A YEAR TO THE DAY

03 26 13

The fate of an appointment
ridiculed and resented
may curl up like a somersault
in my conscience
on the day I enter the prescription
scented cradle of your exit
a year before

My Hippocrene vigil of two weeks
halted on day fifteen by my mother
insistent on a sleep in my own sheets

You were halted by the cancer
on night fifteen

Did you know somehow
behind the long-glazed-over eyes
I was sent home?

You who so openly expressed
your concern for the frailty
of my emotions
on so many days of living
when we all took our senses for granted

The fate of an appointment
with a whirr-lunged machine
introducing itself through an emissary
with a shot of dye
for my vein
to illuminate the eggshell
castle of my brain

A shot of dye
on a year to the day

The fate of an appointment
hated on sight
may paint the conscience
of your expiration
with a kind of consolation

The consolation like a silver medal
in the sour valley of an athlete's defeated chest?

I was borne into the world
of a goaltender
I would come to populate
the same world
and go on to caretake it
one year ago to the day

That kind of consolation?
Or the kind of consolation that hugs
a casualty of a living lost?

We never did train ourselves
adequately in the anti-wrestle of embrace

You were that kind of father
I was that kind of son
It was that kind of love

It fed a kind of context
to the frayed moisture-abandoned
fingertips I took into my own
when my mother saw me back
and left the room to me
for a moment with the final
proof of your presence

That was when I found a whim
in your frozen look

We never really close our eyes
do we

Sight fuels awareness
and darkness siphons all it can
leaving speculation
to hang in our doorless halls of perception

And in the dark bides sleep
the tenacious bio-colonist
courting open eyes
like crown jewels on display
making off with sight
as we grapple with its army of dreams
and their propaganda logic

And sight
emerges from the night field
wary and mistrustful
of the body

But as the masses of the past
were not to question the divine
we are not to question
the biological

We rally for our sight
and are moral victors in the end
on our deathbeds
with our open eyes
marbleized

Only for
an emissary's meddling fingers
to shut them down
leaving us in the dark
colonized
once and for all

I rested my left temple
on your silent chest
and superimposed my adulthood
into tales non-retainable in infancy
when my cranially-modest head
slumbered in your arms
as my grandparents' rocking chair
swayed us through the hockey game

Author's Note

Hippocrene: mythical Greek fountain held sacred by the Muses.

It is said that shepherds who drink of Hippocrene often find themselves babbling verse, abandon their flocks to the wolves, and wander off, talking to themselves in rhyme and hoping that someone will overhear.
-Encyclopedia of Greek Mythology

Reviews

[Angi]

You were there for two weeks with him and then sent home to sleep. You missed his passing, Steve! Then there was some sort of appointment that you hated to keep. You had to, though. This is tied to the date of your dad's going. I hear the hockey game playing in the background through all of this. Sad, sad. Angi~

[kublakhan27]

Yes, I did miss it, but when I expressed my sadness over that, Mom and a couple of his friends seemed pretty convinced that he wanted it that way...I'm the most emotional person in my family going all the way back to cousins, and I do take some measure of comfort in the fact that he may have had me in mind when he was ready to go...I feel kind of self-centered in feeling that way too but like I said, they think his mind was made up about it so I take their word for it.

I had an appointment with a therapist on the first anniversary, in the same hospital...I hated the timing of that at first, but again, my mother told I should consider it from the opposite angle, and I felt a little better after that...but hockey has never been the same, no doubt about that, and there will always be sadness involved, but I've gotten a great deal of support from family and friends...needless to say, you are one of those friends that make my mind as ease...thank you Angi :)

[Angi]

Sounds to me like your dad knew that this would be the best way to go. Of course he had you in mind, Steve. You were his boy! I think your momma is one smart cookie. Family rituals (hockey for you all) are hard things to partake in when someone has had to leave. Things just aren't the same. Sending you good vibes, mister! Angi~

[kublakhan27]

Yes, I have a younger brother as well though he's somewhat of a problem child...by all accounts, I was his boy even though I was the oldest ;P I don't know what I'd do without Mom...we still do some of that stuff, hockey included (as well as racing, which he also liked) even though she's not so much into that haha But we both find comfort in it...thank you Angi, good vibes to you as well ;)

[Margarette]

This is a very heartful poem full of longing to experience that happy moments and sorrow of leaving the side of your most beloved one.I truly know the pain of going through this one and you have written such pure and unyielding dedication to that time when you have this experience. I love this piece. It really encompasses the will of a human being against rough times. Thanks for sharing!

