“Panic!” Manic! Book 1- Ch. 1

true events: panic attack

“Panic!” Manic! Book 1- Ch. 1

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7.22.21

Note: I needed to get these words out, words can be parasitic

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I’m having a panic attack,

and the faces around me are saying that I’ll never go back,

I try to do everything I can to burn down the bridges,

But I guess my knowledge isn’t that expansive, so I keep breathing,

In and out- deeply,

But what does that do,

What the f**k does that do?

I left the bedroom door wide open coz I forgot to close it,

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But I guess that’s ok

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They’re gonna tell me to keep going to therapy,

But I can’t coz I need my privacy and I can’t put my earbuds in anymore coz I have an ear blockage,

I’m trapped in the corner of my room and started thinking that I did this to myself,

I don’t ask for help,

I don’t talk to anybody,

I don’t have the curtains open anymore,

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I’m literally shaking, my brain can’t move, I’m mortified, no- petrified,

I keep remembering the time I was sexually assaulted by my cousin in 2012�"

And then again by a coworker in 2017…

I remember thinking it was my fault, like I had no choice coz my body was acting against me�"

And I couldn’t ask for help, my lips were stitched with reputation,

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I’m shaking, someone save me, but don’t touch me coz I can bite your head off, would you like me to demonstrate on your face-

I’m ok

I’m ok

I’m ok

I’m ok

I’m ok

I’m ok

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I’m not ok

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Things that I haven’t spoken about in a while are now showing up with a smile,

And it’s just a matter of time before it implodes against these walls that I’ve kept up,

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I can’t seem to relax, my body’s trembling, I don’t know how to react, my mind is telling me, “Keep calm, keep calm, everything’s gonna be alright”,

But I can’t seem to stop singing this poem in an emo pop melody�"hoping someone would hear me…

Can someone hear me-

Hear me, please�"

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This is a poem of my excretions- bodily fluids and mental liquids,

Come and drink me down to size; I’d rather live, but I don’t know why-