Depression and Nathan

When you’re depressed, truly depressed, it’s not a mood or an emotion. It’s a state of mind, and leaving it is almost impossible. Every morning I wake up from a nightmare or from a restless night’s sleep, and I think to myself, how easy it would be to just end it right here and now. I wouldn’t have to go to school. I wouldn’t have to deal with my family. How easy it would all be, and yet, I don’t do it. I don’t do it because I know I don’t want to die for if I did I would’ve done it years ago. No, I just want to be saved, but it seems the skies are too gray for my savior to find me.

Here it was, another Monday, another school day. I sat up in my bed after having just silenced my alarm. I sat in my bed for a moment to allow my eyes to adjust to the light in my room. It was six in the morning, and I had awoken from a terrible nightmare, but when you’re life’s a nightmare too, then which one is worse? I wore the same color I wore everyday, the stereotypical black. I didn’t wear it to be a stereotype, I wore it because it made me look skinnier, and that was the only way I could feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror. Now, don’t misunderstand, to some extent I know I’m not fat, not even a little overweight. To some other extent, I feel like I’ll never be skinny enough. I once again decide to skip breakfast.

I walked downstairs with rain clouds over my heart. Maybe on my way to school, a car will hit my car on my side, and then I’ll end up dead or in the hospital. Either one works. I play out the scene in my head. The impact. The ambulance. “Becca!? Becca! Stay with us,” The numbness of the shock. How I longed for it all in a weird, twisted way. I looked to my right at the dining room table where my father sat waiting to take me to school.

“Really, Becca? All black again. Why don’t you wear some color sometime?” He asked me in a tone that wasn’t supposed to be rude, but it came off that way.

“I just like black…” I answered with my usual reply as I grabbed my overly heavy backpack and trudged outside into the cold air towards our little Honda Civic.

I put my bag down by my feet as I slid into the passenger’s seat. My dad entered the driver’s side, and he started up the car. He was a pop music fan so we listened to his music through the five minute drive around the block to my school. I hated and loved the short drive. Short enough to not have to worry about being late, but long enough a ride for me to be with my dad listening to his awful radio stations. As we pulled up to my school I had a realization, I didn’t feel happy at school, but I definitely didn’t feel happy at home. No matter where I went, I couldn’t find my “silver lining” as they call it.

I picked up my bag as I got out of the car and mumbled a small goodbye to my father. I could hear him drive off behind me as I walked towards my school. I sighed to myself as I walked in. I didn’t have the energy for anything anymore, but definitely not for this. I walked in and took a seat with some of my friends in the outside courtyard.

“Hey, Becca, cold outside today, isn’t it?” Kevin asked.

“It’s always cold to me,” I said putting on a smile, “It could be damn near a hundred outside, and that might not even be enough,”

“You’ve always been cold-blooded, I swear,” Stephanie laughed.

“That’s probably true,” I laughed along with them, momentarily forgetting my pain.

“I’ve got this chem test, and I just know I’m going to fail it,” Lacy sighed.

“That’s your first period, right? Good luck with that,” Kevin chuckled.

The first bell rang, and the rest of the day was a blur to me. I sat in Psych listening to a lecture. Suddenly, I blinked as I entered Math and received a worksheet that I finished before the bell. I pushed myself to walk across the hall to Science where I found myself taking a test with which I finished before most of my class. Somehow I made it to Health, the class which was basically all review from eighth grade. I seemed to float into English to find a substitute who announced a free day. I don’t know how I made it to lunch with all of my friends or even orchestra following that. My cello and I were strangers today, and we had been for awhile.

The clock mocked me throughout Japanese and History as it knew how much I was in a rush to get home. I swear, I could turn to the clock half an hour after I glanced at it the first time, and it will not have moved a single second. This was always the torture I endured come the last hours of the school day. However, eventually, I had waited it out long enough for the final bell to ring. I hauled myself out of my chair with my bag to begin the walk home.

Both of my parents worked in the evening so I had to walk home which was only a fifteen minute walk, and I came home to an empty house which I could never complain about. I walked out of my school as I always have: earbuds in, metal music blasting, and one shoulder strap slung around my right shoulder as the other one hung loosely. I let my long auburn hair hang down as I slowly made my way through the parking lot, down the street, across the intersection, and continue following the road to my community’s gate. There was a big gate with the initials JC on them, which I’m sure stood for the community’s name that I never bothered to remember, and then there was a small gate off to the side with a four digit password to it that was only given to the individuals that lived inside.