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Margarette :) Even though I'm writing about my own personal experiences, I know it is something we all must go through at some point in our lives and I hoped to make this piece as universal as possible...thank you again for reading and understanding, it means a great deal :)

[Rhianne Ney]

I rested my left temple
on your silent chest
and superimposed my adulthood
into tales non-retainable in infancy
when my cranially-modest head
slumbered in your arms
as my grandparents' rocking chair
swayed us through the hockey game

~ these, I think are the soul of your poem, they are great and well written for what purpose it should serve, thanks for writing this

[kublakhan27]

You called it perfectly...thank you for reading and complimenting :)

[Rhianne Ney]

You're welcome (: thanks for reading my works also

[kublakhan27]

Always a pleasure :)

[Rhianne Ney]

(:

[KeelyJane]

I felt this one in my bones. I find no flaws in a piece of poetry that brings literal feeling. Great read!

[kublakhan27]

Thank you for the kind words Keely, they mean a lot :)

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

I think/hope it's enough that we acknowledge your humanity; you certainly have here. The words can help but perhaps it is what remains unwritten, unspoken, intimated that transcends.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend...there are certain events and feelings that even poetry can't truly describe, but this was the closest I could come to capturing them...your simple acknowledgement of the sentiments within is more than enough to bring a smile to my face :)

[quinfinn]

mmm...i really struggle to not feel this one too deeply as i try to force the right words out of my fingertips, because my heart tells me to write other things. but, mono y mono...dude, i have been there. it is not easy to kiss goodbye the limp, lifeless bodies of your loved ones that final kiss..no matter how resolved you were for the process beforehand...i said farewell to both my mother and my father like this all within 14 months. cancer is an insidious and ugly beast....this write made my eyes leak and my heart swell...even in your coffee house language it hit home like a brick wall falling into my lap.

[kublakhan27]

My friend, I am equally tongue-tied in trying to find the words to articulate my sympathy for your losses, and my gratitude for the sympathy you have sent my way in return...my father is the latest in a long line of relatives who have succumbed to the beast that is cancer...all my grandparents suffered the same fate, not to mention a couple of uncles along the way...I try to cling to the positives as much as I can...he did fight it off seven years ago and the happiest years of his life followed, only to be interrupted once and for all last year...I am thankful that he did not suffer long...but no, there is nothing to truly compensate for the loss(es) that came far too early, particularly in Dad's case, as he was healthier than the others, but good health still wasn't enough...I can't thank you enough for the support and your willingness to open up to me about your ordeals...I wish you all the best.

[quinfinn]

always and ever.....your huckleberry.

[kublakhan27]

:)

[Todd Mc' Callough]

There are some great lines in this one although I found it somewhat hard to get into the flow of the words at first. The way you described this;
with a shot of dye
for my vein
to illuminate the eggshell
castle of my brain

is dripping with description.

[Frieda P]

I'm finding it extremely hard to write anything near a review for this one...I feel your pain, I've lived within your words, so I know how much this one means to you, and how deeply affecting it is. You have my warmest thoughts and my heart at this time, and always. Very touching, you own my tears Steve. xo

[kublakhan27]

What can I say, dear friend? We are united in the burden of untimely losses, but even more united in support and sympathy...I wish I had more to say, but all I can muster right now is a thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, your friendship, and inspiration...you know I'm never far away when you need an understanding ear...thank you Frieda :) xo