Underneath

As I watch through the foggy glass, I see so many people laughing and smiling. They're lives are so filled with joy - their dark pasts have been pushed back and they've all moved onward. I watch, and wish with all heart and soul that I could be with them; able to push everything behind me and know I won't ever have to think about it again. But this glass, this haze separates me from them.

What do I have to do in order to push forward? To be among the smiling faces - Hide the pain and the fear? The fear of loss? Loss, chills me like the freezing rain as it mingles with the tear stains on my cheeks. So I push myself away from the fog, and take in a stabling breath before putting up the walls that surround me, and adjusting the mask over my face that hides the scars from the years of pain.

I close my eyes, keeping everything pulled behind the walls and the mask - It's smoothed over and I can feel it raging inside to get out again. But I hold my breath and wait for it to subside. For the memories to stop licking at my heart like fire, leaving razor-like cuts and wounds. And like a soothing rain, the tears leak through my mask and wash away the memory-fire. Putting it to a warm glow of embers, just waiting to rage up again.

Brushing away the tears and putting on my finest smile, I move toward the fogged glass and place a hand on it and watch as it shatters at my touch. Stepping through the opening - glass under my feet, I make my way out among the gathering of people to find my place. They all smile at me and I feel as if my mask is slipping, but they don't take notice. It seems as if once again, my mask has served it's purpose.