The Echo

A man's drive home turns into his wildest nightmare.

            I had just dropped little Nell off at her friend’s birthday party. As I drove my hands slowly slid off the wheel and my eyes glazed over. When I came to I suddenly found myself in the driveway of a house I didn’t seem to remember. I stepped out of the car and went to door. Out of curiosity I turned the door handle and to my surprise found it unlocked.

            As I stepped into the house I couldn’t help getting this strange feeling that took residence in the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach. I had walked into a large foyer and to my left I spied a liquor cabinet. I went open and poured myself a tall bourbon. As I felt the alcohol slowly burn down my throat I began to recognize this place. It looked so familiar like something from a long-lost dream suddenly pulled back to life. Then I recognized the feeling I had gotten once I stepped into the house. It was a smell- faintly reminding of some cheap perfume. It smelled like the Clinique Happy perfume my wife always wore. Out of habit I turned and exclaimed “Hi Honey”. And to my surprise my wife’s face was staring back at me-only she wasn’t smiling.

            Her usually perfect blonde hair was a disheveled mess, her skin as pale as snow, and her eyes- containing a piercing stare that held some meaning that my slightly alcohol fuzzed brain couldn’t understand.  In my mind I thought that I had just been tired and forgot where I was for a while. But still I asked,

            “What’s wrong hon?”

            Her lips quivered trying desperately to form words but instead she raised a finger and pointed it at her throat where I saw a black collar with a blinking red light. My mind raced, what was that collar? Was I dreaming? If I wasn’t, where was I? Who had put the collar on her and why? Is there someone in the house? Is this some kind of sick game? After a moment of pondering I found myself confirming three things. One, I was no longer drunk. Two, I was in a house I didn’t know and I don’t remember how I got there. Three, this was definitely happening.

            This begged the question,  I put down my bourbon glass and said a single word barely above that of a whisper.

            “Who?”

            She shook her head, her eyes begging me to go away-to run. But I persisted asking “Who?” again.  She shook her head violently tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. I asked again. But this time something changed; her mouth opened and she began to move her tongue to form the words of the answer but she stopped. At that moment her eyes rolled back into her head and she began to convulse, her hands flying up to the collar where the red light began blinking violently and emitting a beeping noise.

            I ran over towards her, but the light kept blinking, faster and faster, and the beeping, just got louder and louder until I saw foam begin to creep its way out the corner of her mouth. She convulsed furiously and her tongue swayed to the corner of her mouth the same way she fell onto her knees. Yet still, she was choking-choking wasted breathe and energy trying to let out some form of a scream, some warning.  But all I heard was one final gurgling choke as she fell facedown towards the floor. Her body lay there convulsing for sometime until the blinking and the beeping on the collar stopped. I stood there next to her-my mind frozen. Why hadn’t I done anything? I thought. Why hadn’t I saved her, why did I let her die?. I knew that once the light had gone out so had her life, but still I reached down to feel her pulse. To feel for some lost hope, a whisper in the darkness.  But when I did a single word reached out across the dark empty room and stopped me cold.

            “Dick.”

            It was spoken softly, almost like a low moan but still it reverberated in the silence, matching the frantic beats of my heart. It sounded like it came from the stairwell, so I grabbed a fire-poker from the fireplace near the liquor cabinet and slowly went up the stairs. Wondering if I wasn’t chasing some ghost, or a figment of my own mind.  But just before my hand reached the rail-

            “Dick.”

            I spun around and stared at the doorway leading into the kitchen, and in the doorway clutching a steaming kettle was something worse than any figment of my imagination. It was my ex-wife.

            She had aged since I had last seen her, two years ago in court filing for divorce. When we married she seemed like the average woman with average dreams. When we had Nell it was the happiest time of our lives. But once she gave birth something changed it her. Perhaps it was postpartum depression perhaps something else. But she became needy and obsessive always wanting me to hug her, to hold her. She began getting out of control. For some reason, maybe it was for Nell’s sake, I didn’t see the signs, I denied it creating my own vision of reality. It wasn’t until I came home from work one day and found Nell out of her crib, her arms scratched and bruised and her nose bleeding, while she was passed out on the floor of our bedroom after tearing up the curtains that I saw reality.

            I called my lawyer that afternoon and filed for custody. I think hearing that truly sent her over the edge. Whatever sanity was left disappeared into manic rage, and depression. The judge ruled her unfit to stand trial on account of insanity and sent her to Riverdale mental clinic deep in the hills of Northern California where anti-depressants and sunshine would occupy her days.

