A Friendship in Travel

“Do not come to help”, Grayce had told him, so Kirmae sat back and enjoyed an excellent show. He had never really intended to assist, as he knew Grayce could easily overcome these odds, and he didn’t even find humans good sport anymore. Also, he knew how his half-elf friend got when denied a fight, so he was perfectly content to sit back and see the display of stunning blade work.

                Grayce was now fighting three of the bandits at once, and Kirmae rarely saw such a wide smile on his friends’ face.  Kirmae knew this wasn’t about killing, as Grayce had never reveled in murder, as vampire kind were so wont to do, but about using a skill that had been worked so hard to perfect. Grayce’s daggers were more akin to close pets rather than weapons, and he had spent the entirety of his short life honing his use of them. This was something Kirmae sympathized extremely well with, and was happy to let Grayce have his fun.

                One of the bandits actually had a proper sword, and even more surprisingly, knew how to use it. He was holding off Grayce’s attacks mildly well. The other two, armed with a club and a well-used spear, were having a more difficult time, and already sported gushing cuts to their forearms. Grayce’s smaller, emerald encrusted razor was a blur, slashing at angles that the bandits couldn’t register before they could’ve realized. The swordsman was blocking Grayce’s other dagger, the one with a skull shaped diamond set into the cross hilt.

                Against nearly any other opponent, Kirmae would have found it pathetic that the swordsman failed to score a hit on someone only using a dagger, let alone occupied with other enemies, but he knew how impossible it was to hit Grayce. The half-elf moved like water, and gave no hint as to his next position. His footwork was so fast and so precise that he could appear beside his opponent before they realized their mistake.

                A wide grin broke across Kirmae’s face as he watched Grayce perform exactly that move, and as promised, before the spearman realized where the assassin had moved to, he was holding the stump of his severed arm. Kirmae held back his revulsion at the sight of blood, which brought back too many horrible memories from his years as a Shadow Fang.

                Seconds after, the bandit with the club found himself lying on the ground, with both lungs punctured. With him down, the swordsman decided that this fight wasn’t worth it, and ran to get help, or probably to hide. His mistake.

                Grayce allowed the man ten steps, and then hesitated, thinking to test his rusty throwing skills.

                Fifteen steps.

                The man was in a full sprint by twenty.

                Grayce threw. The diamond-studded dagger buried itself into the bandits’ spine, directly between the shoulder blades, dropping him on the spot to convulse slightly.

                The half-elf turned to face Kirmae, grinning wildly as the blade pulled itself from the corpse and zoomed to his open hand. He quickly cleaned it on a nearby body and hid it in one of the many spots on his body.

                “Gods, it’s been far too long since we’ve seen proper battle,” he said.

                “Perhaps the just good planning on my part,” Kirmae replied, smiling indulgently.

                “Come off it, you like a proper fight as much as I do, just without the bloodshed.”

                “If possible to avoid combat, I prefer not to give our enemies a chance to kill me,” Kirmae said quietly.

                “What is the point of having abilities like ours if we do not apply them?” Grayce asked.

                “We have our skills because we’ve faced too much adversity. Seeking out that danger just makes you reckless.”

                Grayce shook his head, “You’ve had over a century to fight battles and enjoy them, and can look forward to many more to fight even greater enemies!  I’ve barely had time to understand the skills I have, let alone use them.”

                Kirmae looked to the ground, thinking of the decades he’d spent in combat, with little thought other than proving to his fellow Shadow Fang’s of his ability to kill. Grayce was right, not that he would admit it. He used to yearn for a chance to fight, always seeking adversaries of prowess. Now it was different. Since his exile, he grew cautious, always planning, always thinking without action. Though his work as an assassin was dangerous, he never allowed circumstances to go beyond his control.

                That was before he met Grayce, anyway. The half-elf wasn’t truly reckless, but added a degree of chaos to the well-organized life that Kirmae tried to lead. They had done things even the greatest adventurers couldn’t dream of, battled creatures beyond the natural realms, and encountered people that Kirmae never imagined associating with.

                No, Kirmae thought, he could not begrudge Grayce a fight, especially if he knew his friend could handle it. Even so, he would always be calculating, a habit of a century spent within the Vampyrian Kingdom, as volatile as any society could possibly be.

