Chapter 1
I
John said he would never forget that moment when he first saw her. Sara was mixing herself a drink when John walked into the kitchen. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. When asked what he first noticed about Sara he would reply, “my god, what a face and a smile. It was like a smooth cognac and fine cigar, they were perfect together.” Sara swears, “he was so drunk he couldn’t see. If he did see me, he saw three of me.” When she told the story of their meeting she remembered him barely standing up, “but he had the most gentle eyes hiding behind that wavy brown hair.”
The summer after John graduated, they were married. That fall, he took a job teaching literature at a private school in Oxford. After graduation she took a job working at Square Books. Neither John nor Sara’s parents believed they would survive, but John and Sara had the faith and confidence that they would.
Teaching didn’t pay a lot, but it took care of their bills. They used her salary as their “entertainment” money. Those first years of marriage were sweet; though finances were tight. After a couple of years John considered finding another job. Though he loved teaching, he felt they needed more money.
During this time, their life began to change. Sara had been writing poetry since she was in high school. Her dream was to one day have her poetry published. During her junior year of Ole Miss, Sara began sending her poems to different literary agents. She saved every rejection letter she received, and over time those letters filled up an entire notebook. Undaunted, she continued to write and send her poems to other agents. At the age of twenty-seven, her persistence paid off. Sara received a letter from an agent in New York asking to see more of her work. That agent contacted her a couple of months later saying she believed in Sara’s writing and offered Sara her representation. Six months later, Sara had a publishing contract. The dream of her poetry being published had finally come true.
John, a short story writer, didn’t start taking his writing serious until he started teaching. He used life and time as an excuse for not writing as much. With summers off and Sara’s discipline of writing everyday; John began writing more. Writing short stories came easy to him. By the age of thirty-two, fifty of his stories had been published in magazines across the country. A year later his first collection of short stories were published, he quit teaching, and they were ready to fulfill one last dream.
After a year of trying to conceive, John and Sara went to a doctor to undergo tests to discover if there was a problem. When the doctor called them into his office and told them John was infertile, the first thing in his mind as he lowered his head into his hands was he had failed the woman he loves. On the way home from the doctor’s office they said nothing. Sara wanted so badly to say something to comfort him and to tell him she loved him. John wanted to tell her he was sorry he failed her. It was the first time words had ever failed the two writers.
John buried himself in his writing. He would spend most of the day in bed and most of the night in their office writing. Every short story he wrote, during this time, was possessed by the darkness that had engulf his heart. Before the news of his infertility, they shared their writing with one another, but that had changed. When he was finished he would lock the story away in a drawer. There were nights when Sara would walk to the door of their office and hear him pounding the desk and ripping paper. When she would grab the doorknob to go in it was always locked.
Sara started going to a support group once a week. The first time she asked John to go he walked away. At the meetings Sara found she wasn’t alone. She befriended a few women from the group and sought their advice on what she could do to help her husband. Their only advice was to wait for him while he worked through his own anger and hurt. With each new week Sara’s faith grew stronger. Sara never ceased in asking John to go with her. She had never been a quitter and as hard as it was she would never quit waiting.
One morning as they were sitting at the kitchen table quietly pouring maple syrup over their toasted waffles Sara told John that just like she had not given up on her dream of being a published writer, she wasn’t giving up on him and she wasn’t giving up on her dream of having a child. “John, one way or another we will have a child.”
John stood up from the table knocking over his chair, turned, and walked to the bedroom without saying a word. He slammed the bedroom door behind him and fell down on the bed. John buried his head in her pillow wanting to scream but he couldn’t. With his head on her pillow he could smell the sweetness of her hair and he remembered the first time he ever held her.
It was their first date. John couldn’t stop fidgeting. As he was driving to pick her up he kept going through his mind all the things they could talk about. He had decided to take her to a little bar with live music. This made him even more nervous because he had never stepped foot on the dance floor. When they got to the bar he had a couple of beers, hoping it would calm his nerves, but it didn’t help. Sara sat caressing her glass of wine while listening to the band waiting for him to ask her to dance. They sat at the table through a couple more songs and he kept watching her fingers tapping the table. The band started playing the song, Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton. John stood up to take Sara by the hand and lead her to the dance floor. Upon standing he bumped the table with his knee and almost spilled her vodka tonic into her lap. His first instinct was to sit back down, as he did, Sara grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor. Knowing he was scared, she pulled his head down next to hers and whispered in his ear, “just follow my lead.”
