Dear Mom

Letters to Mom- 2 months. October 2012

Dear Mom,

I really, really miss you. Really, really!

I was thinking today that if I was in NYC during this hurricane you would be freaking out. I could almost hear your voice telling me to make sure I had enough food storage. You were always making sure I was prepared for the unexpected. I should always keep saltine crackers and ginger ale in the house in case I have an upset stomach. I need wellness formula and Emergen-C if I feel a cold coming on. Make sure to have extra batteries,flashlights, and candles ready if the power goes out. Water, loads of water. Oh, and my favorite was always when you told me to make sure I had something to do because if you're stuck at home it is easy to get bored. You told me and Erin to get supplies of pant to store so we could have a panting party if we were ever snowed in. I thought about all of this today. I imagined Erin and I stuck in that apartment, painting with all our supplies.

Of course, I do not live there anymore. I am not stuck in that storm. You are not even here to worry if I was...

This new life I am not accustomed to is wildly odd. I know you equipped me all the knowledge necessary be a successful woman but there is something about knowing I can never check with you that scares me. I doubt myself. I worry about what I have not experienced. That part of life I have yet to create. The night before my wedding jitters where I may really need your advice or pregnant for the first time and curious/scared; how will I feel then? It is funny how I can "do" now but I fear the future. I imagine it will be like the time Jamie and I had lunch about one month before we lost you. We discussed the very possibility of this reality. It seemed so absolutely impossible. Impossible to survive, impossible to live through until you have no choice. One foot in front of the other and we soon realize it has been two months since we saw you. Then one day I will look back and think, wow, it has been 10 years. That day makes me sad. The future makes me even more sad than what I am dealing with now. Every day that passes is not easier, I get better at hiding it; dealing with this new life but it is not easier.

Well, my scattered thoughts just needed to talk to you tonight. I love you more than I have loved anything. I miss your texts (overbearing and all), I miss talking 25 times a day, I miss your advice, I miss your knowledge. I miss your spirit and soul. I love you mommy. I miss you a little more today than yesterday.

Your little one,
L