Jimmy Reno, the World's Worst Comedian

The life of the party, at least in his own mind!

 

Jimmy Reno, The World’s

Worst Comedian

By Mike Stevens

 

     The venue was packed; Jimmy Reno gazed out with lots of butterflies on the 

overflow crowd.  After all the nervous fake laughter, all the pained looks, all the 

ridicule by friends and family; he would prove himself.  They would all find out just 

how funny he actually was when they witnessed a crowd of mostly complete strangers

laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.  His friends and family wouldn’t know 

funny if it took a dump in their shoe.  That summed up his feelings perfectly, and 

would make a funny joke, they wouldn’t know funny if it took a dump in their shoe!  

He’d work that joke into his routine.  He was about to take the stage at the big 

‘Joke-Off’ which was where amateur comedians competed for a 1^st place prize of 

$1,000.  Jimmy almost felt sorry for the other comedians; because once he took the 

stage their jokes would seem pathetic.

 

 

     It was finally his turn.  He’d had to endure hearing several people who had no clue,

they were totally unfunny. Compared to these losers he would be an absolute scream.

He heard the announcer say,

 

     “Next, we have a very funny gentleman.  Say hello to Jimmy Reno!” 

 

     Jimmy took the stage, grabbed the microphone, and looked out on the audience.  

He felt nothing but terror, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t funny.  “Thank you, 

people!  It’s great to be here.  I just flew in from Chicago, and boy, are my back and 

shoulders ever sore!” 

 

     Nothing but embarrassed, nervous silence greeted Jimmy. 

    

     “You know, from flapping; hello?  Is this mike even on?  I was at a restaurant the 

other day, and an acquaintance of mine spotted me and came up and asked “Mind if 

I join you?”  I said, “Why, am I coming apart?” 

 

     All that Jimmy heard was feedback from the microphone amplifier.  “EEEEEEEE!”  

Those were his two best jokes; it sure was a tough crowd.  It was time to hit them with 

his new joke. 

 

     “This horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, why the long fac---” 

 

       Then, he couldn’t believe what happened next.  Suddenly he couldn’t breathe 

and he was being pulled sideways.  He looked down to see a hook wrapped around 

his neck, pulling him offstage.  He had seen that happen only in cartoons.  When he 

had been pulled all the way offstage he looked angrily around for the person responsible 

for this outrage.  The owner of the club stood holding the hook.

 

     “Say man, what’s the big idea?  I was competing for a $1,000 dollar prize!” 

 

     The owner said, “Pal, with jokes as terrible as yours I had to do something to keep the 

people from leaving, because your act blew!  As for the $1,000 bucks, you should be 

paying us for having to endure your so-called ‘jokes’.” 

 

     Jimmy was super-hacked.  “Oh yeah, jerk?  Let me tell you something, you wouldn’t 

know funny if it took a dump in your shoe!”

 

 

     Jimmy Reno was still hacked.  A hook, for Pete sake!  He didn’t know anyone, outside of a

cartoon character, who had been dragged offstage with a hook.  That comedy club owner.

If Jimmy’s act blew, then pigs could fly!  Jimmy might not know much, but he knew funny, and 

he would prove it.  Tonight he was taking the stage of a different comedy club’s amateur night 

to show everyone he knew what was humorous.  Then once he had gone over huge and the 

other club’s owner came to him, begging him on his knees, Jimmy would simply tell him to,  

   

     “Talk to the hand, ‘cause the ears don’t want to hear it!”  Jimmy was really digging that 

fantasy and snapped out of it just in time to hear,

 

     “…hands together for, Jimmy Reno!” 

 

 

     As he walked onstage under the blinding spotlights, Jimmy panicked and tried his damnedest to remember his jokes.  Oh, crap, he could not remember which punch-line went with which joke!  He started speaking into the microphone, all the while trying to remember. 

 

     “How y’all doing tonight?  Y’all ready for a good laugh?” 

 

     From the crowd he heard, “No s**t, pal?  Do you know someone that can do that?” 

