City Night (1)

 

She sighed softly, a content sound, unfurling her wings behind her for a moment before folding them lightly around her shoulders. The night was beautifully clear, rare for this part of the city, and from her precarious perch atop the spire of the city's tallest tower, she could see right out to sea where the lights of the distant ships twinkled in the velvet darkness. The full moon was hidden behind high wisps of clouds, giving the admiring figure atop the tower an unadulterated view of the electric star field below her.

"Who says the city's not beautiful?" she asked to no one but the breeze ruffling the stripes of fur covering most of her body. "All you hafta do is be willin' t'see it," she continued, gazing out over the hustle and bustle of the city streets, the noise barely a murmur, no louder than a calm beach shore, at this height. But another sound was heard over the soft hum-thrum of the city’s heartbeat. The beating of large leathery wings approached, causing one ear to skillfully pivot backwards towards the sound as a grin crossed her face.

A gentle touch on her mind inquired, asking permission to intrude on her solitude. She answered, happy to share her self-appointed vigil with another. A backdraft and a rather ungainly approach and landing invoked a childish giggle from the girl.

"And what's bringin' you all th'way out here, m'lost boy?" she inquired teasingly.

"Ah..." he stumbled, trying to think of a reason, "If I recall, you promised to show me the sights of your city." In truth, he simply wanted to see her again. Absurd. She was much too young for his tastes, along with being far from legal to begin with. Besides, he was knowledgeable in the wily ways of women. Every one he had ever met was simply attracted to his station in life and good looks, not necessarily himself.

But this one...this one he couldn't figure out. He knew she knew he was not as simple as he said he was, yet...neither did she seem to care. It was...well, confusing at best and down right infuriating at other times. The few times he even tried pulling any sort of rank with the child, she had simply stared at him with those bright green eyes of hers that seemed to know too much before grinning and blithely ignoring him. Gaia curse it all! She seemed to want him to earn the respect he should have had by right of birth! But a soft chuckle quickly brought him out of his reverie.

"Alright. As long as we stick t'the roofs n'stuff we'll be cool." Suddenly she reached out and lightly swatted his shoulder. "Tag! You're it!" she called, agily leaping from the spire and spreading her wings to catch the night air. He shook his head once again in wonderment at her temperament before joining her in flight.

Reviews

[Kaij aka the Crit B***h]

Merry Meet.

Interesting that you're not posting full length chapters, rather snippets of what might be in them instead. I don't mind this way, but I couldn't do it. I'm too much of a perfectionist that needs to get everything sounding and lowing the right way before I can move onto another chapter or piece. Bah, anyway, just so you know everything I say is in my own opinion, not yours. You are the writer, I am the reviewer. I can't tell you what to do, only give tips that I think would make it better. Beware of sarcasm.

Let's begin.

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1.) Adverb usage, stop that. Adverbs are used far too often and can ruin the effect of your story if used too often. Do you know how many adverbs I've counted out in just this piece so far? Seventeen. That's just counting all of the -ly ones. There are more, I bet, but I refuse to look for all of them. An adverb means joined to a verb. They tell how, when, where, and to what extent. You don't need them half the time, they are only space fillers, which is bad for the writing. Also, they can state to obvious to the reader, making us feel like you're calling us stupid in a way. Some examples are below:

- She sighed [softly],
- The night was [beautifully] clear,
- But a soft chuckle [quickly] brought him out of his reverie.

*takes a deep breath to calm herself* Do you know how many times you wrote the word "simply." It's...Ugh, I can't even say anything about it, my mind's been muddled. Many editors will not give a second glance to a story if it's overflowing with these words. Don't counter with many published authors having them in their stories either. They are published, this is not. The only sanctuary an adverb has is in dialogue, that's the only place. If they are in a description, they shouldn't be there.

You're a writer, take them out and leave the sentence be, or come up with something more unique.

2.) Wheee! Onto the Lazy Voice, or as most call it, the passive voice. In these cases, half the time you're telling the reader something instead of showing us what's happening in front of our eyes. *plays her recorded voice* Show, don't tell. There's nothing that aggravates the reader more than having to read about something, instead of seeing it with our eyes, or having our senses touch it. The passive voice is a to be verb followed by a past participle. *cuts off recording voice* Examples below.

