What am i doing?

Rambling

What am I doing? Who am I? Continuing to lie to people about my financial status, lying to my family... Killing myself basically. I've done more s**t in the last month, not for the better either, but in just a month and a half. I would like to hit rewind back to the beginning, before all the craziness happened. I'm a soldier and will get through this. I have been told by a few people I could do better. I know that I could BUT despite all the stuff that's been going on, I love him, and I'm not gonna end this because of what people say. I am me, and I'm doing me. I am not taking away the one person who makes me smile, makes me laugh, who makes me feel special. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm being blind, but I don't care. That is my mind set right now. Why take away the ONE thing (besides the kids) who makes me smile... I'm always told I should smile more, and now they wanna take that away. Again, I could be wrong, but I am in for the long haul. As long as IF it has to end, it's a mutual feeling. If I was able to rewind, I would rewind to when we started talking, and I would change how things happened. and things would be legit, kosher, no strings with THAT part.the rest of it would be on him to make the right choices. Would he do things differently, I don't know.. and I'm unable to rewind anyways. and I can't wish to go back in time. What will be the absolute killer, if its come down to it, is the kids. Itd definately CRUSH them to see him leave. Things are gonna get better. Just might take some time. Life is truly a B***h when things go the wrong direction. But I'm a strong person, and always seem to overcome what is put in front of me. Let's see what happens. I may not appear happy, but when I'm with him, I feel happy. Is it so wrong for me to be happy?

3/26/2015