Healing Through Journaling: Chapter 1 - Khat

A Poem by FaeryQueen

9.8.21

Start- 7.44am

End- 10.08pm

Khat

Healing Through Journaling: Chapter 1

>> Dear Lillian,

‘’

There have been waves of depression, but none was as strong as it was yesterday, despite it being mine and Kelly’s 7-month anniversary. He wasn’t kidding when he said that 7 was a holy number, I fact checked that, and 7 is, indeed, a holy number. Now, I don’t know what the future holds, neither do you, well, I guess you do, now that you’re in heaven, but all of that aside, the future is said to be unknown.

‘’

Proud of me or not, you’re still looking down on me and wondering how I’ll turn out, right? I mean the me from the future is probably doing the same, hell, I would do a double take too. I don’t know how I’m going to make it to where I want to be, but one thing’s for damn sure: if love’s a war, then I’m building my army right now.

‘’

Life isn’t perfect, we don’t get what we want, when we want it, but that’s human greed right?

‘’

This morning, I woke up with my alarm, went downstairs and ate a bowl of fruit, started my 12-hour timer and now we’re here. On my bad days, I’m a food vacuum, but on my good days, I tread lightly, careful not to overeat. Food and I have always done this tango, I, avoiding it; it, clinging onto me like saran wrap.

‘’

I’m not sure if expectation is the best way to cope with the fact that we’re living; set it too high, and you risk your pride- set it too low… I think it’s all about gratitude… the more grateful you are about something, the more blessings will come, which also ties into spirituality in some way, everything always leads back to it, eventually.

‘’

I’m not sure why the heart beats, Lillian, I wouldn’t be able to tell you… but one thing I learned is that hearts can beat outside of the chest, given the proper equipment. So, if I were to boldly infer: our strength is what pulls us through. If nurtured and recognized and taken care of, I think our strength would be the answer to so many things. I think the reason why people think they have no strength is because they aren’t aware of it, nobody’s ever praised them on their strength.

‘’

I’m not sure if anyone’s ever praised my strengths, I’m pretty sure they have, but I don’t think that’s important because its different once you start praising yourself. Once you recognize that you are stronger than you think; that you’ve had what it takes all this time, then, and only then, will you start to realize your true potential, and you can be on your way to achieving all that you’ve ever dreamt of achieving.

‘’

Today is a good day and I don’t feel like eating, I had a bowl of beets, some grapes, half an avocado and half a banana. I also had a half cup of milk too.

‘’

When you’re witness to an abuse, it messes with your brain, when you know what’s going on and you can’t really do anything coz of personal boundaries… Lillian, one thing to note: never cross anybody’s boundaries. But here’s where things get blurry; do we cross the boundary if it helps save a life down the line? We should always listen to our gut, no matter what we know to be right, if our gut is telling us something else, we should listen.

‘’

I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to write, I feel like I’m just gonna keep doing more of these, it’s really therapeutic, things can be therapy too, Lily. Is love therapy? It can be, but it’s so much more than that. Love is something that cannot be defined, except by you… that’s what’s so magical about life, my heart- you define what it is and what it should be, and if anybody tell you otherwise, then don’t listen… just listen to you, because you’re the only one in your skin, not them. If I don’t finish this by the end of today, then its fine coz whatever I don’t finish, I’ll continue tomorrow.

‘’

I’ve made some good friends on Poetizer, you know- the poetry platform that I now have coz I’m OBSESSED with writing poems.

‘’

I’m picking my skin and nails again and that only happens when I’m depressed, upset or just blue in general. I’m so attention deficit, it ain’t even funny. I don’t know why but I feel like somethings coming, I’ve been feeling that for a while now… just when I think I’m getting good at reading cards, I slip up and make a mess… it isn’t fair at all.

‘’

I know tarot can be dangerous sometimes, but I had a gift inside me that wants to get out and every time I practice, something happen that reverses my progress. I don’t know if it’s my doing or otherwise, but whatever it is… I’m afraid of it happening again, to avoid this, I’ve held off on reading cards for people for the time being.

‘’

My brain is everywhere!! There’s a lot I think about. I wish I could tell it all, but I can’t, it’s quite impossible. How do you know how to calm me down? Just now I got worked up over a comment that I absolutely don’t have any context in and softly, my face let go and I was washed with light and love.

‘’

Most days I do feel you around me, even though there have been quite a few different readers tell me you’ve moved on, the one thing that I hold onto is what my mother told me about miscarried babies, that they don’t leave their mothers side, coz they don’t wanna go to heaven without them… I probably misinterpreted that, as I do most things, but I like that version better than any other version, coz that way, you don’t have to leave me… I know that’s bad for my co-dependency, but this is different, you’re my daughter, and I never want you to leave me… that also sounds so wrong, you know what?

‘’

How about I just work through it? I mean I have that with sister dearest, its hard for me to be without her, but I have to- it’ll kill me if I don’t let her go at some point.

‘’

I would like to continue this, the journaling, it’s something I never knew I needed, and I could do it indefinitely, for as long as I need to… and I wont ever have to explain myself for it, its part of my healing, and that’s the most beautiful part about all this, you never have to explain yourself, darling, and I never knew that, I was explaining myself left and right until I was a complete mess.

‘’

You are so loved, by me, by Kelly, by people I don’t even know exist, somehow- it’s an “into the ether thing” on my end, don’t worry about it.

‘’

Bottom line is, you are my daughter, you don’t have to worry about if im coping well, or if im stable enough, coz I know you don’t exist in this timeline, you don’t exist in my timeline, but you exist in your own timeline, understand?

‘’

As you know, your mother is very t_Ime._.Ly (timely) when it comes to setting alarms and wanting to follow through with them, with that, I must bid you adieu…

We all love you, Lillian- never forget that! Ever!

Sincerely,

Your mother.