                “Let us be going, I want to be past the Lake Sol by tomorrow. The contract is in Orun, and that’s quite a ways still.”

                Grayce narrowed his eyes, “Don’t remind me. I ask again, why did you agree to a contract halfway across Gaiean?”

                Kirmae laughed and said, “I told you, after that incident with the money lenders in Vesé Masa, I wanted to be as far from those lands as possible, and this way we can make some money in the process.”

                Grayce grumbled something before complaining, “We didn’t even kill all of them, just the ones that owed us.”

                Again, Kirmae laughed, “I think they took the death of their founder as a slight anyway, not that I could understand why.” He started down the trail, skirting the bodies and stepping over dropped weapons.

                Grayce muttered something that sounded like ‘pretentious pricks’ and followed.

 

                The next few days of traveling were uneventful. They passed Lake Sol; the sacred waters of the Sun Guardians reflected light perfectly, so that the entire lake seemed a colossal mirror. Its brilliance dazzled the travelers and forcing Kirmae to shield his sensitive eyes. Because the vampire was blinded, the half-elf used his ability to morph into a hawk and traveled as high in the sky as possible. Far in the distance, he could see the golden islands where the first Light Bringers had come together, channeling the power of the sun to fight the armies of Hyris, the demon lord.

                Kirmae knew this from his love of history, and could only imagine how it had all happened, thousands of years ago. Grayce cared little but went up for his friend, coming down to describe the sight.

                “The sight is amazing,” Grayce said as soon as his body was his own, “The islands seem to be solid gold.”

                Kirmae moved into the shade of the trees, letting him see again, before saying, “Yes, they unleashed nearly the full power of the sun to stop Hyris, and it altered the very fabric of the lake itself. They turned their own bodies into pure light, and such was their dedication to destroying the demons.”

                Grayce barely registered what he said, caring little for things that did not happen in his own life.

The half-elf looked back towards the lake, “You think Lyura is over there?” he asked, speaking of their longtime ally, a priestess of the Sun Guardians.

They continued walking leisurely through the forest, happy for the lack of undergrowth.

                “No,” Kirmae answered, “She would be in the temple, on the mountain to the north of the lake. There are no living things on the isles, not since the Light Bringers released their powers there.”

                “It’s been too long since we’ve seen her. Remember fighting those giants north of Beeg? She blinded me for a week with that spell she cast.”

                Kirmae laughed at the memory, and agreed that it had been far too long since fighting beside the irritable priestess. She despised assassins, and murderers of all kinds, but they had joined causes to fight a great demon and became friends in the process.

                “Perhaps we will see her again,” Kirmae said hopefully, “Knowing her, she’s traveling and if we find trouble, that’s very likely where she will be.”

                Grayce nodded, “It is funny, that seems to be how we meet all of our friends.”

                “Outrageous circumstances produce impossible outcomes. It is the way of the world, my friend. We are dangerous people, so danger finds us, and with it comes ever more individuals that are themselves dangerous. It is a testament to our charm that we befriend them,” Kirmae explained, having put much thought into this very subject.

                Grayce laughed and jumped lithely over a fallen log, “We are assassins Kirmae, is it not odd that we should possess such charm?”

                “Not necessarily,” he muttered, but fell quiet, thinking of just how polite and endearing some vampires could be, just before they ripped someone’s throat out. He did not know what made him different from most of his kind, but he felt that if he should kill someone, they should either never see it coming, or be told directly. He hated having to watch other vampires play with their victims, hinting at what was going to happen, but being subtle enough that the poor wretch never saw it coming.

                They continued at a steady pace for almost a week, with Kirmae running easily and Grayce often in hawk form, high above and searching for trouble. They could have traveled much faster, but felt no need. They were enjoying the peace that rarely entered their lives, taking in the many sights Gaiean had to offer.

                They were passing through the thick forests that belonged to the Republic of Baragcro, a fairly young nation by Gaiean’s standards. Kirmae had actually witnessed its birth, as part of a scouting party sent by the Vampyrian king. The king was always interested in the affairs of the other parts of Gaiean, and made sure to have vampires in almost every government on the continent. The Republic was made up of humans and orcs, and loosely organized around an elected council.

