Doctor Faustus Retold

A new version of the worlds greatest play

                   

                            Doctor Faustus- Not by Christopher Marlowe

                            The Scene: A doctors office

   Satan- Excuse me, are you Dr. Faustus?

   Faustus- Well, just come right in- don't bother knocking, just let yourself in!

   Satan- Sorry, I'm sure your secretary would have told you about my 10:30 appointment; 

             but I seem to have accidentally set her on fire.

   Faustus (leaning out door)- Miss Brown, after you put yourself out you can have the rest of the day off.

   Miss Brown- AAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!! Oh, okay- thanks!  AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!

   Faustus- Now Mister Satan, I'm not a plastic surgeon so there's not much I can do about your cloven hooves

                or your tail.

   Satan- What's wrong with my tail?

   Faustus- Um, nothing.

   Satan- I need your help with "Pain management".

   Faustus- Why did you have to use quotation marks?

   Satan- Um, just forget it. I'm in a lot of pain you see.

   Faustus- I see, what kind of pain?

   Satan- Well, eternal really. I am literally tormented day and night for the rest of time.

   Faustus- But how is the pain presenting?

   Satan- You name it, fire and brimstone- lake of fire- the worm that dieth not- but mostly fire.

   Faustus- I'm not sure that medication can do much against that.

   Satan- Oh come on doc! you gotta give me something!

   Faustus- Have you been to any other doctors?

   Satan- Yes, but they wouldn't give me anything- so they all had "accidents".

   Faustus- there you go with the quotation marks again, but I'll give you the strongest thing I've got.

                 (hands him bottle)

   Satan (reading) Hmmnn, P.L.A.C.E.B.O., are you sure this is strong enough?

   Faustus- Oh, yeah! Don't take more than two per day.

                (Minion appears and whispers in Satans ear)

   Satan- Do you take me for a fool?!

               (Satan touches Faustus and sets him on fire)

   Faustus- AAAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

   Satan- Minions, assemble!

               ( A dozen more demons appear)

   Satan- Let's clean him out!!

   Minion- Let's see, Oxy- uppers- downers- nitrous, score!

   Satan- Party at my place!!

                           Scene Two: Hell

   Satan- Parteeeeee!! Whoooooo!!

   Damned soul- Um, could you spare a few Oxycontin for the rest of us?

   Satan- Hell no! Get back to gnashing your teeth!

   Damned soul- Um, okay- Gnash, Gnash!

   Satan- And I'm not hearing enough wailing in the back sections!

   Other souls-  WAIL, WAIL!!

   Satan- That's better!

Author's Note

This is my favorite play of all time (Marlowe's version, not mine).