“I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder” - Khat

“I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder”

8.31.21

5.51pm

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Khat

Kit

Kelly

Ali

Cora

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Dissociative Identity Disorder, Diagnosed:

There are many states of consciousness that I’ve been in,

Alters; altered states of consciousness,

They have different names, I barely know the half of it,

‘’

I barely know the level of severity,

I barely know who I am most days,

‘’

I wake up, and it isn’t me and I’m afraid, no-,

…

It’s not possession,

Its altered states of consciousness,

‘’

I am so tired each and every day,

What the hell is wrong with me?

I just-,

Want to be normal…

‘’

I am not here anymore, situations arise, and I just don’t want to be present, and so I’m not, and so the others help cover my absences,

I think I’ve said this before, but I feel unimportant, a ghost, I’m really nothing special, but I type my poems like I’m playing the piano at a concert and everyone’s watching and I’m so happy and I’m so in the moment,

I feel so elated, so up there, so loud,

I lose myself in the words and I lose myself in the feelings, and the emotions, and I lose all sense of time and …

‘’

And then the poem ends, and I’m left so high to dry, and I can’t believe I could do that to myself,

How could I do that to myself?

‘’

Such and such and there’s no longer an “I”,

‘’

[Kit & Ali]

The “I” loses meaning when it isn’t Khat, when it isn’t her,

The others are afraid to use the “I/Me” pronouns,

They’re most afraid of not “living up to Khat”, which is ridiculous in its own way because we are all worthy, we are all valid,

Just because the host isn’t nearby, doesn’t mean that we, too, are worth fronting, we are so careful, we are so soft, when it comes to Khat or how we interact with others in the body,

It’s like… it’s not even eggshells that we tread upon,

Pure silk,

Cotton,

Anything and everything that encompasses the word ‘fragile’,

‘’

We are not as we were when it was just us and nobody else,

Suddenly our thoughts race to maximum velocity and we cannot see anything anymore, cannot hear, our rationality going back in for another dive, we feel a lot safer inside, away from prying eyes, where we don’t have to think, or breathe, or explain,

‘’

If we had someone there whose arms we can warmly go into in a cuddle, it would be really easy for us to cooperate,

But because that expectation is almost never on demand,

We continue to struggle to power through,