- But another sound [was heard] over the soft hum-thrum of the city's heartbeat.
- The full moon [was hidden] behind high wisps of clouds,

Now, I'm not going to nit-pick on this too much, because you don't have it overused as much as you do with the adverbs. Still, it's something to remember.

3.) Conjunctions are used to connect two words, phrases, or clauses together. They are not to begin at the start of a sentence. The only exception to this is when someone's talking, because that's just how we talk sometimes. Examples below:

- [But] this one...this one he couldn't figure out.
- [But] a soft chuckle quickly brought him out of his reverie.
- [But] another sound was heard over the soft hum-thrum of the city's heartbeat.

4.) Dialect. *twitch* It's...so annoying. When she first speaks, it's perfect. But then you go and do a complete 360 with a change of accent that me leap to my feet and shout, "No!" Let me do a quote from elsewhere that I found:

"The character profile you have created describes him to a tee. He's stocky - muscular, but not fat - has dark hair, dark skin, a mustache, and, oh yes, an accent. Yes, that's it. "Hee'ya has an accent'a."

From somewhere out in the literary landscape, a buzzer sounds. Your reader has just gagged and closed your book she was perusing at the bookstore. Game over. You lose."

This is kind of what your dialect is doing. The reader has to stop, read, stop, read, stop, read, to move over the speaking part. Don't do this to us, we will shut the book and find another better one that doesn't have such atrocious accents. You don't read a book with someone saying "An' he wuzza li'llun' to boot!" You've just officially freaked your reader out in wondering who the hell taught you how to write if you used something like that. Yes, people do have accents, I'm not saying they don't. Just don't write them out unless it flows smoothly. Yours doesn't.

Instead, explain how her accent is when the male comes in for a landing to listen to her voice. He can hear it quite well, even though we can't, and he can think about it in his head for a moment of how the words sound. Do more research on someone's dialect. Think of what it sounds like to you, because for the reader, the dialect is heard with the eyes, not the ears.

5.) Below I'm going to go over sentences in the first paragraph and have examples of how they can be rewritten. Less is more, remember that.

- She sighed softly, a content sound, unfurling her wings behind her for a moment before folding them lightly around her shoulders.

Adverb usage here. Cut it down until it's short and sweet. Also, the reader doesn't need you telling us she unfurled her wings behind her back. That's where the wings usually are, right? This sentence speaks the obvious so well, it makes us think you're calling us stupid, as if we didn't know where the wings are. Now, in a case if the wings are on the head or connected to arms, that's a different case. But you've said nothing of the like in here, so it's to be treated like normal. Wings are on the back. We know.

--> She sighed in content, unfurling her wings for a moment before folding them around her shoulders.

- The night was beautifully clear, rare for this part of the city...

Only this part needed rewording because of the adverb. I didn't find anything else to gripe about in the rest of the sentence.

--> The night was clear, rare for this part of the city...

- The full moon was hidden behind high wisps of clouds, giving the admiring figure atop the tower an unadulterated view of the electric star field below her.

Was hidden = hid. Half of the second part of the sentence can be chopped off. One, we know it's the female you're talking about so don't jot out something huge like "the admiring figure atop the tower". Second, we know she's atop the tower because you told us this. Don't tell the reader something twice unless it's a must.

--> The full moon hid behind high wisps of clouds, giving her an unadulterated view of the electric star field below.

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Well, there's my penny's worth of advice. Like I said before, this is all my opinion. In no way am I telling you to rewrite these because it's a must and you'll die if you don't. I'm merely stating how it could work better in my eyes. Hopefully I've been of some help.

Until next time.

[boyinblue]

I actually liked the way the paragraphs rolled off my tongue. It really felt like a type of poetry, but I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Remember, it's a story, I kinda had to reread some lines to get the just of it. Regardless, this was a nice scene. I'm still struggling to keep up with how the creatures look, but meh, in time right. Btw, this is a bit short, and I should know, my chapters are short, but still longer than this. Snippets are cool, just remember how the story should flow.
Keep it up.