John pulled himself up from the bed and walked back to the kitchen where Sara was sitting thumbing through a magazine. When he entered she glanced up for a second, long enough to see the fear in his eyes. John walked over to her and knelt down beside her. Sara turned in her chair to face him, when she did he pulled her head down next to his.
She wanted to speak but she waited.
He whispered, “I’m sorry because I feel like I have failed you.” He could feel her tears on his face.
“All this time I was searching for some strength, some faith to grasp hold of and it wasn’t until a few minutes ago that I realized you are my strength.” Sara didn’t say a word. She just pulled him closer and held him tight in her arms.
II
Ashley, with hands trembling, sat in her car outside the doctor’s office. She thought of her parents and began to cry. What would they think? Disappointment was a given. Anger was expected. Worse of all, her parent’s pride in their daughter turning into embarrassment was something she was sure she couldn’t handle. Ashley imagined her father, a deacon in one of the local Baptist churches, having to answer questions from the pharisaical church members on how this could happen to such a good family. Then of her mother having to deal with the judgmental stares and whispers of the other women in the church and the community. Would they blame themselves?
She thought of the plans she had been working towards for four years. Ashley was captain of the varsity cheerleading squad, president of the student council, and valedictorian of her class. She was one month from graduating and had already received numerous scholarship offers from schools across the state of Tennessee and the South. Ashley thought about what her friends and her teachers would think if they found out.
Then there was Nick. She pounded the steering wheel with her hands wanting to scream. They had met at a church function and began dating not long after. Nick was sweet, made her laugh, and her parent’s adored him. Ashley felt she had finally found true love.
Six weeks before the doctor’s visit Nick and Ashley had been to a party at one of his college buddy’s house. Knowing that Ashley hardly ever drank, he told her that there would be alcohol at the party but she didn’t have to drink if she didn’t want to. Not wanting to feel out of place or Nick’s friends thinking she was a prude, she had a few fruity drinks while Nick drank Jack and coke. When the party was over Ashley was nervous about her or Nick driving home. Nick’s friend told them that they could stay in the guest bedroom for the night. When they woke up the next morning Nick drove Ashley home. That was the last time she saw or heard from him.
Through the anger, fear, and tears, she could still hear Nick’s voice as he said he loved her that night. Ashley remembered how her heart leapt when he said those words, and how he broke it the next day. She couldn’t believe how naive she had been to believe him. Ashley had become a teen pregnancy statistic because of a lie she believed for one night.
Driving home she went through all the options her doctor had given her. By the time she arrived at her house she knew exactly what she was going to do. When she got to her bedroom she called Rachel and asked her to meet her at the park in half an hour. Ashley and Rachel had been best friends since elementary school. They grew up in the same church and their parents were best friends. If there was anyone she trusted it was Rachel. Ashley told Rachel everything that afternoon. They both knew it was a secret that would be tough to hide but it was the best plan Ashley could come up with at the time. At the end of the conversation the two friends hugged one another. Ashley left the park that evening confident that Rachel would see the plan through till the end.
Three weeks later Ashley and Rachel graduated from high school. Two months after graduation they moved to Memphis into an apartment near the university they would be attending in the fall. Before she moved, Ashley’s parent’s began to notice a change in their daughter’s weight but didn’t given it much thought. The girls knew the difficult part of the plan was just beginning. Soon their parents were asking why they hadn’t been home to visit. Both gave their parents the same excuse, “we’re just busy settling in to the apartment and getting things ready for school.”
When school started Ashley called her parent’s every day, if not two or three times a day. Ashley kept them up to speed on her busy schedule and college life. As tempted as they were to go see their daughter, Ashley’s parents decided it was best to let her enjoy her independence. She couldn’t believe it, somehow her plan was working.
Ashley could feel the child inside of her growing. Rachel was there every step of the way. She went to every doctor’s appointment and lamaze class. Rachel was in the room the day the doctor showed Ashley a sonogram and told her she was having a girl. When Ashley had a weird craving, Rachel would go to the store to get her whatever she wanted. They often joked with one another that they were the resident lesbian couple who were having a baby.
