Life in other words

I watch as the beautiful furious red beads form on my skin. They show me what I can not show myself. What I silently can not show others. I put my “things” away in a beautifully knit clutch purse. Making sure I hide my little secret one more time. Making sure no one knows anything as I keep my secret closed up in myself.

My face is tear stained and sticky. Right now I yearn to have a kiss with death. To just end what can not blossom. Can not grow. There is no point in living in a world where no one listens. No one cares and everyone stays blind to the truths hidden beneath the surface. I look down at my skin. The canvas I use to show silently what I can not. The small shallow little red marks tell a story. A story of my beginning and my end that will always be.

I look away and stare into the grimy little square mirror. I see my face. My plain brown hair my boring features drowned with melted black eyeliner. I look away. Not even my own room is my haven of safety anymore. The only safety I posses to me is a small shiny object. I sulk down to the ground. I can hear through the thin walls as my unconventional mother waits hand and foot on my newly becoming step father. Oh how I am cornered in this hell. How to escape? I know not.

I tightly pull up my grudy black converse. I fix my makeup and start the day all over again. I wonder if today the girl I call my best friend will stay un-noticed. If the entire world will just stay un-noticed while I countdown the days forthcoming silently to myself. The day I will welcome with open arms.

I walk through the heavy metal doors. I see people talking, smiling, laughing with their friends. All ready awaiting the grueling school day. As I walk down the hall I see Natalie and Courtney standing there with their boyfriends. We used to be best friends but over the months we’ve grown apart. But I feel it turned out cold. I walk into the stuffy hot room. The heat surrounds me ferociously. I feel nauseated.

 

 I put my binder down on the fake wooden table and look around and spot Marissa. I walk lightly over to her as she beckons me into the bustling hallway. She stands there with her hand on her hip looking at me aggravated. “Alex , look at him”, she says pointing with digust.

 

I look around through the people. And then I spot Sebastian. This is who she is talking about. He leans against Felicity Watkins’s locker flirting with fiery intent in his fox like eyes. He found his prey and now he strikes again. I walk coldly away from Marissa. She knows after everything he has done I really just don't care anymore.   

 

I walk in and sit down at my table in my homeroom class. Natalie obediently sits by my side. She yearns not to lose me as a friend but yet she still stays a fair distance away from getting close to me. I feel the tension surging between us as we sit together. Slowly I fade into my mind. Going completely blank.

 

Painfully I fade back. Realizing it’s already 4^th period and miraculously I’ve made it through three periods without knowing. I carelessly walk to room 149. Health with Miss Clarette. I walk in 5 minutes late. “Thank you for joining us Alex”, Miss Clarette says bitterly. I take a seat next to Marissa. She pushes a note towards me;

 

“Alex where were you? UGH, never mind that. HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW KID? He is SO gorgeous!!!” the note reads.

 

I shake my head towards her. She points to the back. I sneak a sly glance, but he’s already looking at me. His eyes are filled with curiosity. I look away and try and forget about him, but there is something about his intense crystal blue eyes that makes me want to know more. I shake my head trying to shake off that curious stare that fills my mind, I messily write back to Marissa;

 

“Well whatever, I’m skipping after this, ok?”

 

She nods to me and looks forward pretending to listen as Clarrette eyes us suspiciously. I look out the window. Not even trying to pretend.

 

Time passes me by. The alarming bell rings rigidly. I throw my chair back and walk out of the room passing all the grotesque people that consume this hell. I step out into the wet parking lot. I push in my ear buds to block everything around me. I walk home slowly. Making every step last a moment. 20 minutes later I enter my house. My mother turns towards me and points at a basket full of laundry. I look at her blankly.

 

“Why the hell are these not done, you were supposed to do this yesterday. You promised. I ask so little of you and you still cop an attitude with me. I feel so, so disrespected”, she yells at me.

 

I walk away from her. I don’t feel like dealing with her at this moment. “You’re such an ungrateful brat, why are you still here?” she yells down the hall towards me. “Why am I still here?” I silently ask myself. I start to crave something I should not as the numbness consumes my body with hatred. I can not take the numbing pain anymore.

 

 I race towards the one thing that keeps me sane yet slowly consumes my mind. I carve into my skin what words can not express. As the little red beads form above my skin I let out a sigh of safety. Of content. I take a blood stained cloth from the little bag and slowly put pressure on my newly met scars that will form.  

 

I slouch against the pale white wall. I cradle my legs in my arms rocking myself slowly to escape reality. Soon I can’t take it any longer, so I lock my door and crawl out of my window.