I had just made my way to the big gate when I noticed someone standing at the small one. He was interesting enough with his longish brown  hair, dark green plain shirt, blue skinny jeans, and holding his phone which was playing bubblegum pop just as my father liked. I knew he was a preppy kid just by looking at him. I walked over to the small gate, and I took out one of my earbuds. As I approached, he turned to me.

“Hey, you live here right?” He asked with a voice smoother than I could’ve imagined.

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“I just moved here…” He stopped to look embarrassed, “And I forgot the code to this gate…”

“Let me show you,” I said walking over to the gate, “The code is 7-2-9-4”

“Alright, got it,” He said as I pushed the gate open, “Thank you,”

“No problem,” I said with my back turned to him as I headed down the sidewalk to my left towards my house.

I made it to my lawn when I stopped myself. I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I was just so unhappy. I was so done. For a moment my mind flashed to a different universe. A universe in which I fell to my knees with despair, and I cried on my front steps. However, I simply walked up to my steps, and I walked inside without any tears. The despair was real, though. It was all too real. I kicked off my shoes by the front door. I walked into the kitchen to cut up some fruit. Strawberries were always helpful to me or so I’ve found. I allowed myself to enjoy the quiet downstairs, but I could feel the wariness seeping over me.

It wasn’t long before I walked upstairs, and I set my bag down inside my room. No homework today only free time. I did the only thing I could bring myself to do these days which included getting into bed and letting sleep find me for at least these three hour naps that I took after school could take me away from it all for awhile. I had no dreams, and when I finally woke, I was just as tired as if I had never even slept at all.

I could hear my parents talking downstairs, and I remembered where I was. Sometimes it was easy for me to forget. Sometimes that was all I wanted. I decided I would take a walk. Our dog, Jake, always liked to walk at nights. What a coincidence? So did I. The neighborhood was safe since it was gated, and in Sin City, the lights never go out so darkness isn’t really even fathomable.

I always took Jake on walks right before dinner so my parents would just call me when food was ready. They never said anything about the walks because they were just happy that I was getting out of the house even if it was a fifteen minute walk down to the dog park in our neighborhood. I grabbed the leash from its hanger, and I put it on Jake.

“Mom, Dad, I’m taking my walk,” I called from the front door.

“Alright, honey. Dinner is in twenty,” My father called back.

“Make sure you wear a jacket!” My mother added as she was always worrying over me,

I closed the front door behind me, and I started down my steps. Jake happily followed me wherever I went. I looked up at the sky to find it vacant of all stars, they were not visible from behind the city lights. On a good night, maybe I could see twelve.... satellites, that is. As I walked, I let my thoughts roam, and I hated doing this. They always got so dark, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. In my mind, I was lying dead in a casket with my friends all saying their eulogies. The rain would never end.

I snapped myself back to reality in which I found myself walking along the sidewalk with Jake still at my side. I was thankful and upset to not be dead at this moment. I felt isolated. No one could help me. The few smiles I worked up and minimal laughs could not outweigh the pain in my soul. I didn’t know what would save me from this. I didn’t know what I could do. I have gotten so used to these feelings that I had begun to question whether they were normal for everyone else too. Am I just sick? The mind shouldn’t act like this.

Fast forward to tomorrow. I’m walking home once again with my earbuds in as usual. Another weird heat wave in the middle of winter. Thanks, Vegas. I walked down the street almost wishing a car would just hit me now. I dared them. Begged for it sometimes. I pulled out my earbuds and returned them to my pocket. I allowed myself the moment to enjoy the feeling of warmth on my skin. I always felt so cold on the inside and out that I welcomed warmth whenever it was given. I loved to feel it warm my skin, and in that moment I felt a little bit more alive.

I looked over at the small gate to my community once more to find that same boy there again today. However, he was leaning his back against it now. I approached, and just like yesterday, he looked up from his phone to see me.

“Hey…” He said when I reached the gate.

“Don’t tell me you forgot the code?” I gave a small laugh.

“Yeah, let’s just not talk about it,” He blushed.

“7-2-9-4” I told him with a small smile.

