Worthless

I am done looking for love where it doesn’t exist. I am done coughing up dust in attempts to drink from dry wells.

You crawl back into my thoughts, persistent,

ready to remind me of your dim world

where love and laughter were nonexistent,

where my small self was vulnerable, curled

into a corner, a cavern of fears.

Your words like knives tearing into my soul,

polished in the blue spill of plaintive tears.

Your sharp edges diminishing me - whole.

 

I know who you are; I cannot forget

a lineage of loneliness and pain.

There’s no room for you here anymore; yet,

you disembark from the passenger train.

Your baggage is heavy, filled with the past.

The sun settles into a ring of stones.

I know that tomorrow could be my last,

and the house that you haunt is in my bones.

 

I was worthless, a daughter in exile,

an outcast then and lifetimes to follow,

the sadness scripted in back of your smile,

the joyless husk of a heart born hollow.

Each word was a missive of cindered night.

The shadowed mesa was fractured like skin.

I see you and hear you.  Where is the light?

I find no comfort to have you within.

 

I pour out my spirit, the universe.

Cobwebs latch onto the bittersweet years.

I forfeit my dreams, the gold in my purse,

the echoes that linger upon my ears.

We passed through this life and shifted with change.

We tasted everything that time could bring.

We unfolded wings the breadth and the range

riding the wind as though an offering.  

 

I set you free among the blooms resigned

to revel in time’s immutable dust

with the salient hope of heart and mind

that crossover carrions fade to rust.

Let loose your willows, your cascading hair,

burn all of your sorrows into the sea.

Nothing is worthless - no one, anywhere.

I am of value, and you were to me.

Author's Note

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

I don't know who is being addressed here, but they apparently impacted the speaker's life catastrophically. The imagery is excellent, and it lays out an unrelenting indictment of this person. The fourth stanza indicates the relationship was a long one, and the impression is that some time has passed since it ended. The speaker indicates it still comes to mind frequently. Such bitterness may seem warranted, but sadly, the memory has dominated the speaker's life.

[Seriana]

Very powerful and painful, Linda. One can feel the frustration, the longing to belong only to have that hope crushed. Yet, hope there is despite the sadness. To come out of this and write about it? To show the world that you ARE worthy? Ahhh, and the beautiful image, such a fitting one for this. It screams of victory.

So sorry for your suffering, but glad for your words. Thank you for sharing this personal piece.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Seriana. I appreciate your thoughts.

[DIVYA]

It's such a battle to see our own worth when those we love don't, yet we can overcome the negativity. Our loved ones have such power over us. They can make or break our life, our world. This poem is replete with beautiful lines expressing the sadness left lingering within even after a destructive relationship is ended. Pain speaks through all your words here.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Divya.

[Ken Simm.]

I feel I have very rarely seen such a complex and yet beautiful description of depression and of losing love anywhere at any time. We the reader feel it.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Ken.

[Lydia Shutter]

Oh, this one is extremely powerful, Linda. Our childhoods do shape our adulthood and some people are unable to escape the mental or physical abuse they endured. A child can not grasp why a parent is unloving. It takes years to overcome an emotionally abusive childhood...and some people never can succeed. The honest emotion in this poem gives us a peek into your world. You are one strong woman! Lydi**

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Lydia. Writing gives me the voice that, as a child, I never had.

[Chris Shaw]

Some people are incapable of love because they were starved of it themselves as children and don’t know any better. Sadly they can cause a great deal of damage to others. There is that hurt in these lines and I can’t begin to imagine that hurt. I read your response to will and all became clearer. A haunting piece Linda. How well you convey emotional turmoil. Thank you for posting.

Chris

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you for reading and for your thoughts, Chris. While she had a hard life herself, I just wish she had risen above it, become stronger herself, and had the ability to break the cycle of abuse. Sadly, it was left to me. I know the words that she said to me were words that someone had said to her. Unfortunately, she believed them and allowed her soul to be crushed by them. She could never rise above the weight of it all. She has now passed. What I find saddest of all is that she never saw any value in herself. How then could she find value in her own children. The only time that I ever saw her happy was in a dream. I wish she had been happy in life.

[Chris Shaw]

That is so sad that she allowed herself to be crushed by it all. Some just haven’t got the inner strength to change. What is even sadder is that she has passed not knowing what she has missed out on 🌺

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Oh, she knew. From the time that I was thirteen, I bided my time, waiting for the age of 18. The day before my 18th birthday, I left home and never looked back. I mourned the loss of a mother that I never had years before her passing. I refused to live a lie for the sake of her vanity, and I walked away from the insanity. The only way that I could rise above it was to distance myself from that environment and everyone that I knew completely. It took more strength than I knew I had; and trust me, there were many times along the way that I thought it would break me.

[Chris Shaw]

At such a young age you found that strength. Such courage for YOU to walk away from it and build yourself a new life. I hope you have found happiness.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you. I am about as happy as I can be. No matter the challenges, I have always had a streak of resiliency about me, determined to do better for myself. I know that I haven't done that alone. God has been with me every step of the way, even when I felt alone. He held my hand and pulled me out of it all.

[willweb]

This beautiful but forlorn poem seems a bit...just a bit of a contradiction. Though I could very easily be incorrect. The story seems to be of a love sent away, though questions remain and possibly affection does too. She seems to want him gone, no longer a part of her life though she can't shake the memory of him as it continues to haunt her but...I believe that the true haunting of her heart would begin if his memory was gone...she would not be the same without it. Maybe? Loved this pirm, I love how you craft your lines. Everything melts together to form something amazing. Thank you for sharing this. It was a gift for me this evening.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Will. This is actually about my mother and her inability to love. According to her, I was the worst mistake of her life; but as a daughter, all I did was wish for her love. She couldn't have had a better daughter, but it was all in vain. As a child, she had been made to feel worthless herself so she continued that cycle of abuse. Sadly, this is the lot of many in life. I know I am not alone.

[willweb]

That is so very sad and I am truly sorry to hear that my friend. No one is a mistake and everyone deserves to be loved and appreciated. If only she could have known what an amazing and talented poet her daughter would become. Very sad.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

It is sad. She was broken as a person. They say that we either stay wounded or we gain wisdom from the pain. She was the former. At least now, she can rest in peace.