What You're Missing

Everybody may think they now everything, but in reality, there is so much that people simply miss out on, and it can be really helpful.

Everybody is missing out on something which is the most useful thing in the world.

Everybody is missing out on something which they're not taught in school yet will help them achieve their biggest dreams.

Everybody is missing out on something which will help them recognize everything they need.

Everybody is missing out on something which will teach them about others beyond how much they ever needed to know.

Everybody is missing out on basic knowledge which every single person should have. The issue is, most people don't realize it exists, even though it's directly under their nose. Let me explain with two examples from my life, as it's not exactly something you can simply tell people about.

On November 18th of last year (2014), I broke up with my boyfriend after only 4 days. It was my first relationship, and he was my first for almost everything. He was my first relationship, first kiss, and most importantly, my first love. I never experienced true love until I was 15. Until then, I would expect that 80% of the people that I met would end up being stored as a person I viewed with animosity. People are awful. But this is a tangent.

Anyways, ever since then, I've felt like something was missing from me. Something that I needed back, something that needed to be restored in order to achieve myself. Now, this may sound cliche, but it's really not. Anyways, most people would see this and immediately think, "Well of course, you need him." But that's simply because they don't fully understand me or what I've gone through during those six months.

Now remember how I said that these things lie directly under everybody's nose? Well here's the thing, I figured all this out by looking at a simple website. I went online, and searched something I've heard of before. I just did a Google search on the 5 stages of grief and loss. Now, that specifically isn't what people are missing. What's really missing can only be described as a understanding of the human brain and the contradictions it makes. Otherwise, further explanation must really be created through example.

So anyways, I went through the stages of grief and loss and did a little analysis on what happened since November 18th.

The first stage is denial. Now, that stage for me lasted about a whole month. I had rehearsals for dance with him near the end of the school quarter after school. I would see him for about an hour and a half even though he broke up with me. But I was too afraid to talk to him, although, this wasn't exactly true. During the relationship, I didn't talk much either. My love for others isn't necessarily developed through talking, and that's part 2 of this story. Anyways, I would simply sit next to him, and listen to him talk to other people during the rehearsal. I wouldn't speak to him. But in the end, that time grew a sadness in my heart.

So at the end of one of the rehearsals, I surprisingly went up to him and kissed him, despite no longer being in a relationship. He, of course, thought it was awkward as it was a surprise. To me, however, it was a relief. To me, it was a pleasure. To me, it was denial. I, at the moment, had denied that we had actually ended our relationship. I did not want it to end, but it did. My brain rejected that fact and continued on as if we had never broken up. And it felt like something was missing when our usual cuddling and kissing didn't happen.

So I kissed him.

Stage two, however, is where the real deep part of part 1 of this story comes in. Stage 2, is anger. This stage normally comes in one of two forms; anger towards the other, or anger towards yourself. For me, I developed anger towards him.

This was a contradictory force to another force happening inside my brain, love.

They did battle on during that stage, and until the anger was fully eliminated, I wouldn't move on. What happened was that the anger continuously battled the love, until all the love was gone. The anger stage eliminated my love for him. However, the love was at least strong enough to completely rid of the anger as well.

Basically, the anger stage for me was a big reset button. I had reset my opinion of him, and no longer had any love or hate towards him. The massive issue in this, however, is that it was difficult to move out of. Because of the lack of actually talking to him, I could never re-develop feelings for him.

Anyways, the anger was gone, so I moved out of that stage. Now I'm in the 3rd stage, which is bargaining. It's a bit vague at first, but it's basically like making cause and effect ideas where you say, "If cause, happened, then would it be possible to effect?" Where the cause is something you do different within the relationship, either past or present, to change it to a more desirable outcome, aka the effect.

So during this stage, what was my effect? For most people in this case, it is the other person. However, I developed an analysis and at the moment, I didn't care about him. After all, I had no feelings for him. So what did I need to gain?

