Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[pumpkin head]

love the last stanza, Wonderful deep read.

[Extant]

I did enjoy, I did. Your poems are so refined, you write things that are wise . . . without sounding condescending.

"phantoms of embracing arms linger . . ."
The thought of your lover themself is killing you.

[demureminds]

My favorite part:
"Phantoms of embracing arms linger as
haunting memories of departed bliss."
Wow, very vivid description and striking metaphor. Great piece overall as well!

[Owlgirl]

Wow. . . that was great! Dark, shady, and with that off beat in the background. Perfect. I love the last line, it totally makes it all!

[kayla]

Wow. This is great. I loved it(:

[xxxrawr_friendxxx]

= Exactly how I feel for someone. Well done.

[Legolas]

Great job! There is a story to be told and you did a great job of telling it.

[Michael G.]

There is a good flow to this poem, Ryan.
Your content is excellent, and you kept your storyline throughout.
Many poems don't come out as expected, when the writer gives free rein to his imagination. In a sense, that's a good thing.
Good poem.