Healing Through Journaling: Chapter 2 - Khat

9.9.21

7.48am

9.10pm

Khat

Healing Through Journaling: Chapter 2

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Dearest Lillian,

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Good morning!

‘’

Biggest of mooches for you! I have therapy at 9am today, times are gonna be wonky for the next couple weeks of therapy, but all in all, I’ll still be having therapy nonetheless! I’m not sure that I can focus on anything else besides these chapters I’ve got going on here, but it’s only the second chapter, so we’ll see where it takes us. I feel very calm today, I made a playlist for my sister on Spotify, “underrated Fatema energy”, I was having a laugh. I’ve decided to timestamp these, coz as I was typing, I noticed it was one long seam, when it should’ve been stitches… all instances of the day, stitched together in a blanket… so that’s what I’ll do from here on out. I’m having ear pain on my right side today, before it was on my left, now it’s on my right. Sometimes when I think I’m not aware, I think of you and breakdown in the bathroom, but never in public, coz then I’d have to lie to my mom, since she’s usually the one asking what’s wrong, though, now, I probably wouldn’t lie, I’ve gotten really good at being honest with her, with is a blessing, in and of itself. When things get hard at first, then things soften, I credit that to you watching over me and looking out, so thank you to all the tiny things you got right. Grandma and I have been talking about what would happen in the event that she died, which reminds me- you’re with my grandmother now, how is that? I wonder if she’s holding you the way she held me when I was a child, I wonder if she’s telling you the same stories that she used to tell me… even now? Yes, yes- even now!

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How is she? The last of her sisters joined yall earlier this year, I believe- how are they all? Good and well, I assume? There are so many storms here, I fear its coz of my rage echoing into the ether that starts them, you know how I can be, Lillian- let me have my fun and play pretend. I would’ve been a great mother to you, baby! Sometimes, I wish that things would’ve gone differently, I can hear you now, “Momma, no!”, you have my mind already! You know the dangers of time travel, I do too. I think about time travel so often now, but without Kelly, I’m not sure what I’d do with my life, I credit my victories to him. It was bad before, baby, like really bad! I’m glad we found each other and are healing through each other, while doing our own things as well to keep our minds occupied.

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I think of your father sometimes, but we don’t talk about him, okay?

He chose to listen to his friends and leave us,

It was his choice, and you can say that I didn’t say anything to him, but that’s not true,

I tried to, my devices were taken, and I couldn’t, and when I could… my mind blanked and instead I told him how much I missed him and how much I couldn’t wait until this was all over,

I know how bad it hurts,

Believe me.

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I saw you in my belly, not in a scan, but I felt you. I knew you were there because my fingers felt something there that now isn’t there anymore, and my heart knows. The heart always knows. The heart has never failed to know. The soul has never failed to know. You are still a part of me, Lillian, I swear it- it was really hard when you left, but I guess you had to go. I keep your age, always- I don’t think I’ll ever forget. You’re almost 7 months. You grow as we grow. On February, I told Kelly it was gonna be a devastating month for us [me and the others in the system], but he chose to be in the eye of the storm as I mourned you, and as I mourned you, so did he, and for me that was the most special thing I ever experienced.

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Just now I made a playlist, “my baby girl”.

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My heart and my soul will never forget you because it’s known you for the time that its known you for. I know you’ll never forget me either.

‘’

[9.46am]

First timestamp of the day, I just came from therapy, and she says I’ve done a substantial amount of progress, which I agree with, writing these letters to you feel right.

‘’

[3.12pm]

Hello!

Lillian, how do I express the love I have for you right now? I love each and every one of my unborn, whether or not that means each and every egg, including those that die during our periods’. Ugh, I’m so distracted, I’m gonna watch “Merlin” now…

If I forget to end this, then. hmm, well�"today has been productive, I think for as long as I’ve lived, food has been a problem because I don’t have times to eat, now that I do, I think I’ll have a calmer relationship with food now.

Hmm, I think I’ve made peace with the fact that not everyone has to accept your reality, I’m happier knowing that. Thinking about you makes it harder, you are everything that I’ve always wanted, and I almost had it, but then I lost it, but it’s much different than that.

You’re a magical being now, Lily. I don’t know much about magic, but I’ll try my best to be your teacher, I know I’m not dead, but I’ll teach you what I know. For starters, don’t be scared, I’ve been to the astral plane a few times, it isn’t as bad, what I know is that Heaven is on the astral plane, and I believe this because it makes sense to me, however, nobody else has to believe this, that’s another thing about life, Lily- nobody has to believe what you believe, and you should tell others what to believe because that’s a violation of their boundary. I know that you have to be respectful and considerate towards others when it comes to their boundary because the most important thing is the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated, otherwise you won’t have any standards, and then you’ll let everyone and anyone walk over you… take care of the future kids for me, okay? I literally forgot I timestamped this at 3.12, and thought it was 11pm… huge facepalm, let’s watch some “Merlin” now!

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[5.46pm]

There are some things I wanted to discuss, I thought of it while watching “Merlin”. There’s this chain of thought going around regarding God and His existence. Of course, you’re familiar with “That Vegan Teacher” on YouTube, I’ve only watched a few videos of her by various people who she mentioned, but- she seems to want everyone to accept her narrative, and I think we can learn something from that. Whether something is or isn’t real, we shouldn’t press that onto someone else just because we believe it to be true in our hearts, that’s not what we do, Lily.

We don’t press our beliefs onto others. It isn’t nice, and I understand that having a utopian view on things isn’t at all healthy because of expectation and pride, remember what I said about those, baby? The important thing is to let people be people, and not butt in on their own personal beliefs, this ties in with boundaries, remember those? I forgot I had to help your grandfather, forgive me! Mothers anal about the scarf, some days I don’t feel well enough to leave it alone, and on those days, I forget myself and just wish to be left alone, but that never happens. I forget I post these, at this point, I need to, I’m tired of suffering alone, I need shoulders to lean on and cry on.

One thing you quickly learn in life, if you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to do it, I’m literally just starting to learn that, and I’m also coping with learning it late.

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7.42pm

So, again- heh- I got distracted, which makes me think of how distracted I’d be when me and Kelly have kids, I know, I know, “Mom, you’re going too fast, and that’s typically how these things sizzle out”, but I’m trying ok, look, see, I won’t talk about it anymore, progress, right?

Anyways, your aunts first day of high school is literally right around the corner, send her good vibes, yeah? Also, Merlin is really hot, right? OMG!

Kelly would be able to play Merlin with that cute British accent.

I love you with all of my heart, you know that I just�"I’m not gonna ever stop saying that… no matter how much time passes. I love you and I’ll continue to, always…

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9.09pm

Your aunts doing her art assignment. I ate half my dinner, I don’t really feel like eating, but I had to eat.

I’m gonna have to end this soon, I love you, over and over; I love you!

I miss your great Gran, s tomorrow I think we’ll talk to her, yeah?

Goodnight my love, my heart, my soul, goodnight and have sweet dreams tonight!

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With all my love,

Your mother.