The Cherry Orchard not by Anton Chekhov

An absurd retelling of a play I've never read.

           

                   The Cherry Orchard, not by Anton Chekhov

   Simon- That's a very nice cherry you have there.

   Varya- Thanks, my grandmother left it to me when she died.

   Simon- Really?, When did she pass?

   Varya- It was so sudden, we were celebrating her one hundred and twenty third birthday when a friend

              gave her one of Elvis Presley's old hankies. She was so happy that she did a back flip off the Sears

             Tower.

   Simon- Wow, that's a very interesting story.

   Varya- Thanks, I just made it up; she was actually trying to set a record for cross-country ballroom 

             dancing when she Tangoed into a wood chipper.

   Simon- Um, okay.

   Varya- She made a fortune of over three hundred million dollars by inventing the crash-test dummy;

             before that, cars were crash tested with Irish immigrant families inside. Car companies quickly

             found that the crash test dummies asked for much less in wages and rarely tried to form unions.

             She then doubled that money by selling short on hog futures. Apparently no one else knew that 

             hogs don't have futures.  Even with all that money all she left me was this stupid cherry!

   Simon- Really, why?

   Varya- Apparently she changed her will one day before she died, disinheriting her entire family 

             because she "Hated those damned Russians!".  She left six hundred million dollars to a foundation 

             that promised to teach hamsters to yodel.

   Simon- I wouldn't worry too much, a cherry like that could fetch as much as thirty thousand dollars.

   Varya- Really!?

   Simon- If the buyer was a truly gigantic idiot.

   Varya- DAMN!!

Author's Note

I've been trying to find out if we have to re-type story files already done or can files
(Microsoft word, etc) be uploaded here. I really don't want to re-type thousands of words all over again. Thanks.