For a friend

Dear friend,

I know you don't think so, and I know you'll deny it to the ends of the earth, but you are WORTH IT. There are times when we think it would just be easier to not exist at all, because existing hurts so f*****g much, I know. It feels like someone is just constantly twisting over and over a knife in your gut. But think about it this way. Maybe you'll be scarred, but the wound will stop hurting. A piece of you might be missing, your innocence, your childhood, your self esteem, or all of the above, but you are still living, and living is a wonderful thing. I had my own moment not to long ago when I had my mental break down I messages you about. I believe my exact words were: "and why did the word suicide just pop into my head and sound so f*****g good?" At the time those three syllables sounded like heaven. (No pun intended) but now, now that I think it with a stable mind and dry eyes it sounds terrifying. I don't know if this will sound good to you, or bad, but I'm hoping bad. I've never been in your position before, but imagine not being. You can't think. You're not THERE. The thought of that makes me want to throw up. Te thought of nothing scares me so much. But never having been in your position, I don't know how it sounds to you.

And I know what it's like to hate yourself. I do. Though for me it just comes at certain times of day, like in the shower or after dinner. I love waking up in the morning (sort of) I'm so skinny after nine hours of not eating anything. And I know I'm putting all my secrets, all my insecurities right out here on the Internet, but if by any chance it could help you, we'll then it's worth it. I want to be anorexic, okay? One of my deepest secrets, right there. I. Want. To. Be. Anorexic. So. Freaking. Bad. But I can't. I can't. I've read the stories, I've seen what it does to the families of those people. But I still want it. Hell, I miss having pb and j for lunch everyday and cheetohs and the like, but I'm down to salad and pretzels. I stopped eating breakfast because I thought cutting down to two meals a day would be better, and today, I came up with a new plan to bring a Baggie of honey but Cheerios and only eat that all day until dinner, because if you eat one Cheerios every five minutes you lose weight because it burns more calories to digest it than its worth. What I'm trying to do by telling you all this, I'm trying to show you that it's OKAY. It's going to be okay. If I have to sob those words with you, I will until we both believe them. I'm trying to convince myself here, almost. It does get better, and I don't know this out of experience, in fact, I don't know it at all, but I'm hoping.

Hope is what you need, not happiness. Happiness comes and goes with the wind, hope, though it may fade, plants a seed in your heart that when happiness comes, it gets watered and eventually, a tree grows. A hope tree. In your heart. (This is so incredibly corny, but it's genius.) with each leaf the the tree grows it erases some sadness, not bringing eternal happiness, no, people with eternal happiness are insane. But contentment. 

We will get through this together. I promise. If you ever are up at two in the morning holding a blade to your wrist or a rope in your hands with google page 'how to tie a noose' or a full bottle of pills and a glass of water, CALL ME. Please, I'd rather lose sleep than you.

You are beautiful.

You are wonderful.

You are perfect in anyway possible.

You are good.

You are kind.

You are rambunctious.

You are quiet.

You are lovable.

You are prickly.

You are amazing.

And most of all, you are alive and human. And that is not something to throw away. Please, don't throw it away.

Author's Note

Sorry for any typos, this is on my iPad.
Please, take this to heart, this was meant for a friend of mine, but I felt like other people may need it too.

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

In short, and without deliberate detail, I was to hang from my favorite tree a few months ago...... and then I read something like this. So rare, so honest, and very grounded to assure those of us who get lost, always find our way back with the biggest hug if possible!! I had to skip over the last little paragraph you wrote, after seeing out of my peripheral, the word noose. My heart is STILL pumping hard!! Just words...... just words on a screen I USED to think. Wow......... wow. Beautiful Sophie. xoxo -Mark

[anxia]

I am sure others were reminded of their own frnds who they could turn to. so supportive. Good job Sophie!

[.]

wow... this is something everyone needs to read. this is perfect, seriously perfect. thank you for writing this

[Brooklyn]

I'm seriously crying :,(

[Sophie]

Sorry?

[Coyote Poetry]

A very deep and serious story. Friends need to know they have a safe place to hide and know peace. Sometime we must help another to insure their safety. No weakness in the excellent story.
Coyote

[Damien Davison]

Very deep, very intense. I'm sure people who are going through some of that would really appreciate this writing. Good job.

[Odayin]

Wow Sophie, that was intensely emotional...Nice

[Steven Cash]

Awesome sauce

[Amanda]

Aw, here come the tears again :P
And I thought you didn't like the cheerios?

[Sophie]

They're boring, but I'll live

[Amanda]

you better
are they honeynut? those are quite as boring