What have you done!

a dark poem another one i wrote hope you like it !

  

     first version  

 

   Oh dear God,

What have you done to me?

A dark cloud lurks upon me,

Dark shadow follows me as i walk,

I feel a breath of betrayal as a feeling twist,

Once we savored paradise,

Open wide eyed,

I can see darkness as it is now,

I feel so cold,

But your love sharnk,

of sickening lies,

Drops of blood follow the pain,

The memory,

Love forgotten,

In a storm of hatred,

I still have fallen for you,

I have fallen in love with you,

But i feel so ashamed,

I found out who i am,

My skin is cold,

I'm really pale,

My lips are blood red,

My eyes so black,

I am a vampire,

Lurking the night sky,

What have you done to me my love?

How could you do this to me?

I'm stuck here now feasting upon blood,

You took my soul away from me,

Why?

Why me?

Why turn me into a evil creature who lurks the night?

    second version 

  what have you done 

oh dear, 

oh no, 

what have you done to me? 

a dark cloud lurks upon me, 

dark shadows follow me as i walk, 

feeling of breath of betrayal as a feeling twist, 

once we savored our paradise, 

open wide eyed, 

i can see the darkness as it is now, 

i'm so cold, 

but your love is so strong, 

sickening within lies, 

drops of blood follow the pain and sorrow, 

the memories, 

love forgotten, 

a storm of hatred is a brewing, 

i'm still falling for you, 

i have began to fall in love, 

but i feel so ashamed, 

i found out who i am, 

my skin so cold, 

pale as can be, 

my lips drip blood, 

my eyes so black, 

my rosy red lip shine, 

i have become a creature of the night, 

a vampire, 

lurking the night sky, 

what have you done to me my love? 

how could you do this to me?

now i'm feasting upon blood, 

innocent souls, 

you took my soul away, 

now i'm empty inside, 

nothing there, 

why, 

why me, 

why turn me into this evil creature that i have become

Author's Note

a dark vampire poem ! tell me what you think
do you like the first version or the second version better

Reviews

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This is a unique perspective.
One I have not seen before.
+1 for creativity.

[Emily]

Great idea for a poem!
'Oh dear God,
What have you done to me?'
This first line draws me right in!
Well done!

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting poem. I could feel the disappointment in the words. You create dangerous place and a change in life. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Confuser]

Wow, I was waiting and gasping for your ending. Wow again. Scary and great. Thank you.

[Eleanor]

I liked the darkness of this poem. You always seem to show the emotions. Though a few corrections can make it much better :)

(But your love sharnk) I think you meant shrank?


(Why turn me into a evil creature who lurks the night?) Shouldn't it be why did you turn me...........?
Thank you :)

[TPK Stories]

I love the darkness of this poem.

[Ryan Henderson]

I love this poem! I like how dark it is, I like the emotion of sadness and anger expressed from the narrator towards the vampire who turned him/her. I love your vampire poems, keep them up!