self-pitied

Its perplexing how I am among friends, family, siblings by blood and by fire

who have demonstrated their love to me in so many ways

and yet I still feel as if I deserve none of it.

I have hurt everyone who has ever dared to care

I have crushed their hopes in me of living up to my potential

I have accepted nothing from any of them only to give everything I have for their benefit.

The only joy I have experienced is that of helping others

giving an encouraging word when needed

shedding tears to empathize with those in pain

helping others improve in the ways they always wanted to. 

this joy has been my sustenance.

But when i'm down, I am emotionally starving

i let no one in. I keep that smile on my face.

and still strive to keep up the spirits of others

and be the one that brings that small ounce of happiness to the otherwise bleak day

while I'm deteriorating inside, I still try to be the one that helps others rebuild.

while I'm crying inside, I still try to be the one that makes others smile.

while I'm practically dying inside, I still try to be the one that shows others the joy of being alive.

and i give of myself while never expecting any help or love back.

I don't feel I deserve it.

I don't feel like i've earned it.

sometimes i don't even know if I WANT it.

And out of all of the negative emotions I've endured and held on to, its sad that I don't even know if I could handle even one small expression of unconditional love.

and while all this sounds like such a complicated problem, I know that this emotional condition that I hold inside can be solved by a simple............. hug.

a nice, long, I'm here for you and never going to let you go no matter how much you push away and try to block me out kind of HUG.

that even though you may not completely understand me, and even though I feel so undeserving, 

you will be there for me anyway kind of HUG

that i'm here whenever you need me kind of  HUG.

and if i had someone to give me that, someone that i actually let in behind my cold emotional facade,

I know i would weep to the point of dehydration.

I would simply let it all come out.

the years and years of pain, agony, frustration, grief, guilt, fear, and sorrow 

would simply unravel themselves from my mental image of my tormented being

and i would finally, get a chance to rest. 

i would drift off into a peaceful sleep.

and hope to never wake up to feel those things again.

and if that was to happen, my last words before i doze, would be

THANK YOU.

thank you for releasing me from this mental prison;

thank you for stopping me from nurturing my derision;

thank you for helping me to make this decision;

to keep on going because life is actually worth living.