Insomnia

My Sister wrote this and wanted me to post it on my profile for her because it is the first poem she has ever written.

Laying in bed

watching the clock

i feel empty and dead

the silence is locked

 

unable to sleep

as time ticks away

not sure what to think

not sure what to say

 

My thougts start to wander

so peaceful and kind

yet I still can't sleep

i'm gone, body and mind

 

I lay awake, all alone

No lights no sound

Myself, going crazy

my thoughts spinning round.

Reviews

[Rachel U.]

Wtf. I hate WC, it deleted my first post. Hence, this one will be a little shorter.

The rhyming is forced. Buy yourself a rhyming dictionary to help you make a more fluid rhyming scheme that makes more sense. The meter isn't too terrible, although the second and third stanzas had lines that were simply too long.
*thoughts
What's really irritating me here is probably the topic choice. Insomnia is a very overhyped subject (I know, I've written about it). To stand out from the crowd, a piece about insomnia really has to be spectacular. Keep writing, not bad for a first try.

*No rating - poet not attached to profile

[Buddhistboy73]

Hey, great write, capturing the torture of laying awake at night all alone, and with the demons of our mind unable to sleep...
You use the words wisely here, and I can definitely empathise with this..
look forward to reading more of your thoughts..:)

[Tate Morgan]

I like it the first stanza uses a singular word to end the 2nd line a plural for the complimenting rhyme in the 4th Think I would change that

[Mistaken]

This is wonderful...I haven't had insomia but this sure makes me feel as if I had. the imagery and flow is amazing. just to let you know you forgot the "h" on thoughts.

My favorite stanza is the first one because that holds major description and memories to me :D

[An owl on the moon]

Through the lines are glimpes of thought that capture so well the drifting mind of one caught up in sleeplessness... The world spinning around. Very well done!

[~ Otto Girl ~]

you have sure spelled wrong when you say not sure what to think but this poem is really good

[Angelwithabeard]

it gives the feeling that there is more to think about in general. great job laney^^

[deeps]

Don't you hate insonmia?
This is very well written. I like this.

[zhaven]

i like it, im able to really feel it, i know how it feels to lay awake and feel these feelings.

[OTL]

not to sound like a jerk, but if your going to post something, please take the time to proofread. Other than that I think it is pretty good, especially for someones first poem. I realize your sister is new to this, but a good thing to know when writing poems is rhyming is cool and all, but don't take your poem off track or something just to get a rhyme in. Feel free to think outside the box write a non-rhyming poem. I'm not saying that she did that is this poem, just something to consider if she decides to continue writing.