Ashley’s due date, December 4th, was a month away. The week after the baby was due they had semester finals and the week before the due date was Thanksgiving break. Dealing with their semester finals was easy. They had already made arrangements with their professors to take their tests, but neither one had come up with a plausible excuse for not coming home during the Thanksgiving holiday. That is until Rachel remembered a flier she had seen on the announcement board in the administration building.
The excuse was not only plausible, but it was a lie that would make their parents proud their daughters were missing Thanksgiving with their family. When their parents asked them why they had not told them about the mission trip with the Baptist Student Union, Rachel and Ashley acted as though they had and then talked about how busy they had been with school. They weren’t proud of the fact they were lying to their parents, but it was hard for them not to be proud of that one. They weren’t lying when they told their parents they were busy. Being a full time college student was a busy lifestyle, and add to it being pregnant, or helping take care your best friend who was pregnant, only made it worse.
The past seven months had not been easy for either one of them. Classes were difficult with more homework than high school. While other college freshmen were at sorority and fraternity parties, Ashley and Rachel were at their apartment. When other girls were meeting guys or going on dates, they were at doctor appointments. Both had made sacrifices. One girl’s sacrifice was the result of two choices she had made. The choice she made the night she thought she was in love and the choice not to abort the baby inside her. The other girl’s sacrifice was based on her love for her best friend.
Ashley went into delivery the night before Thanksgiving. In the early morning hours of Thanksgiving Day she gave birth to a baby girl. The week before, Ashley gave Rachel some final instructions for when the baby was born. When the nurse handed Ashley her baby to hold and asked what name she had chosen for the child, Rachel answered that one had not been chosen yet. After the nurses left the room Ashley started crying and whispered into the baby’s ear that she was sorry. She then handed the baby to Rachel. Rachel held the child and said nothing.
When the doctor came in the next day Ashley was sitting on the bed holding the baby. Rachel immediately got up, walked over picked up their bags, and walked out of the room. The doctor already knew what was happening. Ashley had talked to him about her plan the first time she met with him. As she handed him the baby, he handed her the identification number that had been assigned to the child. He then reminded her that she would lose right to reclaim the baby after 30 - 90 days. Ashley stood up and shook her head to let him know she understood. As she passed by the doctor headed for the door, Ashley leaned over and kissed the child on the forehead. She then looked into the eyes that were just like hers and whispered, “you may never understand, but I’m only doing what I think is right.”
III
After discussing their options with their physician and weeks of research, John and Sara decided to adopt. They talked to other couples who had adopted, read literature about the process, and talked to different adoption agencies and attorneys. John and Sara chose to apply to adopt through an attorney. The next five months they underwent a “homestudy.” Their personal and family background was investigated. The social worker asked them questions about their marriage and family relationships, their motivation to adopt, expectations for the child, feelings about John’s infertility, parenting, health history, finances, and education. Friends and family were asked questions about John and Sara. It was a long process, and they knew the wait that might be involved but John and Sara were determined to have a child.
Eleven months later the waiting ended. The moment John and Sara saw her, they loved her. When the baby opened her eyes and they saw those huge dimples smiling back at them, they knew she was their child. They named her Emmy Grace.
*****************
One rainy April morning, John was sitting on the front porch enjoying the spring rain when Emmy walked out of the house and crawled up into his lap. He couldn’t believe how much she had grown in four years, and her dimples never changed. There were a few minutes of silence. Then Emmy let out a sigh and looked up at John.
“Daddy,” she asked, “where does rain come from?”
Smiling, “Honey, rain drops are nothing more than drops of God’s sweat.”
Emmy thought for a second, “But daddy, why does God sweat? He not have air-conditioning in Heaven?”
John laughed, “yeah baby, God has air-conditioning. You see, God loves beauty and He cares a whole lot about the beauty of the things He made.” John tapped Emmy on the head, “Like you. And He cares so much about this beauty that He works hard to make everything beautiful.”
John, with Emmy in his arms, walked off the porch and began to dance with her in the rain as he hummed in her ear. When he stopped humming he said, “Emmy, every time it rains, be sure you try to catch at least a drop of rain in your mouth.” John then leaned his head back, and caught the falling sweat of God in his mouth.
“Why daddy?” she asked.
“The more rain you catch, the more beauty you will be able to see and create in the world because you will have the sweat of God inside of you.”
Emmy leaned her head back, amazed at the beauty of the rain. She never forgot that day. From that day on, any time it rained, she would lean her head back and do just as her father had told her to do on that April morning.
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