8.15.13 and 8.23.13

I opened it again. By revisiting my 5MeO-DMT experience while writing Spirit Breath, I helped the portal to dilate. Without trying very hard I returned to that magical dimension between realities. At first I didn't know if I was going to make it, and then, without hardly any effort, I was picked up and transported, almost unwillingly at first. But I let myself neutralize and be carried away… The visuals weren't nearly as incredible as they were when actually partaking in the sacrament, but the reaction to the experience was the same. My head tilted back and my jaw dropped, my spinal cord was activated and vibrated against the back of my neck like I had been pressed against a thick electric cord. Blinding sacred geometry pounded like reverberating subwoofers against my eyelids and frontal lobe. I took the dive and for a split second that felt like a timeless eternity, I experienced all of it at full capacity. When my ego returned, I took that huge inhaling breath, and like a spirit coming back to its vessel of a human body after traveling across space and centuries, piles of backed up thoughts flooded across my head and sent my arms and legs writhing. I curled my arms around and above my head and lifted my legs and dragged them across the bed like they were heavier than stone. I was moving in slow motion but time in my head was absent. My fingers found my drooling mouth and I moaned like a child who was still discovering the fascination with their own voice. I giggled slightly but a frown replaced it quicker than it had come. My chest heaved and I felt the remnants of blocked energy in my throat. Since I had already banished the evil that had previously haunted my aura and the boundaries of my home and personal space, I was free to access the beauties that existed on the other side of the lines that I myself had designated. No one and nothing would bother me now; I had almost an entirety of power and authority. This time, also, my fingers searched my body until it found a place between my legs, and after releasing my ego a little bit more and being granted permission from the facilitator of the experience, was able to add an entirely new layer of pleasure and discovery. Fear was barely present. Compared to my first experience, I felt more toward the neutral middle of the spectrum, if not more positive.

8.26.13

Early this morning I was deep in a slightly lucid dream. The lucidity was more in my thought process and did not translate entirely into the visuals of the dream. I was somewhere else, an alternate place that was still my own but was uncomfortable and made me nervous. Alone in my bed, I vibrated on the levels of the spirit molecule. I shuddered and moaned, then I began to cry, but not with wails of pain or joy. Just with life.  I don't remember why, but I tried to wake myself up. I knew I was dreaming and for some reason I was upset that I had done this in dreamtime. I realized that I had already woken up but the reality in which I had awoken was just another layer of dream. I slapped at my face, trying to wake myself up again. I couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep, and the lack of control that I had over my reality began to scare and anger me. I grew fearful of the idea of losing myself in the in-between void, where I could not differentiate between my perceptions of time and space and where dream creatures and events find cracks in the boundaries between worlds. Finally, after shaking and jumping and hitting my face and hands, I fell onto my bed and was asleep again. It was only then that I found myself back in real time, and even now as I write, I wonder how real even this very moment is.

Reviews

[Gary Dale Burns]

I think this is about an experience that changed a character's normal perception of the world with the aid of a drug, and the possible ramifications of that experience. There is great sensory description and visualizations in the first entry. The character was writing and then takes the drug, momentarily loses all sense of time and then gradually re-establishes this connection with time by reacquainting her perception of her own space, the experience of her body. The language is a bit hermetic at times ("helped the portal to dilate","since I had already banished the evil","more toward the neutral middle of the spectrum") and I can see better what you mean when I'm shown with descriptive language rather than terms that might leave me in the dark, no matter how enlightening the character's experience is to herself.

The second entry is not so positive and is dated more than a few days after the first one. It reads like a wave of repercussion after the experience the week before. This disorientation between what is real and a dream, or the real dream from the proxy dream - that's a scary experience that the reader might have had as well. The language is a lot more condensed. There's some nice symmetry as you return to the character writing at the end. It's almost as if writing is required to reaffirm some foothold in reality. It's clear to me as a reader that your character has had an intense experience and needs some point of reference or a guide to aid the meaning of it all. Some more meaning would be helpful to the reader as well, but only to surround the mystery with a dim light that makes the experience intriguing.