Twinkie

                twinkie

 

We arrived at the bar at seven thirty; to kill time we decided to play some of the games there. As we walked through the front door down the main hallway, we noticed lined against both sides of the wall were arcade games.

After playing a few of the games, I had worked up a terrible thirst. As I was not twenty-one at the time I had to ask someone to help me quench my insatiable thirst, but whom? Do I ask the woman who had said the drinks were too high, or the self-proclaimed master criminal that somehow seemed to worm himself into being invited on this trip? I ended up asking the criminal for two reasons, one he was twenty-one, and two, he was a criminal and had no problems buying me beer.

The memories of the concert are a bit hazy, but it did seem to go by rather quickly. One minute we were singing “Redneck Girl”, the next, the criminal and I were getting into an altercation over a quarter one of us had dropped earlier. We chose this moment to accuse each other of taking it.

After nearly coming to blows over the quarter, my mom and a strange girl who I later recognized as the one we had brought with us, only more attractive somehow, managed to wrestle us both back into the car. By sheer coincidence, both I and the criminal, ended up in the back seat. The battle over the quarter came to a head while riding back to the hotel. After a few punches we began telling each other we were sorry, and that we each probably never dropped a quarter in the first place.

Once we got back to the hotel, I remember talking to a little man at the front desk and being hypnotized by his small stature. I asked him to walk and said he looked like a little baby, when he got mad, I said, “Baby get mad”. My friends thought it was time to bring me to the room, so we got on the elevator and headed for the seventh floor of the hotel. After a few misadventures on the fifth and sixth floor, we finally arrived on the seventh.

Upon entering the room I felt the sudden urge to relive myself of all the alcohol I had consumed earlier. As I had not done so all night, I felt that it would take hours for me to properly urinate. Since it would take hours, I felt it a grave injustice for me to use the bathroom in the room and take privileges away from everyone else.

Now shirtless, I began to proceed into the hallway until my mother convinced me to come back into the room. She said that no one needed to use the bathroom, and it would be fine for me to use it, and also that I needed to put on a shirt. At first I was stunned, hadn’t I just explained why I couldn’t use this bathroom? I told her once again that I was unable to use the facilities in this room. Upon leaving the room in search of a bathroom better equipped for my needs, I ran across what at the time seemed like a miracle.

The whole time at the bar I had forgotten to eat, so by this time I was famished and this seemed to be the answer to the growling in my stomach. I ran to take a closer look and upon further inspection it turned out to be a vending machine. To the untrained eye this may look like a simple unassuming machine that just so happens to dispense food, but to me this was the answer to my intoxicated prayers a simple sheet of glass was the only thing standing between me and my Twinkies.

I rushed back to the room we were in and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I told him the master criminal all about the vending machine, and that I noticed the door cracked open. That was all he needed to hear, he was gone in a flash rushing toward the machine in full sprint.

After having reflected on what I had just done I thought that this is where I will draw the line. I will not become a ‘borrower’ of objects that do not belong to me, no matter how good they may taste. That all changed when I say his face, the criminal had an expression on his face of only one that could be described as pure joy.

 When I looked at what was causing this such uncharacteristic emotion, I saw in his arms a cache of chips, and candy piled up so high that his very movement were sending some bags off the sides. I tried to stop him in the hall and tell him what a bad idea this was, but to no avail. He ran right past me and into the hotel room.

I remember feeling jealous of him at that time. Why did he get to be so happy? Shouldn’t I be the one smiling? After all it was my birthday.

I followed him back into the room, and went to his bed to ask him some questions about how he procured the items that were now strewn atop his bed. He said that the door to the machine was indeed open and that the shelves were still packed full of chips and that there was one Twinkie left. One Twinkie I asked him again? One Twinkle he responded.

 I then started to ask him what the security was like around the machine, were there invisible ninjas guarding the last Twinkie, just lying in wait for me to reach for the yellowy goodness to strike, and take my hand off with one blow from their nun-chucks, or at the very least a security camera.

When I asked about the camera his expression went from pure joy to uncontrollable rage. Apparently it was an insult on his honor as a criminal, for me to ask such an absurd question. So having taken his death star as a no to the camera question I casually walked out of the room and proceeded to sneak down the hall.

It turns out there was a camera in the room with the vending machine, and it caught the whole thing. I went down to the continental breakfast the next morning to have a waffle, which is where they showed the tape of us opening the machine and taking the chips.

We ended up going to jail and being charged with burglary of a coin operated device. After spending a night in jail, my mom bailed me and my friend out. That night in jail, when they served us our meal, I don’t know if it was because we were there or not, but with our peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there came with it a yellow colored desert. A freaking Twinkie.