. I could do something with this. But now, I'm packing the car with my things when I tell my parents I can't do this. I'm too scared and I can't beat this. They hug me and tell me I'm stronger than I look. 

"Listen," my mom says, "I know you can do this, but if you can't, you can stay here. We won't be mad at you." 

"Why am I like this?" I ask. 

She tells me of Paul in the bible and how he had a thorn in his side. We don't know what it was she tells me, but God didn't take it away from him. 

"For some reason, God isn't taking this away from you, but he believes in you." 

My whole life I've never been able to see what my parents see in me. They tell me I have courage that I've never seen. 

"You don't have to go," my dad says. 

"I can't let y'all down like this," I say. 

"This isn't about us, you have to do this for yourself." 

I thank my parents and tell them I have to do this. While we're driving there, we don't say much in the car. I pray and ask God for strength. I've been afraid my whole life. I still don't know if I can do this. When we get there, I sit in the car and wait to do something. I feel like I can't get my legs to move. 

"You ready?" my mom asks. 

I tell them yes and we start taking my stuff from the car and putting it into my room. I want this to last forever, but when we're finally done I stand next to them by the car. 

"We're just a phone call away," my dad says. 

I hug them both and then they get in the car. As they are driving away, they wave and I wave back. When they're finally out of sight, I put my hand down and am just standing there. I'm about to go in when this girl bumps into me and drops her books. 

"I'm sorry," I say, "I wasn't paying attention." 

"Oh no, it's okay. No big deal." 

We both start picking up her books. 

"I'm Madison," she says. 

"Hi, I'm John." 

"Did you just move in?"

"Yeah, my parents literally just helped me drop off my stuff and left." 

"Cool. So what are you studying?"

"Film." 

"Wow," she says, "that's awesome." 

"Thanks. What about you?"

"Nursing." 

"Oh, that's cool," I say. 

"Yeah, thank you," she says. 

I can't think of anything else to say and am feeling a little awkward. I'm not good in these situations. 

"Well, it was nice meeting you," I say. 

I turn to walk away when she says "Hey, so I don't really know a lot about movies and making them, but that sounds really interesting. Would you like to get some coffee?" 

In my mind, I know I can't do this. I'm scared and something will go wrong. I'll say something stupid or just screw up somehow. I'm not good enough. I'm about to say no when my phone goes off and I have a text message. I apologize and tell her one second. I look at my phone and see a message that says, "We love you and believe in you, even when your OCD was at its worst, you've never brought us anything but joy. You can do this. Love mom and dad." 

I read it again and smile. I look at Madison and say "I'd love to get some coffee." 

She smiles and we start to walk and talk. It's the first brave thing I've done in a while. 

Author's Note

When my mom read my other stories she always asks why I have to write about crime and dark stuff. She wants something nice and encouraging. This is my attempt at it. I hope she, and everyone else likes it.