Betrayal

Betrayal

A Poem by Tai Ryens

Should painful weeps escape me

As I recognize the figure behind the gun?

Whose expression is as betraying

As the deceased star within our sun?

 

You, my love, have left

Scarlet footprints across my stomach;

Then tossed me out of your heart,

Watching as I plummeted.

 

You cleared my rainy skies,

Only to leave me with hail;

I gave you everything, only to be

Left not a soul, but a shell.

© 2012 Tai Ryens


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Very emotional poem that portrays your feelings well. I am very sorry if this is a true story. Very well written.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Second stanza; "Scarlet footprints across my stomach". Oh, I got so excited after reading that line, and that whole stanza. You just made my day, it is so beautiful; the constant underlying sadness that is paved over with good memories, "You cleared my rainy skies". Ryan, I applaud you, it is always a joy to read your rhymes.

Posted 9 Years Ago


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Very well done my friend. While the rhyming is a little different in this than what I'm used to seeing from you it isn't a bad thing at all! Great work!

Posted 9 Years Ago


Very good rhyme and flow. A beautiful peace

Posted 9 Years Ago


"Should painful weeps escape me
As I recognize the figure behind the gun?
Whose expression is as betraying
As the deceased star within our sun?"

I adore that stanzas. The rhyme scheme is best there. As I read the poem further, I notice that the rhyme scheme isn't as good. Might I suggest sharper rhymes? Other than that, you're vocabulary is incredible. Beautiful work, Ryan.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Tai Ryens

9 Years Ago

Hm, thanks for your input but I personally enjoy the rhyme scheme here. The way I say it makes it r.. read more
"I gave you everything, only to be
Left not a soul, but a shell"

I love those lines.

This is such a beautiful poem. I love it because it skips past the cliche that most other poems of this nature have. Well done!


Posted 9 Years Ago


Very impacting piece. A great portrayal of betrayal that paints an excellent picture.

Posted 9 Years Ago


i loved the rhyme scheme and the flow. the poem was very powerful and i loved the last line. great job!!!! :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is great. The rhyme scheme is well thought out. I enjoyed reading it(:

Posted 9 Years Ago



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Added on July 25, 2012
Last Updated on July 25, 2012

Author

Tai Ryens
Tai Ryens

Bay Area, CA



About
I must start that I am not as active as I should be on this site, though I do tend to drop by every now and then and review what I can from friends and those whose works I enjoy. Currently, I am dippi.. more..

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