            A memory fought to the surface. It was murky at first like the silhouette of a ship in the pale morning fog. Then my brain lit up-synapses connected to receptors sending chemical signals to my brain. I had heard something about Riverdale on the news, something about…. Then I had it. A California wildfire had burnt down most of the facility, but in the chaos and confusion some of the patients went unaccounted for. The news said most of the patients were docile and harmless. My humorous grin mocked their foolish assumption.

            She was wearing a black tightly knit V-neck sweater that strained over her bony frame. I noticed that within the V-neck was a tiny link chain and resting on it was her-our wedding rings.

            I stared at those rings for a moment reflecting on the choice they represented and how odd it was that they should together when neither belonged in the first place and then I said,

            “Jane.” My voice was cold and flat.

            She smiled at me like she did on our honeymoon and then laughed; a deep voracious laugh that echoed the depths of her insanity. She swung the kettle wildly around before saying,

            Hello Dear, how are you? Is little Nell home? I’d very much like to see her. I’ve missed her so.”

            That made my fingers slowly curl into a fist. I wanted to hit her right then and there but I suppressed the urge-that was just what she wanted.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…..

 

           

Author's Note

point out any grammar issues u see i didn't have time to edit much. i'll put up more if people like it.

Reviews

[Cassiopia Summers]

Wow, that was like a movie in my head lol. Well written, I did notice spelling errors, just simple ones, that I'm sure if you re-read your piece, with an analytical view you'll see them. Haha, I'd be able to help if I hadn't been drug so deep and fast into this crazy world of Dick. Wow, it was incredible, you can always tell a good read when you are succumbed to nothing but the story playing like a video in your head.

[Nancy S.]

I love the play out on this dark tale. I would echo Bard's advice about not mixing tenses, and maybe do a quick drive by on punctuation. I think I spotted a few places that might need a comma.
If it's a short story, then maybe expand the ending a bit to satisfy the readers curiosity. If it's going to continue, which is what I'm rooting for because it was interesting and pulled me into the story, then the ending of this part is great. I look forward to more.

[the-One-with-the-Darkne..]

VERY VERY good incredile extraordinary kept me on the edge very very good i didnt expect him to tel her he loved her how awesome! u r incredible!

[Scott Christian]

That, was an awesome story. Some grammatical issues were present (missing commas, typos, etc.), and I'll take some time tomorrow to review them. Other than that, this was a damn good read.

[the-One-with-the-Darkne..]

i like it i need to know wat happens next u have a very good flow with ur writing no stops or bumps good job

[Natalie]

Very intense story! I would really love to read more!

[Bard Constantine]

Interesting beginning. Hard to tell if it's a nightmare, or reality. A warning on either -if is is a dream, it will be hard to convince the audience that their time hasn't been wasted. There's a billion variations of the 'just kidding -it's just a dream!' story told, so that it's weary to endure more of the same. If it's reality... I'd say there had better be a good reason for the actions of the protagonist, especially at the beginning. I don't know too many people who'd wake up in a strange driveway, and actually get out the car and enter an equally strange house, not to mention pour themselves a drink. Just a few thoughts as a reader.

As far as grammar and such, I spied a few small errors I'll point out real quick:

"I went open and poured myself a tall bourbon." - I think you meant "I went 'over' and...

There may have been a couple more, but I couldn't find them when I went back. A few things to look for are any words ending in 'ing', and determine if they're truly necessary. When writing in past tense, it's best to keep all your words that way. 'ing' words indicate present tense, which jars the flow of the reading. Ex:

"At that moment her eyes rolled back into her head and she began to convulse, her hands flying up to the collar where the red light began blinking violently and emitting a beeping noise. "

This can be easily be modified to read this way:

"At that moment her eyes rolled back into her head and she wildly convulsed; her hands flew up to the collar where the red light blinked and beeped rapidly."

Notice I cut out any indication of present tense, as well as the phrase 'began to', which is another thing to avoid unless absolutely necessary. Just a few thoughts, I think you have a solid start. With a bit of editing, it can read even better. Keep it up.

[.]

this a unique but well written story-
a very well expressed write--intense-
i really enjoyed reading this story...

james:-)

[.]

I was left wanting more..that is always a good start, you kept the suspense and it was dark and sinister..well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it :)

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

This was an interesting story. I think this is good..Postpartum depression sucks...I feel bad for all the children whose mothers have it. Well thanks for sharing. :)