click, click, click

self-explanatory

click, click, click

 

the sound of her heels make a soothing click on the sidewalk

reminding her that she is still moving, still going some place

her red peacoat tied neatly at the waist paired with shiny black shoes

her auburn locks neatly tucked into a bun with only a few strands

so neatly out of place it looks meant to be (and it is)

she is the epitome of perfection with an air of confidence

just pretty enough to be noticed in a good sort of way

isn't that what everyone wants? smart, foward-moving, and driven?

it is all she seems to the outside world where even friends are strangers

 

don't step on the cracks, you'll break your mother's back

where am i going? no where, that's where. i know the truth.

i know what no one else knows or at least what they won't say

i'm damaged goods and was from the start

worthless with no common sense, who wants that?

have i ever in my life done something right?

have i ever not made mistakes? that's me. the walking mistake.

 

click, click, click

 

the cool autumn air surrounds her but she has felt cold for so long

she moves forward, around those moving slower, apologizing for her speed

though it has always been her nature to move so much quicker

even where there is no hurry or point, no place to go, no reason to get there

she keeps her chin up, always, and smiles at the cute children, the elderly,

the ones she passes who just ooze that "i'm having a bad day" feeling

she pities them and wishes them the best, for no one deserves to suffer

she notes the beautiful suit, the woman with the great hairstyle,

the man with the smile and shiny platinum ring on his finger

 

don't step on the cracks, shall you wish to break your own back

so happy this one, so sad the next, do they fear every day and fake a smile?

do they ever just wish that someone could understand?

am i the only one who once thought i could be a regal skyscraper,

once admired and respected by myself, now detonated and ruined?

am i the only one who is held together by day and who's inner monster

comes creeping through the seams by the dark of night?

 

click, click

 

she tears the memories apart in her head, over and over, to throw them away

she smiles weakly again and again, a few more hairs coming loose from the bun

the glow of her cheek fading with each step to a paler, sickly white

her hands jam into her pockets, shaking from the cold outside

shaking from the cold inside, and her body numbed in so many other ways too

stray leaves of golden shades dance across the sidewalk like happy children

bringing her back to earth, to the here and now, and she thinks

of all those who delight in the season, playing outside, lighting pumpkin candles

and sitting by a fireplace and telling family stories, sipping mom's cider

 

step on the cracks, all of them, you're already broken

f*****g worthless b***h, useless to everyone, useless to me

you'll never do anything right, never be successful, because you are you

i need to quit pretending to be someone who can actually think!

i can't think. maybe i can, i just think all wrong. i'm just not smart enough.

just not good enough. not pretty enough. not nice enough. definitely not nice.

i'm a lie, a walking lie. i walking joke. a shell of a real, loveable person.

 

click.

 

in her house hangs pictures, beautiful pictures with precious, smiling faces.

in her house hangs a degree, a top student in her graduating class.

they said she had a really promising future and would be one of the best.

in her house hangs her favorite clothes, and her favorite books are on her desk.

in her house she sometimes dances, when her memory is replaced with imagination.

in her house she hides her fears, her memories, the broken pieces of dreams,

the voices that told her the truth about who she really is and really isn't.

the voices that play over and again, like a broken record on a high shelf

no ladder in the world can reach and no inner voice can squelch.

 

will there come a time when i can't hide what i am from everyone i know?

will there come a time when those who think i might be something,

think i might be something special even, good and nice,

will there come a time where they see me in that way, the real way,

the way i've finally acknowledged once and for all? what will they say?

will they hate me too, despise me, look at me with disgust, turn away?

i guess i just have to keep waiting, keep walking, for i know that day is on it's way.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Mr. Lopez]

I liked the internal and external examination of self. Often in life we will not live up to what others expect of us and in some cases what we expect of ourselves. This poem expresses an inner battle that can pull at our insides. There was self pity mixed with hope and inner strength. I'm reminded of the little train that could. I like seeing in the end you will. Nice work.

Mr.Lopez

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

Interesting write. Walking through life searching for answers, while trying to live up to the illusion. Wonering how the world sees you while at the same time knowing who you are. Still wondering about the lives that pass you.

Well expressed, a poem of reflections. Words flow nicely across the page.

good write.