 

I walk to the ghostly lone park. I look towards the swings. And then I remember what I care to forget but most of all what I wish was here. Who I wish was here. I let out a slow gasp as I fall to my knees. "Caleb where are you” I silently say to the world. Oh how I miss his scent of Axe and sweat. His warm touch that could make me smile on the worst of days. The secret he shared to me on that hate filled night. How I yearn to kiss him, hug him, hold him just one more time.

 

I try and push back the pain of losing him. I push my self up. I feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach a thousand times. It starts raining heavily but I can’t help but mix my tears with the soggy rain. The storm comes harder without apologies. I sit down on the swing. Ignoring the weather I sit there, waiting for him to consume my mind. Even though I know he will not. I don’t dare go back home. I don’t dare leave. I try and picture his soft smiling face looking at me. But I can not. It is blocked with agony and pain. The pain of falling in love but the agony of being broken.

 

I get off the cold wet swing. I move my legs even though I can’t feel them. I slowly walk home. I climb through my window and collapse onto my bed. I dream of nothing. Just a dark black hole that consumes me everyday. I dream it and I live it. Do I ever escape this torture I’ve been condemned to?

 

 

I wake up to buzzing. My legs ache as I get up to grab my phone on my dresser across my room. My now dry jeans lay hard on my legs from the mud and rain that thickly cakes them. I grab my slick orange enV. A text message from Marissa sits blinking on my screen. I flip open the phone to read it;

 

 

Get your a*s up, meet me at the mall at 11      

you better fricking be there or ima kick your a*s!!

-Issa Darling-

 

 

I throw the blankets off of myself. It’s already 10:00. I jog to the bathroom. I step in the steamy warm shower letting the hot water touch my hair with gentleness. I tilt my face up allowing warm wet beads to hit my face. I grab for the bottle of Aussie shampoo. The sweet aroma of berries and flowers fill my senses. I hastily wash my hair. As soon as I finish I quickly dry and straighten it.

 

 

 I slip on a pair of washed out dark blue skinny jeans and a black Burden of a Day t-shirt. I messily put on some black eyeliner and eye shadow. I slip on my faded black sharpie stained converse and head towards the bus stop.

 

The slow walk to the bus stop isn’t far but I make it just soon enough that I don’t miss it. As I walk onto the bus I scramble to find a seat in the back away from everyone else.

 

The geometrical patterned commercial seats are as uncomfortable as ever. The sloppy movement of the bus ride makes me queasy, but I’m too distracted by the harsh buzzing of my cell phone to notice enough. I don’t know who is calling me over and over and I don’t care to know.

 

I quickly spot the mall through the mud stained windows of the bus. I slowly walk off the bus heading towards the group of people I call friends. Marissa stands waiting outside talking away with Anissa, Blake, and the new guy. I slowly walk up to them.

 

“FINALLY. You’re fricking here. Alex this is Kevin, Kevin this is Alex. GOD where were you?”               

“Sorry I woke up late!”                                                         “Well whatever, Anissa lets go to Pac Sun.”

 

 

 

Anissa, Marissa and Blake walk off leaving me there with Kevin in the front of the mall. I shake my head and walk into the mall and over to the food court to get a smoothie. Kevin runs to my side.

 

 

 

 

 “Hey I’m Kevin”                                           

“Yeah I know, why you aren’t going with Marissa and Anissa and um Blake?”                       

“Well because I’m hungry and you’re going to the food court too”, he says curtly  

                    

 

 He quickly walks ahead of me to Starbucks. I try to ignore his cockiness. Instead I walk past him heading to Spencers. I walk into the dark store. I look around at the band t-shirts that line the walls. Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Bring Me the Horizon; All shirts I already own.

 

 

 

“Hey”, Kevin says standing beside me holding a smoothie and a coffee. “Here”, he says pushing the pink drink towards me. I kindly take it “thanks, how did yo..”, I was cut off by him walking away from me. I stare blankly at the back of his dark red shirt. Well what was I to expect, kindness maybe? I walk towards him as my cell phone goes off. He turns around, my phone goes off loudly screaming Darling by Eyes Set to Kill. I quickly answer it,

 

 

“Hello” I say awkwardly             

 

“Hello, this is Kay Jewelers calling for a Miss Alex Bennett, I have a pendent that has been in with your name on it. Everything is paid for so it just needs to be picked up!” the woman says sounding annoyed;   

                

 

 “Ok, I’ll just um, come pick it up now. Thanks!?”                 

The phone goes dead. I don’t ever remember buying a pendent from Kay Jewelers let alone any jewelry store. I walk down the mall to Kay Jewelry.  I swiftly enter the store. Anxiously I walk over to the counter.

 

 

 

 “Hi, I have something that was called in for me!” I say 

“What’s your name, Hun” the cashier says to me as she smacks her gum.                   