 

     “Oh great, a drunk-off-his-a** heckler that thinks he’s so clever.  Yeah pal, I remember my first beer, too!” said Jimmy.  Hey, that wasn’t bad.  Everybody chuckled.  Jimmy relaxed.  All he had to remember was he was, “Jimmy Reno, The World’s Funniest Comedian!”  “Speaking of beer, this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 

     “Hey, I was off that day!”  He heard only silence and saw only disbelieving stares from 

the audience. 

 

     “You suck pal; you’d know all about off, because that’s your jokes!” 

 

     “Yeah, I remember my first heroin high, too!”  Again, dead silence.  Jimmy Reno 

started sweating. 

 

     “There once was a girl from Nantucket, who had a really long face!” 

 

     “EEEEEEEE!” came the cry of the feedback from his amplifier as it echoed off the 

walls and smacked him in the face.  That was the only sound; no laughing, just feedback.  Jimmy Reno wanted desperately to be away from that stage.  The booing started as he said,

 

     “Thank you; you’ve been a wonderful crowd!  Let me buy everyone another drink.” 

 

     Wild applause and cheering replaced the booing.  Jimmy Reno walked home without 

a cash prize and several hundred bucks lighter in the wallet.  The morons that made up 

the audience; hell, they wouldn’t know funny if it took a dump in their shoe!  See, now that was funny, Jimmy thought to himself, and he started writing his next comedy routine.  By gumbo, he wasn’t about to let a couple of bad nights hold him down.

 

 

     Jimmy Reno knew he was funny, damn it.  If two rooms full of almost all strangers didn’t 

think so, well s***w them!  He had augured into the ground on his two attempts telling jokes to 

an amateur night crowd, but they had been drunk, mean, and confrontational.  They had only been in the mood to heckle, not laugh, but today he had the perfect audience.  Before heading 

to church his entire family had agreed to be his audience for him to try out his new humor-laden puppet show.  Even his parents, who for some strange reason thought he wasn’t the least bit funny and claimed to be offended by his sense of humor, had agreed to watch, after he’d promised to tone down the jokes.  He’d also promised them that if they still thought he wasn’t funny, he’d look for a job.  But he couldn’t imagine them not recognizing his amazing talent for comedy.

 

 

     At last, all 15 members of his family were seated, waiting for the show to begin.  Jimmy announced,

 

     “Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the funniest comedian in the world, Jimmy Reno!” 

 

     Jimmy then grabbed his puppet, which he had named Guffaw, and walked out on the homemade stage he had made out of old plywood, then sat down in a chair and put Guffaw on 

his knee, then said,

 

     “Thank you, people!  What a beautiful crowd.  Say hello to my friend, Guffaw.  Say hello to 

the nice people, Guffaw”. 

 

     In a high-pitched voice, as well as he could manage without moving his lips, he said, “Hello!  Jimmy has told me so much about you!”    

 

     Jimmy said, “Mostly good, I hope?” 

 

     “He told me not to tell about Aunt Lucy making obscene phone calls to different men while Uncle Greg is at work!” answered Guffaw. 

 

     Embarrassed silence.  Well, at least he thought it was funny! 

 

     “Say, Guffaw, did you hear about the hooker who started her own whorehouse?” 

 

     “No, Jimmy, what did you hear about the hooker who started her own whorehouse?” 

 

     “It seems her client all got their eyes poked out and her business went t*** up!” 

 

     His family’s faces turned beet-red with anger and disgusted embarrassment and his mother said,

 

     “Jimmy, you promised to tone down the vulgarity!”  

 

     “What?  I did tone it down.  Instead of focusing on what you think is offensive, listen to the jokes.” 

 

     His mother replied, “The content is vulgar, and the jokes are terrible.  It’s time for you to give up on the comedian thing, and get a real job.”

 

 

          Jimmy Reno flipped the burger and thought about what had transpired.  He’d been forced by his parents, who had no sense of humor, to take this crappy job as a short-order cook at a restaurant to make ends meet.  He had to endure their put-downs of his comic talent because 

he still lived at home.  They might be his parents, but they wouldn’t know funny if it took a dump in their shoe!

 

The End