In Realms of Unconsciousness

“Lily, things are going to change.” Mama says, her voice soft caramel honey, “and its not going to be easy.” I don’t look at her. Instead I stare straight ahead at our lush garden filled with a multitude of vibrant plants. Lavender. Honey suckle. Raspberries. Sunshine bathes my face, legs, and arms. But I am still cold. I close my eyes and imagine myself becoming part of the warmth. Bodiless; a hot blazing white ray of sunlight, dancing above the world. No gravity can hold me down.

“Do you understand Lily?” I nod without opening my eyes. “Look at me, Lily.”

I dig my nails into my skin and force myself to meet her eyes. Wide emerald eyes. The sadness glittering in them is like a sharp knife slicing through my heart. Ice cold and merciless. My heart bleeds. I nod again, then turn to back to the garden. I try to erase my thought; a hand releasing a finger at a time. I can feel Mama’s presence shimmering next to me; her aura pulsing too close to mine. I bite my lip, to stop the hateful words from pouring out of my mouth. I inhale and hold my breath. 

After a few endless moments she slowly gets up and disappears into the house. I exhale and my breath goes back to its usual rhythm. I try to meditate, but my mom’s words echo in my mind over and over again. “Things are going to change.”

 

I am twelve years old want to die.