“Thank you again,” He said.

“No problem,” I replied simply as I turned to walk home.

“What’s your name by the way?” He called after me.

“What?” I called back as I turned to face him.

“What’s your name?” He asked again.

“Becca,” I answered, “What about you?”

“Nathan,” Nathan answered.

“Awesome,” I said awkwardly.

“Well… I guess I’ll see you around, Becca,” Nathan replied waving.

“Yeah,” I waved back, “See ya,”

I laughed to myself. I was surprised he had been there two days in a row. I knew, however, he probably wouldn’t be there tomorrow since he should remember the gate code by now. It was still cool to meet him. Nathan. That’s a pretty cool name too. He’d never want to actually associate with me though. I’m just some girl who can’t even find the strength to drag herself out of this depression. I’m sure that after a while I would just be an annoyance. Preppy kids would never actually be friends with the “emos”. Sad but true.

I managed to bring myself home once again to go through the motions. Eat fruit, go to sleep, wake up, walk Jake, go home, eat dinner, fall asleep, wake up, go to school. It was the same old thing. Now, today was Wednesday. I had tests in half of my classes pretty much, and the only real break I got was lunch in the middle of the day. I sat down with my friends.

“You’re not having lunch?” Kevin asked as he sat down with his tray.

“No, I’m never really hungry around this time,” I say as I feel my stomach hurting from hunger, but I quickly remind myself that I’ll be skinnier if I just don’t eat, and maybe then I’ll be happy.

“Well, that’s a surprise since you’re all skin and bones,” Kevin joked.

“Yeah, yeah,” I rolled my eyes playfully and shrugged it off.

“Remember that chem test that I thought I would fail?” Lacy asked me from across the table.

“Yeah, that’s right, how did that go?” I replied.

“I aced it,” She smiled back at me.

“That’s great,” I returned her smile.

“I definitely failed my math test,” Damion said.

“Did you get it back yet?” Stephanie asked.

“Nah, I just know,” Damion replied.

“You never know, just wait it out. Watch you get a perfect score,” I laughed.

“Whatever crack you’re on, you better be sharing,” He joked.

This was the only happiness I had all day, and once again, the bell ended it. I had developed a love/hate relationship with that bell as it started school and ended it as well. In the mornings, it may as well be a death sentence, but in the afternoons, it was my saving grace. The rest of my school day faded into a big heap of blurred faces and blurred events. My heart longed for something more than this. I started my walk home once again. Another warm day in which I could enjoy the heat. I slowly walked home as if I could prevent my arrival by simply taking too much time to walk home. I eventually gave up on my theory and returned to normal walking pace.

I walked across the crosswalk feeling as though the drivers stopped at the light were watching me. What would they be thinking about me? I reminded myself that they probably didn’t even notice me, and I was just overthinking it. I took a deep breath, and I told myself that I would be home soon. Then I could nap. I yawned as I turned the corner to find myself at the small gate. I was surprised to find Nathan leaning against the gate once again with his pop music playing through the speakers and his face dipped to his phone. I walked over to him as usual.

“You forgot again?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Nathan replied looking over to me as I entered the code, “My memory is just awful,”

“No problem,” I said with a small smile, “I’m usually here,”

“Thanks for that,” He smiled,

“No worries,” I said opening the gate for him.

“Before you go,” He started before I could turn towards my street,

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Do you go to Silverado?” Nathan replied.

“Yeah, I’m a junior,” I answered.

“I thought so,” He responded.

“You go there too, don’t you?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m a senior this year,” He noted.

“Just waiting for graduation then?” I laughed.

“Aren’t we all,” He joked back.

“True,” I nodded.

“So… I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked.

“Depends on if you remember the code,” I replied.

“7-3-9-4” He said proudly.

“7-2-9-4” I corrected.

“Damn it,” He playfully frowned.

“You’ll get there,” I said and with that I turned to head home.

When I made it home, I looked in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I lifted up my shirt to look at my stomach. I felt so fat. No one would want to look at this body. No one will ever find me attractive so I should just stop trying. I should just give up. I let my shirt fall back down. I walked into my room. I felt sick of being tired all of the time. I lie in my bed thinking of how I wished I looked different. I begged sleep to overtake me. Just let me sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake… No, I won’t. Let’s pretend though.