Lose Your Sight to Embrace the Night

When everyone just eats enough to barely stay alive, we pass out in the holes we've dug, to be filled tonight. Every lock on every door is bolted to the frame. We all go by numbers now, and can't remember our names. We treat each other horribly and forcibly make change. Then, paint our sins and blemishes to pretend we're not the same. We're a pack of wolves in turtlenecks, drooling, counting sheep. But, it's a bottomless pit, our lustful hunger. Satisfaction before sleep. So we pass out in the holes we've dug, to be filled by the end of the night. And, everyone just eats enough to barely stay alive. Resist! I will make a difference and you will pay attention. It's like you've evaporated right through the walls. I understand if you've watched me fight myself for far too long. But, an eye for an eye will leave the whole world stumbling blind. I won't ask you to be proud of me. I know you've never had a reason to be. And, if you must know I just care too much that we are the characters. We beg our troubles to be written away. But, our scripts are the past; and the past, we can't change.

Reviews

[Amanda Granger]

This is wonderfully and visually written. If I had any suggestion to make, it may be mere personal preference, but I would say you should try playing with the form, shaping the lines; since it's poetry, you have full range to explore altering how the words look on a page to send a certain message or create an effect. There is a lot of rhythm in this; playing with form could amplify that as well. I can imagine "Resist!" being on its own line; but if this is meant to be more like prose poetry, it works as well. Shaping the form could really make your words that more powerful, and they already contain quite a bit of power on their own.

All in all, very uplifting and powerfully written. I particularly love the end:
"And, if you must know I just care too much that we are the characters. We beg our troubles to be written away. But, our scripts are the past; and the past, we can't change."

Great work!

[kingculture]

Thank you for the review! I couldn't agree more about varying the rhythm of the lines. It being a song, I was forced to conform to the rhythm of the music. I'll post more free-form poetry that was not written to music, and, I hope you will feel inclined to review it as well. Very informative and helpful review. Thank you!

[Amanda Granger]

You're welcome! :) And just to elaborate, I could definitely feel the rhythm in this; it's really well done. I thought it might go with music, and that makes a lot of sense. I was talking more about aesthetic on the page/how it could read, but since it's meant to be heard, that really isn't all that important haha. I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work!