Fairly obviously, I needed to gain feelings for him. Whether positive or negative, I needed them. I was uncomfortable with the ending of the relationship because the second stage had made it so I could make no opinion of it. I couldn't determine if the relationship was a good thing or a bad thing. The good thing about this part, is that I have a massive influence on which way it goes. Unfortunately, I haven't moved out of this stage yet, so this story ends here. But as you can see, I have a far deeper understanding of my situation with him than most people do. Most people end a relationship and begin acting instinctual or emotionally, not thinking, and therefore being ineffective at their goals.

Meanwhile I have a good balance. I plan logically, and then act emotionally based of those plans. This way, I can get an effective outcome while still actually receiving maximum emotions.

Anyways, part two, which is sort of a continuation of the previous story, but really isn't because psychologically it's a different topic, just the same goal. However, I would simply like to point out that so far, the above analysis has been an analysis of 5 whole months. This next part will really be an analysis of something that will work forever, but only actually comes into play once.

So how was I going to get my feelings back? What would recreate my emotions that have been erased? Easy, I just have to find what I like romantically. So I heard of this thing called the 5 love languages before. It's the parts of love that people react to, and each person has a different reaction to each of them. They are touch (not necessarily sexual), quality time, gifts, words of affirmation (like simply thanking for something), and acts of service (just helping with chores). Anyways, some people are affected by each more than others. In most relationships, touch and gifts are more common, quality time is a middle ground, while words of affirmation or acts of service may be less common. To ones who will react to touch and gifts well, relationships will go quite well. To ones who don't react to touch and gifts as well, they might have a harder time with a relationship.

So I did a basic analysis of what love languages I like the most. In the end, it came out to 1. Quality Time (for me, however, quality is very loose. Just sitting next to you silently I will normally absolutely enjoy) 2. Touch 3. Acts of Service 4. Words of Affirmation 5. Gifts (I'm not very appreciative of gifts). So, in order to regain my feelings I should start with quality time. Unfortunately, that's already happened and not worked well. Remember the dance rehearsals? That didn't exactly create any sort of love, and that's BEFORE I lost it all. So of course, I would default to touch.

Now, he doesn't hate me or anything, and in fact he wants to remain friends. This means that luckily, I can casually sneak a hug from him every day and be fine. So, I am. Every day, I hug him. A short hug will be able to make me skip a beat, while a long one will be able to warm up my mind and body, make happiness in my soul; A hug is able to restore my love for him. So basically, in order to regain my love for him, I just get hugs from him casually every day. I'm not going to make any fully romantic approaches.

However, if I were going to, how would I do it? Well I already have a neat tool at my disposal. From what I've heard in our relationship, I would expect gifts to be at the top with quality time at second, and nothing else I can really rank yet. However, I only need those top two to be able to do anything. I remember him saying that if I were to every make a mistake in our relationship, that I would probably be forgiven if I simply got him some chocolate. Therefore, gifts is a powerful motivator for him, and is number one. Secondly, the reason he broke up with me in the first place was because we didn't talk much, which means that quality time must be significant as well, however not in the same way as me.

So as you can see, even though my first love AND first relationship lasted for 4 days before breaking up and completely destroyed me, I have this relationship more under control than normal people have generally friendly relationships. Unfortunately, that's all I have to say about that whole story, because I've already run out of things to talk about. So it's time for a new story.

Almost directly after our breakup, I met this one girl who's name was Destinee. Anyways, we had chats on facebook everyday, although we went to the same school, and were good friends. However, she was suffering from a genetic case of depression and genuinely thought she was a monster. Over the course of our conversations, I eventually decided that I had a new goal; I wanted to give her happiness, and I wanted to end her belief that she was a monster. This goal was mostly sprouted from the fact that I loved her.

So I, eventually, told her one day that I loved her. This made her mood very happy, and I felt that at least for the rest of that night that we talked, she was experiencing genuine happiness. This is why I found her next actions to be unbelievable.

