i'm thinking Iceland

#5

these damages were not unforseen

you know i've tried everything

to make you understand

i've been folding winning hands

and taking bullets

i run the gauntlet

for you

and we wont live this legend anymore

because we're dead,dead in the water 

in the muck pile no one will ever know what we had,

do you even know

why should i bother?

classic cut and run

to a far off island

i just want to go 

as far away from mexico

as i can, as i can

i'm thinking Iceland 

and maybe just maybe 

you'll catch up on lost sleep

stop being such a creep

what are you gonna do 

when he follows through

and he's not gonna be so honest?

a sad divergence -

has been coming to you,

maybe then you'll be true

maybe then you'll be true

Reviews

[JayG]

• these damages were not unforseen
Uhhh...what damages? You know. The person this was written about knows. But the one you wrote it for? They can't even guess. And it matters not at all if you clarify later, because "Huh?" once said cannot be retroactively removed.

You had context as you wrote. So it has meaning. Doesn't the reader deserve the same?

• you know i've tried everything
Actually, I don't. I don't know what we're talking about, or what I've done (or who you're talking to if not me).

• i've been folding winning hands
What can this mean to someone who knows neither party, what the line refers to, or the smalllest thing that led to this?

Never lose sight of the fact that the goal isn't to tell the reader things, or talk about how you feel. it's to make them FEEL.

[mercy party]

Thanks for an honest evaluation. I will take what i can from it and work harder. I find what you said to be important. Stay tuned for the next one as it might fill in some blanks. As a writer there can be a fine line between poor character development and suspense. thanks for the tip.

[Lauren Nicks]

I actually really enjoyed this writing. The beautiful thing about poetry (one of the main reasons why I love it) is because you can interpret it any way you like. And I did connect to this in my own way. Job well done :)

[TPK Stories]

Iceland sounds like a good place to be...

[mercy party]

Thank you, it is , you just have to watch out for whooper swans .

[Poetic License]

Once again, you appeal to my heart. I get this, every word. Iceland is nice this time of year, I vacationed there all summer. If takes no time at all to acclimate to its cold. Well done, my friend, as always.

[mercy party]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful and reflective review. I always appreciate knowing that the words succeeded in conveying something.

[Kristina Moulaison]

Oh my god, I've been thinking Iceland too, or Denmark, Norway, Sweden...any place else!! Seriously. You are really good...so glad you found my page. "i've been folding winning hands
and taking bullets"...wonderful!

[mercy party]

i can't say thank you enough! i am glad you stumbled across this one.

[CAPOLAVORO]

I like how you set up the tone. I like how you turn the blaming process into an escaping thing. The thing is just, I can't seem to connect the last stanza into the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. It was really good I must say but this would be better with a smooth delivery of the context like I am expecting this would be a first person poem yet at the end it turns out to be a third person "he" which I do not know who? All in all, well done. Keep writing. :)

[grayscale]

I feel it gives the vibe of song lyrics if put to some amazing violin, but that is just me. A great piece, full of emotion, albeit one-sided.

[mercy party]

thanks for that. it's a song. it's sort of up tempo folk, violin would work for sure. i appreciate the input.

[Diamond]

This poem to me looks like a part of a bigger work. I like the short effective lines. And the emotion expressed is clear.
"in the muck pile no one will ever know what we had,"
The above line is touching.

[mercy party]

it is, and thank you! sorry for the delay.

[andrew mitchell]

An escape is evident here with a lady and running from a third party. I wonder if iceland is the place to hide! Nice write and JayG has some useful hints even for me :)

[mercy party]

Iceland was name Ice-land by Norwegian vikings so it wouldn't sound attractive, this way nobody would covet it.

[andrew mitchell]

i know of this and greenland was not green!

[Sami Khalil]

I guess you have to escape sometimes from it all. Iceland sounds good...Bravo..............

[mercy party]

hey thanks for checking it out! Iceland was named Iceland for that very reason. The story continues...

[Sami Khalil]

OK. Youare welcome continuous/ly......................

[wordman]

sometimes love will drive you crazy,or to iceland,my guess you`re allready there

[mercy party]

dont tell anyone! thanks man.

[Farhan Shaikh]

This is really a very good poem to read...well penned

[mercy party]

thank you for checking it out.