When the light leaves, Dark sees

A story about the title..

I was walking with my sweater and coat in Antarctica, it was beginning to be dusk, snow flakes fell before my eyes and a sense of coldness hitted my through my body.

“When the light leaves” My head was thinking “Then the dark sees” As a matter of fact, I felt really sad. Everything was starting to get... really... cold.....

No one was walking with me...the darkness was about to again in my house… I tried to run, but I fell down trying too. 

“When the light leaves” The sun was starting to go down

“Then the dark sees” The moon was coming from the other end, with all its might and light shinning through the arctic floor.

I cough, started to think about every defeat in my life and everything that makes me fall down. The pain that love had brought me, has gotten me to become cold like Antarctica itself, there’s nobody walking with me before the sun goes down.

Violet rays, The sun was going down, half of the sun going to who knows where

Darkness was seeing again in my land, I felt the sweet blanket from it.

“Time to go” I thought

“Again and again”

As I walked each step, the sun was going down and darkness was rising. I felt cold and wanted to cry.

“When the light leaves and the dark sees” I thought

Darkness rose to the sky with the last rays of hope form the sun were fading away…

My heart started to sink down… the only sound were my footsteps in the snow and the snow storm coming towards my home or so I thought that was my home…

“When the light leaves, then the dark sees”

Depression is like that, never lets you see the light.

I stopped. “Is there someone who wants to come and help me survive this sadness of seeing the light leave and dark see?” I said

No sounds, nothing. “Like I thought” and kept walking

Darkness swallow me as I walk into it. Tears formed in my eyes

“I do” Said a voice from behind

A booming sound, my red eyes stopped forming tears and slowly turned.

A man in white robs with a face that I couldn’t see was standing behind me.

“Would you like to come with me in this long walk of mine?” I asked the mysterious man

“Of course I do, you are my child and I’m never letting you go. Don’t worry this is only a stage of life, soon, you’ll smile again”

For some reason that made me feel better. The man grabbed me from my shoulder as I starting to fall down, the cold was really hitting me now.

“And I’m never letting you fall”  Said the man

He kept his hand in his shoulder and we started walking towards the darkness

“Don’t be afraid, darkness is something that doesn’t exist, it’s something that the human kind made to differ what’s bad from what is” “Even darkness has a light”

We kept walking the arctic wonderland with the stars above shinning really bright.

“Just lean on me” Said the man

I woke up in a pile of snow.

My brother was trying to help me up.

“What happened?” I asked

“You had another heart attacked” He said struggling to say it

“Come on now, the light is about to leave and dark is about to see” Said my brother, a young man whose age was around 8 years old, wearing a jacket and comfy pants.

I looked to the sky and saw that the sun was about to set.

I grabbed my brother from his hand and walked towards the darkness where our igloo was. With every step, a ray of light leaving us.

 

Author's Note

This is probably my favorite story that I have writen, because I usually feel like this.
Walking somewhere where my lighit is leaving and I don't know what to do to keep my light. as if darkness swalled me everytime I tried to do something right, as if everything that I do is wrong. "When the light leaves, Dark sees Pt 2" Is a song by a band called Los Campesinos!
I hope you like this story.....

Reviews

[FateDictates]

I loved the title of this work that so cleverly puts you in that moment..well done

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much!

[zephyrx]

[Lizardo]

Thank you.....?

[zephyrx]

hey it seems it doesn't show what i wrote. >_< ..hmm well i had written something along the lines, that it was nice

[Lizardo]

Ohhh jajaja thank you so much then :)

[Yash]

That is true about depression and about darkness having a light. I like your style, its sad at first but gets better.

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much for your review :)

[Jimmy Yetts]

You have good instincts; are a born storyteller.
Keep working on your technique, young poet.
An intriguing offering, Lizardo!

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much Frankie! I'm glad you liked it

[Tania]

Beautiful ! Love this writing :)

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it :)

[RomaJ]

Beautiful and very moving story. And also inspiring. Never lose that inner light that shines within us all.

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it

[Ov3R_sKiLl3D]

Wow. That was breathtaking.very beautifully written :)

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much :)

[Daisy]

yes it's wonderful........ chasing after light. everyone does this in some part of their lives... I wish you find it soon... good job

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it :)

[Ishita Dixit]

I absolutely loved this Lizardo!
It is so sincere and beautiful.
This is how each one of us feels when we're depressed.
Great job young Sir! :)

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much Ishita! I'm glad you liked it :)

[Ishita Dixit]

You're welcome!

[Nusquam Esse]

If I was to pin point a particular problem with this story it would be that the writing was too choppy, the descriptions do not flow as well as they could, and instead feel much like a 'shopping list' which is at times redundant. My advice specifically would be to try and find ways to combine lines and descriptions into sentences which bridge them together. Also consider each line, each word, and ponder if it is actually necessary, if the information can be presented better in some way. EX.

"I was walking with my sweater and coat in Antarctica. It was dusk and the light was beginning to go and darkness was about to see. The sun started to go down"

There isn't really a particular need to state that this story is in Antarctica; if anything, leaving it ambiguous can give it even more a feeling of isolation. Furthermore, I doubt there is a need to specify both sweater AND coat; but if you choose to, it should be better described. Here is a sample rewrite of the first two paragraphs (realize this is just my own flair of how I would write it, but perhaps it can illustrate in someway what I am trying to say.):

"Trudging through endless snow, I drew my coat in closer, a futile attempt to banish the cold which dwells at the edge of this world. The sensation of my hand-knit sweater beneath brought only the warmth of memories now passed; as all things must pass in this land. It was dusk on the tundra, the sun fading to the horizon, taking with it the light. "When the light fades," my mind wandered, "then the darkness is seen." With a shiver, I realized that nothing I had was enough to keep at bay this dreamscape of loneliness and despair."

All in all, this had a surreal quality to it; and I LOVE surrealism. Keep writing this style, and see how you can improve it and develop your own unique voice for it.

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much for you great review! It really helped me :)
I will fix those mistakes and try to make it flow better like your example there.
Really, thank you a lot

[Nusquam Esse]

There are not really any specific mistakes beyond grammatical issues; but it would be unfair to expect someone of your age with English as a second language to have flawless grammar. If you ever need specific help, feel free to ask. If I am not too overwhelmed with work, then I will do my best to help. The important thing is that you continue writing, continue trying new styles (even when you suck at them), and trying to find your own unique way of writing. This really reminds me of my first story, "Alone in this Grave of Ours"

[Lizardo]

Okay, I'll be sure to ask for help and really? That's interesting, I always try to do that.