                The concept of a republic was fairly new in Gaiean, and Kirmae much preferred the idea to the more common monarchy, but he knew that most of the nations in Gaiean were far too well controlled under their regents for the republic to go far without encountering war.

                There were already rumors flowing freely that the Joajin king was planning an invasion, and Kirmae believed them. He personally knew the greedy king, having done quite a bit of work for him, taking out political opponents and other, less domestic, enemies. What he didn’t understand was how he planned to take the northern Republic from the far off Joajin homelands in the south, but it mattered little to him. He was an assassin, probably the best on the continent, and he would have work no matter what king, country, or group held power.

                They first noticed the restiveness of the land while camping just off the trail, in clearing used many times for the same purpose. The sun was long set, and the moon was beginning to rise, sending shafts of light to the forest floor. They had a fire crackling to roast some rabbits Kirmae had snared.

                “Hear that?” Kirmae asked quietly.

                Grayce stopped the dagger that had been spinning in his palm and tilted his head. “Boots marching,” he muttered, and then added, “Very heavy, well timed… An orc platoon?”

                Kirmae nodded and muttered a spell that doused the fire. He wasn’t afraid of them, but he’d rather not have to explain their purpose being on this trail, especially on a job. The less anyone knew of the assassins’ movements the more mysterious they became, and in their profession, that was a key element.

                The orcs passed about twenty feet from them, and Kirmae’s delicate hearing picked up some conversation over the stomping feet.

                “Why we got to be in Mach anyway?” one grunted in the usual orc gruffness.

                “Don’t know, got orders from the council to be there soon as possible, now keep quiet.”

                “. . . hate this f*****g night marching. Haven’t pushed us this hard since them trolls were attacking Moch.”

                The platoon leader must have heard this and shouted, “Shut yer traps, ain’t for scum like you to question orders! Next talking I hear means half rations!”

                Kirmae looked to Grayce, his night eyes easily saw the concentration on his friend’s face. He wasn’t overly concerned with the knowledge that the Republic’s troops were marching. It might mean anything, and even if it was trouble, it meant little to nothing for the assassins, who always easily skirted unnecessary danger with ease.

                The orcs had long passed and the fire was going again, when Grayce said, “You think something’s going on? Not that it matters, but it might mean good work for us.”

                “Possibly, but the Republic’s council has little love for assassins, they don’t deal with problems the same way kings are wont to do.”

                Grayce nodded, untroubled, and leaning back against a tree trunk, absentmindedly flipping a dagger around his hand.

 

                Soon after, they were well on their way to Orun, where some wealthy merchant was soon to witness the assassins’ undeniable precision at their work. They were waylaid, however, by a chance meeting on the road.

                The two walked side by side down the trail, strolling along as if they had nowhere to be, conversing about nothing important. Kirmae began to notice a slight magical disturbance, as if some magician were near. He didn’t voice the thought, expecting it to be nothing more than some hedge witch or an old ward, forgotten among the old trees.

                He soon realized it was something else, as more of his magical detectors began going off, buzzing in his mind. Something magically powerful was nearby, but still he didn’t say anything, not wanting to alarm Grayce.

                Kirmae saw the huge orc a few moments before his companion. The orc was large even by their tall standards. His blackish green face was visible over an immense suit of armor that Kirmae doubted he could lift, let alone wear. The black armor was complete with gauntlets, each boasting a large spike that extended beyond his knuckles.

                “By Sirca, that’s a big…” Grayce muttered, and with a flash, his daggers appeared, sliding from hidden sheaths. His eyes turned gold as he saw through hawk vision, getting a better look.

                Kirmae pulled a small iron medallion from thin air, pulling it out of the magical pocket he kept many of his more important items in. He looked up to see the orc chanting, and with each word a piece of his armor changed, becoming even more formidable, the spiked gauntlets growing thin shining blades that went past his armored knees.

                “An orc with conjuration abilities?” Grayce wondered aloud.

                Kirmae nodded, “It is rare, but the occasional orc that is gifted with magic is often more powerful than most naturally magic beings. They tend to draw from their own lifelines, and you know from experience how deep their lifeblood runs.”

