THEN AND NOW

The contrast between a life of falsehood and one where love breathes in freedom.

There was a time when I did not know her,

for years

knew I was wrong to be with her,

as a man in shadows,

until ties shattered that bound me fast,

I ceased to be led by a lie,

faced who I was and am,

knew the joy of being myself.

Now there is a day,

when I meet you -  

the one who shows me

what I lacked in former ways -

a love - undemanding,

without condition,

as natural as the breath of life.

Reviews

[KarMarBar]

Love like this is rare! When we meet the "right" one, it's almost like all the wrong ones you spent days, maybe even months, crying over, make it all worth it because you have finally found someone who "shows [you] what you lack." Not to mention, you wrote this so beautifully as well. "Undemanding love without condition" was the one line that stood out to me the most because it something we all want and strive for. This is one of my favorites of yours... still getting to the stories :) Great job Bill! I am happy to have "met" you on here.

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and good thoughts in the poetry.
"a love - undemanding,
without condition,
as natural as the breath of life."
When we learn the value of love. Life becomes easily. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[viola]

I like your concept, and there is a good start, but it's a little awkward.

You switch between tenses a lot, which is confusing. Also you have a lot of "ing" verbs starting lines. Sometimes "ing" verbs can be very useful--they let you start a sentence, or continue a sentence with an action. But you've used so many, they've lost there power, and it feels like you never finish a thought. For example stanza 3 could read:

until ties shattered that bound me fast,
I ceased to be led by a lie,
faced who I was and am,
and knew the joy of being myself,

I'm sure you can write it much better, but it illustrates the point.
As I said, good concept, I just think it needs some tightening.

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

OK, Viola. I will have another look at this, and come up with another version, for you to look at. I appreciate and accept your points. Thanks.

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

What do you think of this new version?

[viola]

Wow, you work fast. This is so much better! The phrasing now lives up to the concept. Very nice. Final comment would be to consider a period at the end of the 2nd stanza, and then a capital "Now" at the beginning of the 3rd stanza. It just feels like a new thought. Bravo!

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

Done! As you can see. Thanks.