Zombie Coffee Fix

Zombie Coffee Fix

A Story by Maya Storm

For those of you who just need to drink a cup of coffee in the morning before you see things clearly.


Early morning hustle and bustle of briefcases and power suits fill the Second Bucks coffee shop. A zombie in a business suit walks into the coffee shop with an ear piece, a newspaper tucked under one arm, a hand held device and a briefcase. 

"You damn t**d... If I lose money on this, I will slap you into another profession!" The zombie pulls the blue-tooth from his ear and throws it across the coffee shop. The other customers continue with their morning routines.

The cashier -clearly a morning person- with her cheeky greetings and peppy bounce behind the register. She is a hip twenty something with piercings, eyebrow, ears, nose and mouth. Her pigtails are wrapped with purple hair ties and she wears the name tag Kiwi.

The zombie is prepared with his unusual order and greets the jovial Kiwi with a closed mouth creepy smile.

Kiwi returns a smile and a rehearsed. "Welcome to Second Bucks, may I take your order?"

The zombie clears his throat and takes a breath. "I would like a Caramel Macchiato con Panna, with breast milk from a sixteen-year-old mother, spit from a unicorn, the blood of a virgin mule, topped with a dollop of whipped cream and a drizzle of caramel sauce in the shape of a star."

Kiwi rings up his order and tries for an up-sell. "Would you like a scone with that?"

The zombie quickly agrees and adds his specifications. "Ginger Molasses, cinnamon chip, blueberry, double chocolate scone." He slaps a hundred on the counter and wobbles his head from side to side.

"We don't take large bills here." Pointing to the wall with a sign stating clearly (WE DO NOT ACCEPT $50 or $100)

"Oh for [email protected]#^ $ake you [email protected]#T! Too dumb to count that high?"

Polite and chipper as ever Kiwi replies. "It's store policy sir, a twenty would do just fine."

He pulls back his hundred dollar bill and replaces it with a twenty.

"Your order will be to your right, here is your change," she gestures him to the pick up area.

The zombie moves to the server section and waits impatiently, he checks his watch and then his hand held device, and then his watch again.

The server, a emo-girl, dark hair, pink streaks cut short, tattoo of a rabbit on the back of her neck, and a stoned cold serious face, name tagged Penny.  She assembles the zombie's order with very little care and places the items on the counter. He picks up the scone and his espresso. He smells it and then takes a sip. 

"THERE IS NO BLOOD OF A VIRGIN MULE! YOU [email protected]##$%$, INCOMPETENT MINIMUM WAGE %$#%, ILLITERATE WASTE OF [email protected]#$ %^$2 #[email protected]#$!!!"

Penny is startled. She steps back and tries to offer an apology. "We only had blood of a fertile cow-"

The zombie leaps over the counter, rips the head from Penny's body and drinks her blood. He drops her head on the floor. Now covered in blood, he looks up and is met with eyes from all directions. The entire shop is in complete silence. He turns and is face to face with Kiwi, she is unable to move from shear fright.

While wiping his mouth, he says with great relief. "I am so very sorry. I guess all I needed was my morning fix."

© 2012 Maya Storm

Author's Note

Maya Storm
If I have spelling errors or punctuation issues I'd like to know.

My Review

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OMG...yes...I liked it..specially the order, I worked as a barista in my college years and yes you found those kind of people.....I felt the whole feeling of a zombified society where no one cares for the other, and I like the analogy but the main a*****e zombie coffee lover looked more like something else, more than a zombie...I do feel like a zombie, not a morning person and I begin my day after my coffee...also the descriptions of the employees pretty visuals I might say. Yeah, cool letters!!!

Posted 6 Years Ago

Pretty wild and wacky. That espresso order was something else. I didn't look close for errors, but none popped out at me. Excellent writing--very imaginative. (funny, too)

Posted 10 Years Ago

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intriguing and entertainingly a great read.
enjoyed it.

Posted 10 Years Ago

Consumerism and sarcasm with the perfect blend of humor. Nicely done!

Posted 10 Years Ago

funny in a sardonic way ..I liked it.

Posted 11 Years Ago

lolololol This was just the fix I needed dear poet! 'Is this America?' was my first thought on reading the end of the second paragraph!lol My only edit would be omitting 'coffee shop' in the second sentence!lol

Brilliant stuff of starbucks with spleens!lol The ironic narrative is so so funny.

Smiling at you
glad I'm a tea person!


Posted 11 Years Ago

I love the zombie genre, so this was an interesting read for me. Plus, I like the descriptive sentences. Great job.

Posted 11 Years Ago

This was intresting. A nice spin on the zombie craze. However, I think there is some room for improvement with your wording. It's the old "show, don't tell" mantra again.
For example, when you said, "The other customers are not alarmed by his action and continue with their morning routine."
This might be better explained by describing the other customers' reactions- for example, a woman glancing up at him from a paperback book, or a man turning his back.
The end was a bit abrupt and considerably shocking. You may want to expand on that a bit because it opens up a lot of questions; namely was the server human or a zombie, and why aren't the other customers screaming or complaining about the server being killed, and now they're not getting their coffee. And how can he just walk out after that?

Posted 11 Years Ago

This would be funny if it didn't so accurately describe me before my morning coffee!

Posted 11 Years Ago

This was funny! You had me laughing through the whole thing, and smiling. It was interesting to see the "normal day in a life of a zombie"
I don't usually read things about zombies either, but this was cute haha. And pretty creative :) Good job

Posted 11 Years Ago

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31 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on June 27, 2011
Last Updated on August 13, 2012
Tags: Zombie, Coffee Shops, Bad attitudes


Maya Storm
Maya Storm

Montreal , Quebec, Canada

***[ I was away for a while and my 'read requests' are now in the 1000 range, I did not think it possible. I have turned it off for the moment, so if there is something that you need for me to read, .. more..


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