“Alex, Alex Bennett” I say forcefully trying to get to the point.

 

 

The women hands me a small little black box. I open it. It’s a little pink diamond encrusted locket. I open the little silver heart, it says “I love you Alex, forever yours-Caleb” elegantly engraved in the gleaming silver. I feel my face start to flush as I hold the little locket in my hands.

 

My lip starts to quiver I slowly ask “When was this ordered?” “Oh well it was ordered about six months ago but no one ever came to pick it up, so we called the second number” she says looking down at the paperwork.

 

I don't quite know how to react. I feel my body going numb into pain. I feel my breathing deepening. I turn around looking at the ground. I see a pair of black chucks as I slowly scan up the body that the dingy shoes belong to. I look up more seeing gray skinny jeans loosely hug his frame that connects to a red shirt.

 

I almost think for a brief second that it's Caleb. He's come back from deaths grip for me. But as I look up farther the blood red t-shirt connects to a black haired blue eyed Kevin. Not a lovely brown haired brown eyed Caleb that I leave so entangled in my memory. My stomach drops as my dream of Caleb being alive shatters.  

 

 

I run past Kevin right as he grabs my arm. I shake him off. His warming touch makes me uncomfortable. I run away, running away through the labyrinth like mall trying to escape into the soggy outside. I throw my self outside the mall doors. I breathe heavily as I quickly open my hand to see the locket that caused all this disarray. The beautiful little charm gleams in the suns intoxicating rays innocently. I sigh and start to walk home from the mall as I hear footsteps running to me.

 

 

“Hey, you with the face. Where do you think your going?” Marissa says

I roll my eyes and turn around. “I’m just going home. I’m really tired that’s all.”

 

 

“Well ok, I guess I’ll see you later. Call me!?” She says with a sad smile knowing the real reason I'm leaving early. I know Caleb’s death ruined us all, but never has Marissa reacted. Sometimes I wonder if it hurt her worst of all. 

 

I slowly walk home. Making sure I don't get there too soon or too late. I'm going through my mind, wondering why today of all days this would happen. The day I meet Kevin. The day stepping towards recovering from a death that is almost unrecoverable from. Why when everytime I think I may just be getting better something worse happens.

 

I walk along main street watching the many new cars go by. Seeing other girls laughing and smiling with their friends, boyfriends, parents, siblings. While I walk here alone. Friendless, boyfriendless, parentless, siblingless. I don't envy them for what they have and what I don't. I envy them for being happy. For being able to smile without faking it. How I yearn to smile without hiding a cry deep within myself.

 

~I turn the corner heading on to Couburg Road. I can see the sun setting, I know it doesn't matter if I'm late. But right now I just wish to be home.

 

I hear the tapping of my converse on the damp sidewalk match the steady beats of my heart as I walk home, the sound makes me start thinking of Caleb, I try not to think of him, but then again I do. You can't help but think about him. I remember is longish straight brown hair that match his eyes perfect chocolatey brown eyes. Those eyes that use to smile at me on the worst of days. How could they be here and then gone, just like that? I will never know. The world will never know!

 

It starts pouring down rain like it usually does in the soggy Oregon city. My thin jacket is soon soaked. I run, cutting through the mushy wet grass heading towards my small apartment I call hell. I crash through the front door, I quickly slosh away to my room.

 

I shut the door behind me as I hastily start stripping off my soaking wet clothes.Stripped down to only a bra and panties I accidentally catch a glance of myself in the full length mirror that devilishly sits there in the corner of the room mocking me. All I see are hate filled red lines that sit there painted against my pale white-pink skin. They glare at me through the reflection that the mirror be holds.

 

My knees grow weak as I fall down to the ground. How I have done this damage to myself, I know not. I cry into my frigid cold hands. How do you escape from yourself? Every where I turn I can not run. I can not run from the damage I have caused. From the damage others have caused. I reach for the one thing that makes me feel for a moment that I am safe.

 

I slice into my skin. Creating more lines that drip, slowly taunting me to do more and more. But soon enough I can not. I drop the shiny splattered object. I quickly grab a towel to cover the destruction I have once again caused. My legs and arms sit there, splattered red and wet. The wounds sting as the blood drips down my skin.

 

I spiral downward in my mind going numb from the world. From memories and reality I go numb from. Soon I am numb from myself. I drift off, fainting from the reality that urges to leave my mind.

 

 

Reviews

[Ana:D]

i like this :))

[Misa]

BTW...There will be more chapters. Mine are just really long!

[Alisha.]

hehe Awesom.
Emo kids huh? I NEED TO KNOW MORE!!
I quite like it.
CONTINUE!!!!!!!