Garden for the Homeless

This is a companion piece to Stokes Croft

 

Beside a derelict car park’s shuttered entrance
a man places a bottle to his lips.

He watches teenagers push

               biscuit-stained buggies,  
over sweet-wrapper pavements.

 

Unfilled windows overlook
the Kurdish Post Office and Somali Internet Café.

I stop and wonder -

who placed the turf on the car-park steps?

Who planted it with primroses

and shade of graffiti primulas

bright yellow, blue and red petals

blades of grass beneath these concrete walls?

Author's Note

I have revised this one quite a bit, trimmed it back and hopefully improved the structure ect while I hope not losing the sense of place. Love to know if people think I'm moving in the right direction.

Reviews

[Sel Whiteley]

I think that some of the images in this poem are stunning. It can be very hard to defamiliarise an urban environment. Through your words I am able to experience your sense of shock at finding a garden in such a place. I really feel like I know this place well.
However, I am confused by the movement. I took it that the homeless man was sat on the top step overlooking the goings-on of the street, that his shelter was in fact part of the car park. Yet, I would of liked to see him as a stronger focal point.
I also thought that at points some of your adjectives were a little predictable: �Glass bottle� for instance, and �multi-storey car park�. I also thought �ing�s� gave the poem a pace that wasn�t entirely suited to someone pausing to admire a tranquil garden in the middle of an urban sprawl. I might have put something like:


In a shelter beside the shuttered entrance
to a broken-floored car park,
a man places a bottle to his lips
watches Stokes Croft:
poster-bedecked buses promote Bristol Zoo,


One,
two,
three,
four,
five
steps down

the sweet-wrapper strewn pavement
teenagers push biscuit-stained buggies,
the Irish road maintenance team lean on their spades.

Unfilled windows overlook
the Kurdish Post Office and Somali Internet Caf�.

I stop -
wonder who placed the turf
on the car-park steps
a momentarily litter-free
garden for the homeless?

Who planted it with primroses
and shade of graffiti primulas
bright yellow, blue and red soft petals
and blades of grass
beneath concrete walls?

Of course, these are just my opinions for you to take or leave as you choose.

[Poeticpiers]

Astute observations well presented. Although free form is no my favourite kind of poetry I enjoyed your poem very much. Beauty is found everywhere a poet looks

[Sandra]

I was expecting it to say "five steps DOWN", the way you have them, but I'm not sure how to fix that.
The rest of the poem reads well, in my opinion. I can invision the scene in my mind by your wonderful description.
I'm not sure what "Stokes Croft" means (but that's my own fault. lol).
I've never been to Ireland, so thanks, for taking me somewhere I've never been.
It's amazing where beauty pops up at, isn't it?
Sorry I'm not more helpful. I enjoyed the read.
Nice work!

[Cdnsurfer]

Hey Vanessa, I loved the descriptive elements of this piece. The images brought me right into the scene, and made me wonder about two things: (1) who is ego? and (2) how was she effected by the experience? I think that tapping into those two elements would bring this out a bit stronger. It really needs to tell us the story of how ego came to be here, and how ego experienced this scene or was changed by it. Those are my suggestions. Images sharp and clear. Cheers! Rob