Stumbling

Playing around with imagery...

In the distance two men stumbled down the street. As they approached, their feet crisscrossed each other as they zigzagged from curb to curb. The rain had made the city look glossy and the hoods from their rain covered jackets were up. Catching up to the other man one made a gesture to indicate that he was travelling in the same direction. The men soon were linked together shoulder to shoulder and continued down the rain soaked streets. I couldn’t help but light up at seeing this. Here these men were, strangers... partnering together to alleviate each others stumbling. Despite their efforts, However… they stumbled no less than they had before. Their silhouettes swaying together back and forth. I couldn’t help but put their struggle to my own. Lately, I had been stumbling… tethering myself to others who stumbled around me. I could see myself in that moment as their image started to fade several streets down…

Reviews

[Octavia]

You describe observing the scene here quite well. It makes me wonder what it might be like to *be* one of the stumbling men. How might you describe the scenario differently? What small details could you put into the observation scene if the character has actually experienced this?

I do like the way the narrator reflects on the metaphorical implications of the scene at the end.

All of your work feels like it comes from a long distance to me, as if the writer is very separate from his characters. For example: "As they approached, It was clear that their stumbling had been caused by heavy drinking." This is a statement, not a description. I have an alcoholic character in one of my books and at one point he is having a fight with his daughter. I don't mention the word "drunk" for the first half of the fight - instead I make him unusually belligerent and then have her notice the smell of alcohol. People don't wear signs that say "intoxicated," rather we notice the details and eventually put them together.

Anyway, once again I find myself being a little tough on your work. I hope you will forgive. Believe me that I would not keep coming back to read it if I didn't enjoy it!

Thank you as always for sharing.

[miahstr]

Hey Octavia!!
As always, I look forward to what you think! I think you are right. I had this thought the other day when I saw someone stumbling down the street after what appeared to be a drunken night. I think though in execution it didn't come out as well as I imagined. I am reworking it. Thank you as always for reading! You are wonderful!
Cheers
miahstr