                Grayce’s posture changed, tensing and readying for a fight. Kirmae put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, shaking his head.

                “We talked about this. If we need not fight this one, I would much prefer it. I’m sure we could defeat him, but not without injuries. Might we see where this leads, before offending him?” he said in even tones, trying to sound sure of his own words.

                Grayce slowed his pace before putting away his daggers, sliding them into positions easiest to retrieve, should Kirmae’s diplomacy fail.

                Kirmae released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. As they neared the orc, he put a hand up, signaling for the two to stop.

                “You are entering the lands of the Gurgor,” the orc said a voice similar to an earthquake rumbling, the way he spoke made Kirmae think he used to authority, “Why?”

                “We are simply passing, with no business here,” Kirmae answered smoothly.

                “Where are you going? And tell me your names,” the orc growled.

                “We are aimed for Beeg,” Kirmae lied, naming the closest destination without revealing their true heading, “And my name is Ludov, of Kyad, my friend here is…”

                The orc cut him off, “Do not lie, assassin. I know of you. And also of your friend.”

                Kirmae was taken aback, not expecting his reputation to have reached so far away from any large cities, where he usually worked. He wondered briefly if this orc had telepathy as well, but dismissed it, for he would have known if anything had intruded on his mind.

                “If you know of our profession, then you know the reason for my secrecy,” Kirmae answered, letting none of his surprise seep into his voice.

                “I know much and more that would surprise you, vampire,” the orc said, his eyes narrowing, “You will follow me; there is someone who wishes to speak to you.”

                Grayce did little to hide the astonishment on his face, but Kirmae retained his composure. “May I inquire as to whom that may be?”

                The reply was swift and succinct as the orc turned and headed up the path, “No.”

Author's Note

Any review is appreciated, but please, critiques are far more helpful than praise.

Reviews

[MaliKate]

First thing's first.

I won't go into the whole "remember this is meant as constructive, not to bring you down," speech because you already appear to be aware of that. For this reason, I already take a liking to you as a writer. It means that once I read on, even if you prove to be a novice writer, you still allow yourself the room for improvement without letting pride get in the way. I applaud this. I will, however, be as kind and informative as possible. Nothing is worse than a nasty critic, no matter how useful they may or may not be.

Here it goes.

1) Title: I'll comment about this as I get to know the story so that I know it fits the story.

2) Opening paragraph: It needs to be put into a paragraph. Also, a prologue-type opening sentence needs to be introduced so that the reader has the opportunity to be drawn into the story.

For example, if they were in a forest surrounded by bandit's then you would write something about this.

E.g. A stick crackled beneath Grayce's foot, causing the bandits to flinch, ready to attack should he decide to move even an inch.

3) “Do not come to help”, Grayce had told him, so Kirmae sat back and enjoyed an excellent show.

“Do not come to help,” Grayce had told him... the comma is outside of the apostrophe.

4) “Do not come to help”, Grayce had told him, so Kirmae sat back and enjoyed an excellent show. He had never really intended to assist, as he knew Grayce could easily overcome these odds, and he didn’t even find humans good sport anymore. Also, he knew how his half-elf friend got when denied a fight, so he was perfectly content to sit back and see the display of stunning blade work.

Both at the start of the sentence and the end, Kirmae is mentioned sitting back and enjoying a show. One or the other should be used, I'd probably vouch for the second one.

"He had never really intended to assist, as he knew Grayce could easily overcome these odds, and he didn’t even find humans good sport anymore."

I find this sentence to be a little verbose for my liking.

I'd rephrase it to something like: "He hadn't really intended to assist him in the first place. Grayce was easily capable of overcoming these circumstances with or without his help. Not to mention the fact that he found human's to be less than appealing now. They just weren't a good sport, anymore."

5) "Grayce was now fighting three of the bandits at once, and Kirmae rarely saw such a wide smile on his friends’ face. Kirmae knew this wasn’t about killing, as Grayce had never reveled in murder, as vampire kind were so wont to do, but about using a skill that had been worked so hard to perfect."

There's some errors in here. Is Grayce a vampire or half elf as previously mentioned? You need to make that clear to the audience. I suggest that you give a description about what Grayce looks like.