Two days later, she had a sudden outburst, speaking of how she never wanted to speak to me again because she was afraid that someone like me would get hurt in her presence; she wanted me out of her life because she thought she was mentally unstable and that she would literally suddenly hit someone with a brick. The type of person I am, I would rather sacrifice my body in order to please my mind, heart, and soul, so I responded by saying things like, "If you suddenly hit me with a brick, then I would smile, even as I get taken to the hospital." Now, that's a bit weird, but even so, if you heard that, you would be genuinely happy, wouldn't you?

However, she kept suggesting that I should never speak to her again and just fully forget she existed. I kept resisting. Eventually, she made a promise to never speak to me again, that she would simply begin responding to me the way a stranger would, although never attempt to recreate a friendship. She was very intent on this, and I was very intent on telling her not to. Now, I found her actions extremely illogical, as I never even asked her for a romantic relationship or anything of the sort. I just wanted her to be genuinely happy.

Eventually, one day she made a group chat with another one of her friends and me to have one final conversation. Of course, her friend was harshly intent on supporting her and would attack me for anything I'd say, even screaming shut up and giving strong threats. Meanwhile, Destinee herself was simply repeating the same thing she was. However, her friend was effective. I felt mentally attacked, by the only thing I couldn't take. I literally said to her that I would never ask for anything romantic, that the only thing I'd ever ask for is for her to never stop being my friend. If she stopped being my friend, then I would break.

And that's what happened. With the combined issue of the rejection and the attacks and threats from her friend, I eventually snapped. I just broke and gave in. I couldn't deal with it anymore, despite how mentally and emotionally strong I am. I just broke. I was displeased with myself, and needed something to make myself realize that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I wanted to realize that perhaps there was a benefit to this end, a benefit to my newly granted inability to give her genuine happiness.

So I started doing my thing. I started looking for points where I could find a simply crack to try and split open in order to figure this out, just a simple sliver of light that would help me. Luckily, there was more than just a sliver.

I had entire logs of facebook chats to work with.

So I went through and I noticed something; she desperately was trying to genuinely protect me from the monster she genuinely thought she was. This was a brand new action from her, nothing she has done before, and I just knew it. Which means that she didn't have a normal feeling towards me; she didn't simply like me as a friend.

So I though that she possibly loved me and protected me for that reason.

However, there was one massive flaw in that argument; she loved other people and didn't take similar actions towards them. She had love and romantic desires for other people, but didn't have such harsh attempts to protect them like she did for me. I found a simple contradiction in order to determine the truth in the situation.

Now, if you have eyes, then you probably have realized how many times I've repeated the word genuine. This is because none of those times I said something was genuine was it ever genuine. She never genuinely thought she was a monster, she never genuinely wanted to protect me, and she was never gonna genuinely be happy from me;

Because she genuinely hated me.

If she doesn't like me, and she doesn't love me, there's only one possibility. She was so forcefully getting me out of her life because she hated me. No matter how many times I said it would only hurt me, she would continue on with force to, "protect me." She didn't care about me at all. She just wanted me out of her life.

Ever since I made that realization, I knew that she genuinely was a monster.

Anyways, time to conclude this. You've seen 3 examples of this hidden tool that nobody uses, despite how clearly useful it is. In each of these examples, the resources I used to make these were literally contained on the same thing I'm writing with right now. Yet, nobody uses them.

I would like to make something clear. Part 1 has so far not actually fully ended. I likely won't add on to it, but what I meant is we haven't seen a full outcome. However, so far I am fairly pleased with the direction it's headed. Same with Part 2. Part 3, however, is less clear. Basically, it turned my love for a girl into complete and powerful animosity; nobody I have ever hated more before. And now, that girl I absolutely hate is out of my life. In the end, I would say that's a very good ending. After all, the only alternative was having someone I loved being forcefully removed from my life. Which would you prefer?

So basically don't be so oblivious to things you see or hear about. After all, for me, it has probably made the difference between a suicidal teenager and a very happy teenager. If it can make that difference in my life, what difference can it make in yours?