“Motormouth” - Khat

A Poem by FaeryQueen

“Motormouth”

9.5.21

5.27pm

I have no friends,

I complain a lot,

I’m “whiny”,

I’m more depressed than I thought I’d be,

I need someone to believe in me,

Yes, I have a partner, but without female companions of the same age range, one would rather not be a part of society than be ridiculed in it,

What does have healthy boundaries with your brown parents look like?

What does money mean, and how does one go about developing a relationship with it?

Is it normal to financially support your parents, if so, how much money is acceptable?

I just want to feel good enough,

My mom says its [why I’m paying her $500 every month] coz I don’t do my part in the home health nursing position [true], but my aunt and I previously had an altercation, and my sister says she remembers my mom asking me if I wanted to work as her personal aide, and that I said yes, no, I’m not complaining,

How could I forget?

-_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-

I’m in the nooks and crannies of a minivan, nobody can see me coz I’m a tiny slime mass, slithering along the upper scales of my new abode,

Are you there?

Am I alone?

If I had one word of solace, “hey, you!”,

An indication that someone has seen me,

Maybe I’d outgrow this tiny form and be as I were before the moment of speculation,

I lose my hold on the roof of the minivan and fall and flow into a coffee cup down someone’s throat,

Great, I think,

Someone else who doesn’t see me,

Irrelevantly, I explore the insides of this mouth,

God its dark, I think, but I’m careful not to complain, I observe the thought and let it pass, another scream pleas for help into the ether,

Don’t bother, I wanna yell back, nobody knows you’re here,

Is this really my fate, I think to myself?

Have I deluded myself into a dilute solution of sugar water?

I explore further, down the esophagus,

I slip and slide and stumble into the bottom,

Oh, look, I say on my way down, gravity hates my guts too,

Then I remind myself that gravity never forgets to pull me back down,

And down it did pull me,

Down,

Gravity is probably the only element that has ever seen me at my lowest,

It helped me get there,

I land with a plop on my backside,

Which, to say the least is unidentifiable in my current form,

Nevertheless, it still hurts,

Where am I?

Why am I here, I just want to be seen! Someone help me, I hear someone scream,

I sigh, a great mourning sigh and hang my head,

You’ll be fine, nobody can see us, nobody knows we exist,

It’s no use to yell, I add, just before I’m swept up in a huge storm of others that have been forgotten,

Suddenly, I’m surrounded by the voices that have accompanied me through this long, tenuous journey, “can you hear me? […] can you see me? […] have you seen me?”

Thousands of eyes dart around the darkness in hyper alarming movements, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone looking at them, therefore, validating their existence,

Still, nobody sees me,

“I see you!”,

I hear somebody say,

I turn around and stare into a mirror,

Regardless, “I see you too!”, I say, as we both grow in size, outgrowing our tiny, slimy forms,

Bigger and bigger,

As our body stretches in size, I start to wonder what’s to happen next,

I wish I could curl into a ball and be yeeted into oblivion,

I wish I could be nonexistent,

The more negative my thoughts are, the smaller I get, reversing my progress,

Think positive,

I GOT IT!

After a while, we all got out,

And my mirror asked me how I did it,

“Validating myself by saying that I’m worth seeing even though I couldn’t see anything was the first step”

© 2021 FaeryQueen

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Reviews

Paul Bell

Like your style, positivity is definitely a byword to failure.
Well, that's what the little voice told me when I was feeling positive, and he was feeling negative.
It really is a wonder we leave the house some days, but leave we do and the world still revolves around us.