For example: "Grayce's hair matted against his face as he spun around to block an attack. Many strands stuck to his forehead, glued in place by sweat. His strides were smooth and swift, made to look easy because of his years of experience. He didn't particularly enjoy it, as vampires/half elves (whatever he is) weren't the type to revel in gore and bloodshed. But when he fought, he did it with grace that even his enemies envied."

You see? We see Grayce fighting. We know how he feels. We know what he is. We have an idea of what he looks like without going into full detail about pink hair and yellow eyes and grey skin. Those details aren't relevant, but enough information to give us a small idea is vital.

6) "...as vampire were so wont to do..." I have no idea what this means, haha. May need to remove that.

7) Try to avoid verbose sentences. It's when they're long and drag out. So if I were to write like this to you the entire time, and just carry on saying things that aren't important to the story, then you can see that it doesn't look right. You see? Full stops do wonders.

8) "One of the bandits actually had a proper sword, and even more surprisingly, knew how to use it. He was holding off Grayce’s attacks mildly well. The other two, armed with a club and a well-used spear, were having a more difficult time, and already sported gushing cuts to their forearms. Grayce’s smaller, emerald encrusted razor was a blur, slashing at angles that the bandits couldn’t register before they could’ve realized. The swordsman was blocking Grayce’s other dagger, the one with a skull shaped diamond set into the cross hilt."

Instead of "One of the bandits actually had a proper sword," I'd say: "Only one of the bandits held a sword in their hand, a weapon designed to bring down their lethal opponent." Or at least something along those lines.

Do you get the idea of my rephrases? It's a matter of show, don't tell. You must remember to describe the scene rather than telling us about it otherwise it can't draw us in.

Now, before you attempt some "show don't tell" practices let me just show you a couple of differences.

Wrong: "The pink bird flapped its little wings as it flew over the forest, singing to the creatures in the forest."

Very wrong.

Right: "Up in the sky soared a great, predatory bird. It scanned the forestry below, seeking out its prey and preparing itself for the kill. It shrilled into the night, singing a song so devastating that it haunted the dreams of those who slept."

Can you imagine what that bird is? It's flying at night, meaning it's nocturnal. It's scanning the forest for food which means it can be found in that area. It made the type of sound that gives people that foreboding atmosphere, like in movies. That's right, it's an owl.

I think you get the idea. Try to edit your sentences so that they have the same effect as the ones I just offered you. Experiment, get a feel for it, and get yourself used to the concept.

Things I liked:

Your story idea. It's original which is always a plus. Original stories are never guarunteed fame which is only why we get the brief periods of mainstream... vampires, for example. You've added onto this with bandit fighting and half mythological creatures.

Your font is a good size. It's big, clear and easy to read though I'm personally more of a fan for Trebuchet MT. That's the font I'm writing in right now.

The names of your characters are cool. I thought Grayce might be a girl at first until I saw all the "he's". And then when I thought about the "Y" being in there, I realized it makes sense that he's a boy. So I don't think many other people with make the same mistake. Kirmae is a cool name too. I'm not sure how it's supposed to be pronounced, but I just imagine it as "Kermee". I like pronouncing it that way so I'm happy with that.

You introduce the characters and the action straight away which is awesome. It means that the reader has an immediate opportunity to get to know the characters and learn to like their style.

I'll continue to review when you've put paragraphs in your writing as I find it easier.

- M.

[J.X. Mason]

I cannot describe to you how thankful I am for this review. All I get is praise for my writing, and only rarely does someone point out a problem. Every bit of your criticism is helpful. First of all, i apologize for the lack of paragraph format. I wrote this entire piece on my phone, which lacks a many of the tools we take for granted on our computers. As for the story itself, I agree with all you said. More explanation is needed on a lot of things. This being told from Kirmae's point of view, I let his knowledge bleed into the narrative, and this makes me forget that the reader knows nothing of the world or characters yet.

[MaliKate]

I admire the fact that you did it over the phone! Not a lot of people would be able to do that, especially not me! I'm happy to edit and critique as regularly as you wish once the paragraphs are set in place. I'm also glad you took the review well. Some people aren't so open to advice.

I'm interested in where this is going to go.