Letter to a mentor

This is my letter to my Uncle Dennis who died on October 14, 2007 four months after I graduated from high school, knowing what my last words to him were and the last time I saw him was.

Dear Uncle Dennis,

Hello! I know I haven't really talked to you let alone written you in a long while but I'm still hurting. I cry thinking about you and I cry even when I'm not thinking bout you. I miss you so much. You were my mentor that kept me going in life. I know we never really talked much unless it was with family around. To be honest I truly regret that and wish I had gotten to know you a lot more. I have many memories of you though of when I was actually able to see you. You used to always play with me and all of us kids when we were all younger. You would grab our hands and lay on the floor and then put your feet on our stomachs and just hold us up that way. You always had a smile on your face no matter what.  You made every effort to be at someone's graduation, wedding, or birthday we had for me-maw. I miss you lots. I wish I could see your face one more time and tell you I love you and give you a hug again. *sniffles and wipes eyes* You're one amazing person. You always had God's will at heart no matter what you were doing. Through your business and through your family. I know that everyone misses you a lot. I been talking to Aunt Karla a lot lately. We are going to meet up for lunch one day and just sit down and talk. I started slipping after you died. I started cutting, drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes and starting sleeping with every guy I dated except for one of them. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I changed when grandpa died and I changed when you died..I don't get why this happened to me let alone to our family. You weren't suppose to go damn it!!! You aren't here to see Peyton, Wesley, Jace and Aria. You're not going to be here when I get married let alone have my own kid. This is so stupid. You're suppose to be here not in heaven. I hate God for this. I was baptized and everything but yet I don't feel like he is actually here. I feel lost and confused At least the last long while it seems like that. I miss you lots and want you hear. I remember graduation and you driving up from Oregon just so you can go to my graduation. I remember saying "I love you thanks for coming see you in a few months for Mandee and Jose's wedding. Tell Aunt Beckie hello and I love her too." I remember those as the last words and now it doesn't seem bareable for you to be gone for 3 years and almost a month. I texted Sean one day and I was like "I miss Uncle Dennis." I can't do much about you being gone. I just have to accept it. We all are taking it hard but to be honest I have cried so much since you died. At least every month I cry. And I'm even crying right now which isn't even helping anything. I needed you and papa here but you guy's aren't. I don't understand it. I need my papa and my uncle. I slipped and fell and couldn't get up and now I'm still struggling to get back up. I need to be able to reach out for your hand and have you pick me back up. You're not able to do that. I'm hurting so much still and I don't know how to make that hurt go away. Aunt Beckie needs you, me-maw needs you, i need you, your kids need you and mostly your grandkids need you. I know you and grandpa are embracing one another right now but guess what??? I need you to embrace me. I need to feel your strong arms around me again. I love you Uncle Dennis and I'm never going to forget you. Whether my husband or fiancee likes it or not I'm naming our kid after you. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know if I'm ever going to find that right guy or whatever. I love you!! <333 Please don't forget me ever. 

Love your youngest niece,

Jerica Lynn Hoglund